Category: School

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Has A Rock Solid Murder Plan

| CA, USA | Family & Kids, School

(I work as a swim teacher at my local swimming pool. My first lesson on a Saturday morning is two brothers, about three and four years old.)

Me: “Now, you want to move your arms like this, to pull the water!” *demonstrates*

Four-Year Old: *excitedly* “If I killed my brother with a rock in a river, the rock would be too heavy and drag me under, too!”

Me: “Okay… let’s work on some kicks.”

(Apart from this incident and occasionally hugging each other like koala bears, those two were great students!)

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Just When You Thought It Would All Be Yankee Doodle Dandy

| Savannah, GA, USA | Crazy Requests, Popular, School

(I’m working the floral counter at a high-end natural foods store. An older woman comes in, well-dressed and with a strong upper class southern accent, and peers at the cut flower display. Note that my accent is quite clearly Bostonian and couldn’t pass for southern even if I tried.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, welcome to [Store]! Can I help you with anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, you can. My daughter is graduating from Georgia Southern. I’m having a party for her tonight, and I need flowers to make an arrangement.”

Me: “Oh, well, congratulations to your daughter! Are there any types of flower or colors in particular you had in mind?”

Customer: *looking affronted* “The Georgia Southern colors, of course!”

Me: *anxious smile* “Um?”

Customer: *as if this is a universally known fact* “Blue and white!”

Me: “Oh, okay! Well, we have quite a lot of lovely options for white, but I’m afraid as for blue we only have these blue hydrangea or this blue thistle.”

Customer: *frowns* “Hmm. Well, what would go with the hydrangea?”

Me: “You know, we just got these peonies in, and they come in an ivory as well as a cream, and they’re really quite stunning the way they open up, and we only have them for—”

Customer: *shocked* “Peonies? Honey, don’t you know those are a YANKEE flower?!”

Me: *speechless*

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His Thinking Is Far To The Right

, | Fayetteville, AK, USA | Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers, Popular, School

(Usually, it’s pretty slow but one day a patron is very irate and storms over to me.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Patron: “You need to change your doors!”

Me: *slightly confused* “Excuse me?”

Patron: “Your doors are on the wrong side. This is f***ing America! We do everything to the right! You god-d*** door entrances are on the left. I demand you fix them!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask that you stop using that type of language and keep your voice down. I’m sorry you have such a problem with the position of our doors. I can fill out a maintenance request but I don’t think there is much they will be willing to do since they isn’t actually anything physically wrong with the doors.”

Patron: “Listen here! I’m the Dean of this library! I demand you fix those doors right now! This is America, not f***ing England! ”

Me: “Sir, I am asking you again to lower your voice and not speak to me that way. If I have to ask you again I will be asking you to leave. And sir, that’s pretty amazing surgery if you’re in fact the dean.”

Patron: “What the h*** are you talking about?”

Me: “Well, sir, you’re a Caucasian, mid-twenties male. Our Dean, at least as of this morning when she came in, was an African American, middle-aged woman.”

(He stormed out of the library as security quickly followed him. He was banned from the library and I never did put in that maintenance request!)

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Just You Wait(ress)

| PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Popular, School

(I work in a popular chain restaurant waiting tables. It is in a pretty affluent area. A mother and her daughter come and sit in my section. The little girl has a pad of paper and a pen with her.)

Me: “Hi, ladies, how are you today?”

Mother: “We’re great! Thanks for asking.”

Daughter: “Are you a waitress?”

Me: “Yes, I am. Can I get you guys something to drink?”

Daughter: “I want to be a waitress when I get older!”

Mother: *laughing* “Yes, she wants to be a waitress when she gets older. But I know that won’t happen. She’s going to go to college and get a real job. She’s too smart to wait tables.”

Me: *staring at her incredulously* “Umm, can I get you something to drink?”

(Little did the woman know, I wait tables in order to put myself through college.)

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Various Degrees Of Rudeness

| MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Money, Popular, School

(I work as a cashier in a college town. I have already graduated but remain to work until I can find a job with my degree. It’s a busy day when an older man, in about his 60s, comes to my line. I know him to make rude and often sexist remarks at the expense of those around him. Behind him in line is a lady about the same age with her own shopping.)

Male Customer: *jokingly, as I start scanning his items* “So, you’re paying for my groceries today, right?”

Me: *trying to be polite and joking in return* “Well, if I could afford to do that, I wouldn’t be staying here to work on paying off my student loans!”

Male Customer: “Well, you should have had that figured out before you graduated high school!”

Me: *shocked, I try to remain good natured* “That would have been nice; not everyone could be so lucky. My first two years were paid for with scholarships, but the rest of my schooling was still very expensive.”

Male Customer: “My boys had it all figured out. You really shouldn’t be in college if you can’t pay for it.”

(The female customer behind him, obviously annoyed, starts to stand up for me as I continue scanning his items.)

Female Customer: “I know it’s hard these days. Everything is based on your income and tuition is so high. Good for you for getting an education. What was your major, dear?”

Me: “Thank you. I majored in environmental geology.”

Male Customer: “You’re never going to get a job.”

(Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. He’s already upset me in the past, so I’m determined to not let him do so again.)

Me: “Oh, I think I will. I’ve already had three job interviews, so I think my chances are pretty good.”

Male Customer: “Not with a degree like that. My boys majored in something smart, parks and recreation. They got good jobs and make more money than I ever thought possible.”

Me: “Well, that’s great for them. I’ll find a job here soon enough, and I’ll make plenty of money to cover the rest of my loans. Here’s your receipt.”

(He took his items and left, but not before summarizing that I would be working there with my worthless degree. I started ringing up the female customer’s items, obviously upset even though I had tried to not show it. She told me that she had known the old man since high school and his whole family did nothing but whine and complain about everything. She also told me that she was very proud of my education and wished me luck on my job search. If it weren’t for her, that man would have ruined my whole day!)

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