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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

A Gross Misunderstanding Of The Books

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I’m looking for a book for my grandchildren. I don’t know the title but I know it’s some kind of encyclopedia of gross things and the cover has a picture of a kid picking his nose.”

Me: “Yes, I know that book. It’s called Oh, Yuck. Here’s a copy for you.”

Customer: “Do you think that would be embarrassing for me to send it to my grandchildren? I mean, it’s gross. Do you really think it would be appropriate?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. I thought you already knew it was gross based on your description of the book.”

Customer: *sets book down* “I just don’t think it would be appropriate. Can you show me some storybooks?”

(I take the customer to the storybooks and she keeps asking for recommendations, so I show her book after book and she rejects them. Finally, she makes a suggestion.)

Customer: “Well, I’ve heard of this one book. Do you have ‘Walter the Farting Dog’?”

Me: ” Yes, it’s popular. Right here.”

Customer: “But wouldn’t that be kind of gross? I don’t know if that’s appropriate. A farting dog? That might be embarrassing for me to send to my grandchildren.”

Me: “…I don’t know how to help you if you keep asking me for gross books and then saying they’re too gross, ma’am.”

Customer: “I just heard those were popular. But I can’t send that. It’s too gross. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing?”

(I end up just leaving her to browse in the storybooks section.)

Overflowing With Problems

| Appleton, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I’m bagging groceries, and in the middle of an order I notice that the cashier has paused, and is delicately holding up an item she has grabbed out of the shopping cart. She turns to the customer, and the following exchange happens.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, there appears to be something on this. Did you want a new one? Or…”

Customer: “Oh, that, yeah. My daughter had diarrhea, and it overflowed her diaper.”

(At this, my coworker and I take a closer look at the contents of the cart. It’s everywhere. My poor coworker just makes a horrified face, as she realizes she just got a handful of feces.)

Customer: “Yeah, you’re gonna clean that all up, right?”

(We are nowhere near capable of properly cleaning up what turned out to be a few dozen items coated in fecal matter (including a serious need for gloves) at the register, but she was “in a hurry” so we had to clean it up with just paper towels and the glass cleaner we use to wipe down the registers, all the while holding back the urge to vomit. Of course the customer didn’t say another word, but at least my coworker and I got relieved to go sanitize ourselves!)

Does It Look Like I Give A Thank?

| Boston, MA, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Popular, Rude & Risque

(A family with two small children is sitting at a table across from me eating pizza. The father has been serving slices cut in half to the children, who look to be around three years old.)

Mother: “What do you say to daddy, sweetheart?”

Little Girl: “F*** you!”

Mother: “No, no, honey. You mean ‘Thank you!'”

Little Girl: “Fank you!”

Mother: *to me* “She’s still learning.”

Stripped Of Inhibitions

| BC, Canada | Rude & Risque

(I work two jobs in a small town. My regular position is lifeguard/AquaFit instructor at a local pool. I am currently working my part-time job at a local coffee shop when one of my regular AquaFit class members comes in with his wife and recognizes me.)

Customer: “Oh! Hey there, I almost didn’t recognize you with your clothes on!”

(His wife and I had a good laugh while his face went bright red and he fumbled through the rest of the transaction. The next day at the pool he could hardly make eye contact!)

Why Did They Have To Order Sausage?

| San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’ve been serving at a loosely fine-dining establishment for a couple of months. Before this job, I worked at a corporate chain restaurant, so I’m still a little more enthusiastic than the job calls for and can talk a bit much.)

Customer #1: “How big are the pizzas?”

Me: “They’re about 12 inches.”

Customer #1: “Oh. Will that feed two people?”

Me: “Usually. Some people eat it all by themselves, but two people could easily split the pizza if you ordered an appetizer or salad or something as well.”

Customer #1: “Okay, we’ll get the pepperoni and sausage, and two Caesars.”

(Once the pizza is ready, I take it out to the table. Along the way, another one of my tables that had decided against the pizza stopped me to look at it.)

Customer #2: “Wow! That pizza is actually pretty big! We should have gotten one!”

Me: “I know! 12 inches doesn’t sound all that big until it’s right there in front of you! I guess you gotta see it to realize how big it really is.”

(My eyes widen and my face instantly turns red as I realize the dirty way my statement could be misconstrued, so I quickly take the pizza and drop it off at the right table.)

Customer #1: “Oh, honey, I don’t think we even needed to order those salads! This pizza is much bigger than I thought!”

Me: “Uh, huh… yep, it’s big. Enjoy!”

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