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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Young (At Heart), Wild, And Free

| Seattle, WA, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am doing a pat down on an older woman in a wheelchair. As I clear each area, I’m letting the woman know that I am moving to a new area. Fairly quickly, it becomes obvious that the woman is intoxicated.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to clear your back now.”

Woman: *throws her arms out and says quite loudly* “Honey, I’m loaded! You can do whatever you want to me!”

Show But Don’t Tell

| North Canton, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

(A female customer, approximately 18 years old, is asking a coworker of mine about our bikinis.)

Customer: “Do you guys, like, carry any bikini bottoms in white?”

Me: “I don’t think we have any. Not a lot of stores stock white bikinis.” *chuckling* “After all, you can see right through white fabric when it gets wet!”

Customer: *completely serious* “Yeah, duh. That’s why I want them!”

They Are Not The Toys You Are Looking For

| St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada | Rude & Risque

(A woman calls into the store. She’s speaking very quietly and I have to ask her several times to repeat herself. Finally I make out something.)

Woman: “Do you sell vibrators?”

Me: *pause* “Um, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you again to repeat what you said. I really don’t think we sell what I think you said.”

Woman: “Vibrators.”

Me: “No. No, we don’t.”

Woman: “Isn’t this The Love Shop?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is Toys-R-Us.”

Related:
They Are Not The Balls You Are Looking For

Pray That It Be Rhetorical

| UK | Rude & Risque

(We have a policy of “up-selling” specific products, meaning we offer them to every customers. This particular week, we’re up-selling pineapples. A middle-aged man approaches the till and I process his items.)

Me: “Thank you. That’ll be £X.XX. Would you like a pineapple? They’re only £1.”

Customer: “Would you like to rip my trousers off and have your wild way with me?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “We all have questions.” *pays and leaves as if this is normal*

They Are Not The Balls You Are Looking For

| Gulfport, MS, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(Note: I am a male. It’s the week of Easter and I’m walking through the store, when suddenly I hear someone scream at me.)

Customer: “You don’t have any balls, do you?!”

(I stop in my tracks, shocked. I turn around to see a little old lady.)

Me: *laughing, embarrassed* “Um, what?”

Customer: “Little balls!”

(She shows me how small with her fingers. I stare at her, dumbfounded, jaw-dropped, and shrug.)

Customer: “You know, the chocolate Easter balls!”

Me: *erupting in laughter* “Oh, yeah, they’re right this way…”

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