Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.


Give Him A Dollar Thrill

| TX, USA | Money, Rude & Risque

(I am scanning up the order of a customer, who is rather elderly, and we are at the end when this happens:)

Customer: “For that $100 cash back, I don’t want a $100 bill.”

Me: *jokingly* “Okay, I’ll give you 100 ones.”

Customer: “Oh, no! That’s even worse. A man like me doesn’t need THAT much money. I’m too old to go to the strip clubs!”


Don’t Question The Questions

| Norfolk, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers, Popular, Rude & Risque

(We have to ensure a customer is who they say they are by asking them some security questions. Many customers get angry at this, but it’s the law. I get a call from an old man who gives me the account number.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I need you to confirm your name.”

Customer: *confirms name*

Me: “Wonderful. What is your date of birth?”

Customer: “None of your bloody business.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have to ask you some security questions to ensure you are who you say you are.”

Customer: “Are you new? You seem really unsure of yourself and I don’t think you know what you’re doing.”

Me: “How long I have worked here is irrelevant. You must answer these security questions. It has been the law for some time now. If you do not answer these questions I cannot discuss your policy with you.”

Customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” *hangs up*

(A few hours go by and I think nothing of it. Then my manager comes up to me looking very upset. Apparently the customer called and made a complaint and said I asked him lots of inappropriate questions including what his wife’s bra size was! I assure that I said no such thing and my manager goes off and listens to the call. I am then invited in with her into one of our training rooms when she calls the customer so I can listen in.)

Manager: “Hello, Mr. [Customer]. My name is [Manager]. I am the manager. I have looked at your complaint. I have listened to the call and I think you may have misunderstood my colleague. She did not ask for your wife’s bra size and she was following the data protection act as she has been instructed to do as is both the law and our company policy.”

Customer: “So, you’re saying that because you didn’t hear her ask those horrible, personal questions about my wife’s breasts on that recording of yours that it didn’t happen?!”

Manager: “…Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying, sir.”

(The customer hung up.)


Acting R-Rated In A PG Movie

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Movies & TV, Popular, Rude & Risque

(At least one usher is required to stand by the door slightly before the movie ends, to prevent people from going out the emergency exit and setting off the alarm. It is an afternoon showing of a very popular children’s movie, and the entire upper part of the theater is packed with adults and their respective children. The ‘pit’ seats closest to the screen are completely empty, that being too close for most people. I’m scanning the crowd, as the final scene of the movie starts to play, when I notice some arm rests down in the pit have been pushed up. Since we reset them after every show, I head down the steps to see what’s happened, and if there’s going to be any mess to clean up. Laid out across the seats are two teenagers “going at it.” I am shocked, but know the movie is about to end, and an entire slew of children are about to get an eye load when they stand up and the lights come up. I approach the couple, completely at a loss of what to say.)

Me: “Excuse me… can you not?” *not the most professional thing ever, but I have not been trained on how to deal with this*

Boy: *looking up at me, annoyed* “I’m almost finished.”

Me: “Can you not?!”

(I stay crouched right next to their heads, refusing to give them any privacy, though, doing it at a packed performance, I’m not sure privacy is what they were after.)

Girl: “UGH!”

(She pushes the boy off her, and he rolls onto the floor, adjusting his situation and zipping his pants up. She adjusts her skirt, sits up, then walks out of the theater before the movie’s even over.)

Boy: “HMPH!”

(He glared and sat through the entire credits, and didn’t leave until the rest of the usher staff came in. I reported the situation to my managers, but there was nothing we could really do, by then.)


A Very Cold Comment

| IN, USA | Health & Body, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I have been working at a popular hardware store for about a year now. I’ve been loving it so far, especially when we have the garden center open. I always opt to be the cashier outside, since it’s usually much more lively out there and less stuffy than inside. In the winter, the garden associates have built a small shack around the register, which makes the cold bearable. With the start of a new year, and having already had some pleasantly warm days, the shack is taken down. However, just recently we’ve been hit by a cold snap. Even huddling next to my meager heater, I’m losing feeling in my fingers and toes, and constant wind gusts make it impossible to retain any sort of heat from the heater. Nevertheless, I’m doing all that I can to cheerfully help customers.)

Me: *teeth chattering* “Hi there! You guys set to check out?”

Husband: *with wife in tow* “Sure are; it’s freezing out here! I hope they’re paying you extra.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, I wish, but I’m actually happy with being out here. Even if cold, the air is fresh, and I don’t get to hear the same songs over and over.”

Husband: “Ha ha! Well, they should pay you more anyway. You have to be half frozen by now!”

(Before I can jokingly interject, the wife speaks up.)

Wife: “Oh, I’m sure she’s fine. She’s young, she’s got a big coat on, her own heater, plus she’s not small like our daughter. More insulated.”

(The husband’s mouth snaps shut. My joke vanishes, and I’m not sure what to say. I am just slightly overweight, and have long struggled with my weight, but I am by no means fat. I do have wide shoulders, being an active swimmer, which gives me an odd body shape, so I figure that’s why she made such an assumption. I usually brush off these comments, but nevertheless this one certainly dampened my spirit. I continue ringing them out in meek silence, while the wife keeps going, unaware that she is basically insulting me.)

Wife: “In the arctic, those seals get by just fine because of blubber. The cold can’t get to them. It’s a great insulator. They don’t even need a heater.”

(I finish ringing up their items, and the husband proceeds to pay. He mouths ‘I’m so sorry,’ and I smile meekly.)

Me: *handing him the receipt* “H-have a good one.”

Husband: “You, too… Sorry. Try to stay warm.”

Wife: “Oh, she’ll be f—”

(The husband grabbed her around the shoulders and started marching away.)


Has The Balls To Admit It

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(It’s a nice day and the patio of a local restaurant is full. I am at a table right next to a woman who is having a not-very-private conversation; the more she talked, the louder she got. Finally, at full volume…)

Woman: “But I can’t testify! I don’t have testiculars!”

(I have to say, if you get enough people snorting their drinks, the distance is impressive. The poor waiter just approached all the tables with a huge stack of napkins while shaking his head.)

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