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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

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Acting R-Rated In A PG Movie

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Movies & TV, Popular, Rude & Risque

(At least one usher is required to stand by the door slightly before the movie ends, to prevent people from going out the emergency exit and setting off the alarm. It is an afternoon showing of a very popular children’s movie, and the entire upper part of the theater is packed with adults and their respective children. The ‘pit’ seats closest to the screen are completely empty, that being too close for most people. I’m scanning the crowd, as the final scene of the movie starts to play, when I notice some arm rests down in the pit have been pushed up. Since we reset them after every show, I head down the steps to see what’s happened, and if there’s going to be any mess to clean up. Laid out across the seats are two teenagers “going at it.” I am shocked, but know the movie is about to end, and an entire slew of children are about to get an eye load when they stand up and the lights come up. I approach the couple, completely at a loss of what to say.)

Me: “Excuse me… can you not?” *not the most professional thing ever, but I have not been trained on how to deal with this*

Boy: *looking up at me, annoyed* “I’m almost finished.”

Me: “Can you not?!”

(I stay crouched right next to their heads, refusing to give them any privacy, though, doing it at a packed performance, I’m not sure privacy is what they were after.)

Girl: “UGH!”

(She pushes the boy off her, and he rolls onto the floor, adjusting his situation and zipping his pants up. She adjusts her skirt, sits up, then walks out of the theater before the movie’s even over.)

Boy: “HMPH!”

(He glared and sat through the entire credits, and didn’t leave until the rest of the usher staff came in. I reported the situation to my managers, but there was nothing we could really do, by then.)

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A Very Cold Comment

| IN, USA | Health & Body, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I have been working at a popular hardware store for about a year now. I’ve been loving it so far, especially when we have the garden center open. I always opt to be the cashier outside, since it’s usually much more lively out there and less stuffy than inside. In the winter, the garden associates have built a small shack around the register, which makes the cold bearable. With the start of a new year, and having already had some pleasantly warm days, the shack is taken down. However, just recently we’ve been hit by a cold snap. Even huddling next to my meager heater, I’m losing feeling in my fingers and toes, and constant wind gusts make it impossible to retain any sort of heat from the heater. Nevertheless, I’m doing all that I can to cheerfully help customers.)

Me: *teeth chattering* “Hi there! You guys set to check out?”

Husband: *with wife in tow* “Sure are; it’s freezing out here! I hope they’re paying you extra.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, I wish, but I’m actually happy with being out here. Even if cold, the air is fresh, and I don’t get to hear the same songs over and over.”

Husband: “Ha ha! Well, they should pay you more anyway. You have to be half frozen by now!”

(Before I can jokingly interject, the wife speaks up.)

Wife: “Oh, I’m sure she’s fine. She’s young, she’s got a big coat on, her own heater, plus she’s not small like our daughter. More insulated.”

(The husband’s mouth snaps shut. My joke vanishes, and I’m not sure what to say. I am just slightly overweight, and have long struggled with my weight, but I am by no means fat. I do have wide shoulders, being an active swimmer, which gives me an odd body shape, so I figure that’s why she made such an assumption. I usually brush off these comments, but nevertheless this one certainly dampened my spirit. I continue ringing them out in meek silence, while the wife keeps going, unaware that she is basically insulting me.)

Wife: “In the arctic, those seals get by just fine because of blubber. The cold can’t get to them. It’s a great insulator. They don’t even need a heater.”

(I finish ringing up their items, and the husband proceeds to pay. He mouths ‘I’m so sorry,’ and I smile meekly.)

Me: *handing him the receipt* “H-have a good one.”

Husband: “You, too… Sorry. Try to stay warm.”

Wife: “Oh, she’ll be f—”

(The husband grabbed her around the shoulders and started marching away.)

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Has The Balls To Admit It

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(It’s a nice day and the patio of a local restaurant is full. I am at a table right next to a woman who is having a not-very-private conversation; the more she talked, the louder she got. Finally, at full volume…)

Woman: “But I can’t testify! I don’t have testiculars!”

(I have to say, if you get enough people snorting their drinks, the distance is impressive. The poor waiter just approached all the tables with a huge stack of napkins while shaking his head.)

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Understands The Condom Minimum

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Health & Body, Popular, Rude & Risque

(Working in a busy pharmacy, a teenage boy and his girlfriend came up to the counter.)

Boy: “I’m looking for the condoms.” *smiling at his girlfriend, she’s looking embarrassed*

Me: “Aisle 10, right hand side.”

Boy: “Yeah, but you see, I need some extra-large condoms. The regular ones are way too small for me.” *smirking at his girlfriend*

Me: “Seriously?”

(I stand back, heave my leg up on the counter and point to it.)

Me: “See this ankle? I recently broke it, and had a cast on. I used regular-sized condoms on it to waterproof it when I had showers. If your penis is larger than this—” *pointing to my leg still up on the counter* “—then I seriously suggest you keep it away from her—” *pointing to girlfriend* “—as it’s going to do some serious damage!”

(Both boy and girlfriend walked away without saying another word.)

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One Lucky Customer

| Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Popular, Rude & Risque

(It’s kind of late in my shift. I call the next customer, an elderly man. He puts his merchandise on the counter. He immediately starts staring at my chest.)

Male Customer: “Wow, am I lucky. Wow.”

(I don’t know how to react without being rude so I just ring him up as quickly as possible. The entire time he’s staring at me and repeating:)

Male Customer: “Wow, am I lucky. Wow. When do you get off?”

(Since I don’t want to deal with him any more I tell him his total and stick every single item into one bag neatly enough that it won’t tear or break but badly enough that the bag weighs way too much, set it behind the counter, and wait for him to pay. He pays, and I hand him the approximately 20 lb bag.)

Male Customer: “Oh, thanks…”

(He stops smiling and kind of waddles out of the store with his bag. The next customer has a 28-item return and repurchase to get the points on their card. The customer after THAT comes up to me.)

Female Customer: “That looked intense.”

Me: “Yeah. The sad thing is that was still better than the customer before them.”

Female Customer: “Oh, what happened?”

Me: “Uh, it was an old dude and he was being creepy.”

Female Customer: “Oh, ew. I’m sorry.”

(I finish ringing her two-item purchase and read her price. She pays for her merchandise and I bag it very nicely and neatly.)

Female Customer: “Well, I hope I wasn’t as much trouble. And I didn’t hit on you. Have a good night.”

(Not gonna lie; that comment helped me keep it together until we closed.)

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