Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Let’s Hope He’s All Talk And No Trousers

| MI, USA | Rude & Risque

(At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

Me: “…That, too.”

Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

Me: “Okay…”

Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

Me: “I envy you.”

Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*

Best Put That Topic To Bed

| Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

(I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

Wife: “Why not?”

Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

(I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

Husband: *turns red*

Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

Marriage Has Grey Areas

| London, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

(I’m at a bookstore, witnessing an exchange taking place between an employee and a middle-aged male customer.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your copies of 50 Shades of Grey are?”

Employee: “Sure, they’re over there.”

(The customer walks over to the indicated shelf and picks up a copy.)

Customer: “Right, anniversary present… sorted!”

The Hard-Ball Explanation

| Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

Me: “Neutered?”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

Happy Spanksgiving

| Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”