Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Some Requests Are Too Exotic

| CA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

Customer: “Hi. I would like to confirm my order of exotic Mexican dancers for my brother’s bachelor party.”

Me: “Um, sir, are you sure you have the right number? This—”

Customer: “I am getting late! I ordered them yesterday!”

Me: “Sir, this is [Home Retail Store]'”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that! What am I, an idiot?”

Me: “Um—”

Customer: “Of course you would have Mexican dancers! Are you even qualified to work here? Even a KID would know that!”

Me: “Er… sir, are you sure you are calling the right place? THIS IS [HOME RETAIL STORE]. Let me repeat, sir. NOT MEXICO.”

Customer: “SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THIS WOMAN A LESSON ABOUT HER JOB! WHAT KIND OF EMPLOYEE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEIR PRODUCTS ARE?”

(Another employee comes up to me and mouths, ‘I’ll deal with him.’)

Employee: “Sir, what are you looking for?”

Customer: “I’M LOOKING FOR EXOTIC MEXICAN DANCERS FOR A BACHELOR PARTY! YOUR D*** EMPLOYEE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING!”

Employee: “Oh, I found your order. Repeat your order for me please?” *winks at me*

Customer: “Finally! Someone who knows their job! The number is [number].”

Employee: “Thank you for your order. For the inconvenience, you will get them free. Expect them around 6:30 pm. Enjoy your party!”

The Heavenly Penny Finally Dropped

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Funny Names, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

(I work in a small local library. A patron comes up to the front desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He plunks down a stack of movies.)

Patron: “I didn’t know you guys had stuff like this.”

(Not everyone knows that we lend videos and music, so I start on my standard ‘things you can get from the library’ spiel.)

Patron: “No, man, I know about that! I meant porn!”

Me: “Wha?”

Patron: “Like this one, here!”

(He holds up an old VHS.)

Patron:Penis from Heaven!”

Me: “‘Pennies,'” sir. It’s Pennies from Heaven.”

Patron: “Oh. Well, you can keep it, then.”

Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”

Getting Chesty About The Law

| Rio de Janeiro, Brazil | Criminal & Illegal, Rude & Risque, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I’m an American married to a Brazilian, and I spend several months a year in Brazil. I work at a beachside stall serving beer and snacks. A pair of American tourists are in front of me, and the woman is topless, which is strictly illegal in Brazil, but many assume otherwise.)

Man: “Hi. Two cervezas and, uh, some chips. You got chips?”

Server: *in Portuguese* “Ma’am, you can’t be topless here! The police could arrest you. You need to cover up.”

Woman: “What are you talking about? I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Lady, he’s telling you that you need to cover up.”

Woman: “What? Like h*** I do. This is Brazil!”

Me: “Yeah, a Catholic country that bans public nudity. You can be arrested.”

Man: “F*** off. This is Brazil. People go topless on the beach all the time.”

Me: “Well, look around at the beach. You’re the only woman in sight without a top on.”

Woman: “Mind your d*** business.” *they walk off in a huff*

Server: “I wonder if they noticed that they’re about to walk right past three police cars?”

Me: “Probably not.”

(I stood there, sipping my beer, and watched as the woman was cited for public nudity.)

Natural Medicine Versus Naturist Medicine

| GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

(The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”

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