Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.


Balls To The Walls Crazy

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work for a luxury furniture company that has recently featured giant faux-fur covered pilates balls. A woman in her mid-forties runs into the store with a clearly abnormal level of excitement about the product.)

Woman: “I just came in to touch your balls. Oh! They’re so soft, I could just sit on them naked. They look like dirty snowballs. I want a dirty snowball so bad.”


Gives New Meaning To ‘Sweet Embrace’

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’m working in the bread aisle of a supermarket when a couple in their mid-30s approaches me.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, mate, do you sell chocolate body paint at all?”

Me: “I am afraid we do not sell such an item here, sir.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I was going to lick it off her tonight.”

(At this point the female customer picks up a bottle of honey.)

Male Customer: “Oh, god, no. We’re not using honey. It get’s stuck in my moustache.”

(After giving the couple directions to the local sex shop I saw them again twenty minutes later. The male customer looked at me with a beaming grin as he proudly showed off the chocolate yoghurt in his hand.)


Gourd-ing Yourself Against Bad Jokes

| Brighton, England, UK | At The Checkout, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I just popped in to get some items in my local supermarket and this is my awkward conversation with the cashier.)

Cashier: “Did you find everything all right?”

Me: “Yes, yes, thank you.”

(By this point I had loaded up some chocolate, ice cream, yogurt etc. on to the conveyer.)

Me: “Huh looks like a lonely-girl’s-night-in purchase!”

(The cashier gave me a weird look, so I assumed they didn’t get my joke. I finished up the transaction in silence and started to walk home. It wasn’t until I got home and unpacked that I realised the reason the cashier gave me a funny look. I bought a cucumber. Safe to say I didn’t step foot in there again for quite some time!)


Customers Gone ‘Wild’

| DuPont, WA, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work as a library page in a very small library. We are promoting a book called ‘Wild’ as our “Book of the Year,” and copies of it are displayed throughout the library. The book contains some depictions of the author’s experiences with drug abuse and her sex life.)

Patron: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Hi! Can I help you?”

Patron: “I checked out this book last week, and I can’t believe you people are carrying this.”

Me: “Oh, that’s one of our promot—”

Patron: “Have you read it?”

Me: “Yes, I have.”

Patron: “It’s very inappropriate! I What if some kid decided to check this out? I don’t think you guys should be encouraging such irresponsible behaviors!”

Me: “I’m sorry you didn’t like it, but—”

Patron: *angrily* “I didn’t say I didn’t like it! I just think you should remove the parts with all the sex and the drugs.”

Me: “Oh… Well, I’m sorry that some of the content offended you. But we can’t edit the book.”

Patron: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s already been printed, and we’re not involved in the publishing process. We just put it on the shelves, really.”

Patron: “That’s unacceptable. I need you to edit your books more carefully.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t edit the books once they’ve been published.”

Patron: “So you think this is appropriate?”

Me: *choosing my words carefully* “I don’t really think that kids should be reading it, no, and I understand why you take issue with it, but I think the message of the books outweighs the scenes with the sex and drugs. The point of the book is that the author overcame those mistakes.”

Patron: “I bet you live like she does, don’t you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patron: *verbatim* “You’re probably pretty loose, too.”


(The library is very small and it’s difficult to have any conversations without another staff member overhearing; at this point, another page standing nearby comes around the stacks to intervene.)

Coworker: *to the patron* “Sir, can I help you? Is everything all right?”

Patron: “No. This book is completely inappropriate and your employee seems to think that kind of thing is okay.”

Coworker: “Well, she was correct that we can’t edit the book. We can’t have it removed from the shelves, either. I’m sorry.”

Patron: “This is totally unacceptable! This is a LIBRARY, not an adult bookstore! If you THINK for one second that this okay…!”

Me: *still reeling from the comment about my sex life* “We told you we can’t do anything about the content. What, exactly, do you want to have happen here?”

Patron: “I want you to do your d*** job!”

Me: “Which is…?”

Patron: “Stop promoting promiscuity and drug use!”

Me: “Sir, my job is to put books on the shelf, keep the library clean, and help answer patron questions. The LIBRARY’S job is to provide literature to the community. I guarantee, I’m doing my job, and the library is well within its rights promoting a book which encourages people to OVERCOME their mistakes.”

Patron: “That’s not good enough!”

Coworker: “Sir, you’re making the other patrons uncomfortable. If you’d like to submit a complaint to the people who choose which books we promote, I can give you the phone number and e-mail address for the county library headquarters. There isn’t anything we can do other than that.”

Patron: *sighing dramatically* “Fine, whatever!”

(The patron takes the contact info, angrily paces around the stacks for a little while, and then storms out.)

Me: *to my coworker* “Honestly, I didn’t even like that book.”


Comes With Extra Salty Fries

| UT, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(So, it’s the beginning of the lunch rush. After serving one customer I get on to the next, a stoic man in plaid.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a number one condom, medium, please.”

(I don’t know if he noticed, but I had to try very hard not to say something. Or repeat his mistake.)

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