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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Number-Crusher

| Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque

(Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

(The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

Exposed For What It Really Is

| CA, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I’m working the opening shift at a chain coffee shop. It’s six am and I’m prepping for the morning rush at the bar.)

Female Customer: *quietly and embarrassed* “Hi. So, that man sitting outside by the window over there… I think he has his penis outside of his pants.”

(I look over and it’s a regular customer who pops in throughout the day. I turn back to her.)

Me: “Him, over there?”

Female Customer: ” Yes. I don’t know if maybe a male employee can go check and see?”

(I summon my male shift lead, who is confused at the accusation.)

Me: “If it’s true, I don’t want to know that much about him. Will you take a peek so I can help this woman feel, you know, not sexually harassed?”

(He reluctantly goes outside and talks to our regular and quickly heads back inside holding back a smile.)

Shift Lead: “He’s holding his sunglasses case in his lap.”

(The case was the exact same color as his skin tone. We told him about it later and all cracked up.)