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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Trying Your Patients

| New Zealand | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

Charge Nurse: “Hello.”

Caller: “Is Mr [Name] one of your patients?”

Charge Nurse: “Yes. Why?”

Caller: “He’s in the gynaecology ward. Please retrieve him.”

Charge Nurse: “How did he get there? He needs one assist just to walk around his bed!”

Caller: “Well, either the dementia made him forget he couldn’t walk or he’s just been alone for too long in life.”

Charge Nurse: “Pardon me? I’m sure he’s just in his bed in his room”

Caller: “Look, just come and get him. He took the elevator up four floors, found the gynae ward, walked into a room with a cervical smear in progress, and asked if he could be of assistance.”

Charge Nurse: “…”

Lack-Of-Clothes Make The Lack-Of-A Man

| UK | At The Checkout, Money, Rude & Risque

(An older customer comes to my checkout. He has been staring at me a lot while he has been waiting for service. I am 17 at the time.)

Customer: “Are you from [area in my town]?”

Me: “Oh, no. I don’t live there.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I’ve seen you around there, at [address that is not mine].”

Me: “Oh, no. You must be mistaken.”

(The transaction continues, extremely awkward as he keeps insisting he ‘knows me from somewhere’ and has ‘seen my house’ and things to that effect. I brush him off as one of the harmless, odd customers that one sees in a day.)

Me: “Right, so that comes to £52.56.”

Customer: “Oh I only have £50 on me.”

Me: “Well, if you have no other means of paying, we’ll have to take something off.”

Customer: “Like your clothes?”

Me: “…no.”

Customer: “Like my clothes?”

(I am speechless and upset, and about to go into a rant and call a security guard over, when the next customer intervenes.)

Next Customer: “You are soooo creepy, mate.”

(The customer scuttles off after paying me the full amount, obviously embarrassed about being caught harassing a teenage girl!)

Should Have Called It A Night

| Scotland, UK | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Underaged

(I’m 14, working in the kitchen of a local pub/inn. I arrive at work one day and go to sign in, behind the reception desk in the front hall. A customer comes in and assumes I’m working on the front desk.)

Customer: “Hey! How much are rooms?”

Me: “Depending on which rooms are available, anywhere from £35-65 a night—”

Customer: “No, how much for an hour?”

(He winks at me. Being 14, I don’t understand what he’s getting at.)

Me: “Pardon? The rooms are priced for a night—”

Customer: “Yeah, but how much for you and a room for an hour?”

(I am beyond confused at this point when the manager, a stocky guy with a shaved head, tattooed arms and a strong Glaswegian accent appears from the dining room, right behind the guy.)

Manager: “CAN I HELP YOU!?”

(The customer jumped about a foot in the air, saw my manager, and bolted out the door. My manager refused to tell me what the guy was talking about (and I didn’t realise for another couple of years), just told me to run and get him or the chef if I saw the guy again.)