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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

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Hot-Blooded Versus Low-Blooded

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am a pharmacy student currently working as a technician at a local pharmacy. A patient who is on a blood-pressure lowering medication is now starting a new lowered dose.)

Me: “Hi, Mr. [Patient]. I just wanted to make sure that you’re aware the doctor is changing the dose for your medication?”

Patient: “Yup, I was getting lightheaded and passing out from the medication.”

Me: “Oh, that’s unfortunate. Well, hopefully this new dose works out better for you!”

Patient: “Yeah, so I was on top of my wife and then suddenly I blacked out and I fell on top of her, and it just really killed the mood, y’know? After that, the moment was just over…”

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Reading Between The Coloring Lines

| Canada | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(Adult colouring books are a huge deal at my store, with two drive-aisles dedicated to the stuff. I am working the floor when a young man in his mid-twenties comes in with a girl who could be his girlfriend, sister, or friend. He kind of has a frat-boy look about him, and the girl is dressed semi-professionally. They come up to me, the girl with an amused expression and the guy really excited.)

Male Customer: “So, you guys sell adult coloring books, right?”

Me: “Yeah, we do, right over here.”

Male Customer: *just slightly lowers his voice, kind of stage whisper style* “So, you have, like, those [East] Indian type colouring books?”

Female Customer: *starts blushing a bit*

Me: “Oh, yeah, we have Mandala and Paisley themed colouring books. Some kind of look like henna designs, as well.”

Male Customer: “No, I mean, like, the sex book. The Kama Sutra, except for colouring in.”

Female Customer: *starts laughing a bit because she knows how ridiculous that sounds*

Me: “Uh, no, sir, we don’t. We have kids’ crafts in here so we don’t have anything more explicit like that. Maybe try [Bookstore that also sells colouring books as well as having a more “adult” section]?”

Male Customer: “Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. I get it!”

Female Customer: *keeps laughing*

(A bit later, I am on backup for cashiering, as it is busy. The couple come up, and the male customer has five books and a giant set of pencil crayons.)

Me: “Yeah, these adult colouring books are quite popular.”

Male Customer: “Yeah, I love them! It’s great for when I’m smoking pot but also wanting to do something with my hands, you know?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yeah, I bet! They’re super relaxing!”

Female Customer: *laughing but is also getting a bit embarrassed*

(Everything went smoothly and the couple left, the guy super stoked for his colouring books, the girl half hiding her face. The lady behind them came up, and we both looked at each other in amusement. We’re in British Columbia, so pot is definitely a thing here, but never so public as that!)

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That’s Some Very Explicit Baggage

| Cape Town, South Africa | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work as a cashier at a well-known chain of pharmacies where “You Pay Less.” A woman approaches my till and sets her items down to be scanned. I start reciting the script as we are trained. Note that it is law to charge for the government-regulated plastic bags.)

Me: “Good day and welcome to [Store]. Do you have a [Loyalty Card?]”

Customer: *flings the card at me wordlessly*

Me: “Thank you.” *scans items* “Your total is [total]. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “A medium bag will be [a few cents].”

Customer: “What?! This is a scam! They are bending us over and ramming us deep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *loudly* “I’m telling you, it’s not much but it adds up. I must have spent HUNDREDS on bags in my lifetime! Hundreds to line the pockets of some GREEDY FAT CAT WHO JUST WANTS TO BEND ME OVER AND RAM ME HARD!”

Me: “So… would you like a bag?”

Customer: “I don’t want to be someone’s little b****! I’m not going to let them bend ME over!” *grabs her purchases and hurries from the store, muttering to herself about being ‘bent over and rammed’*

(The other customers in the line all cracked up.)

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Balls To The Walls Crazy

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work for a luxury furniture company that has recently featured giant faux-fur covered pilates balls. A woman in her mid-forties runs into the store with a clearly abnormal level of excitement about the product.)

Woman: “I just came in to touch your balls. Oh! They’re so soft, I could just sit on them naked. They look like dirty snowballs. I want a dirty snowball so bad.”

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Gives New Meaning To ‘Sweet Embrace’

| Ashford, Kent, UK | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’m working in the bread aisle of a supermarket when a couple in their mid-30s approaches me.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, mate, do you sell chocolate body paint at all?”

Me: “I am afraid we do not sell such an item here, sir.”

Male Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I was going to lick it off her tonight.”

(At this point the female customer picks up a bottle of honey.)

Male Customer: “Oh, god, no. We’re not using honey. It get’s stuck in my moustache.”

(After giving the couple directions to the local sex shop I saw them again twenty minutes later. The male customer looked at me with a beaming grin as he proudly showed off the chocolate yoghurt in his hand.)

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