Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Your Whipped Got Whupped

| Canada | Rude & Risque

(I’m working the drive-thru at a popular coffee shop when this happens. It’s been a long day and my brain-to-mouth filter is essentially shot.)

Customer: “…and a non-fat pumpkin spice latte.”

Me: “Would you like whip on that, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Whip me. Everyone needs a good whipping sometimes.”

Me: *without pause* “Only if you buy me dinner first, sir.”

Customer: *crickets chirping in his car*

Me: “Your total is [total] at the window.”

(At the window, the guy was bright red and couldn’t look at me. Meanwhile, the woman in the passenger seat leaned over, still laughing, to say “I needed that laugh. and thank you. He hasn’t been this quiet since before we got married!” He never spoke a word the whole time.)

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You Can’t Just Squirt That Kind Of Thing Out

| Canada | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I’m making drinks on a typical weekend. The customers waiting for drinks are a pair of fifty-year-old golf buddies just chatting.)

Me: “Your mocha will be ready in just a moment here.”

Customer: “Yah, sure.”

(Having run out of whip cream, a pull a fresh container from my fridge and give it a shake. Typically new containers have some water running down the sides from condensation and this flies off when I shake it. Neither customers nor colleagues tend usually notice.)

Customer #1: *watches this* “Oh, so you’re a squirter?”

Me: *look up with very wide eyes, mid-drink* “Um, pardon me?”

Customer #2: “You can’t say stuff like that!”

Customer #1: “Oh.” *picks up drink and walks off without apology*

Me: *stunned silence*

A Care(less) Package

| Boston, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work at a liquor store in downtown Boston. We are surrounded by hotels and high-end apartments and condos, as well as night-life, and get a lot of business Friday and Saturday nights. This Friday evening, I am with the owner and the assistant manager when two twenty-something couples come in, obviously starting a night on the town. They browsed the “nips” case for a few minutes and everyone makes a selection. I ring them up and one of the guys, before we can react, pulls his bottle out of the bag, opens it, and starts to knock it back. The boss, the assistant, and I basically all shouted “STOP!” as one.)

Guy: “Why?”

Boss: “This is a PACKAGE store. The PACKAGE has to leave the store SEALED.”

Guy: “Why CAN’T I drink it here?! You SELL it here…!”

Me: “Yeah, and they sell condoms at [Drugstore Chain], but you’re still not allowed to use them in the aisles!”

(His friends (including his date, which made it doubly satisfying!) totally lost it as he turned bright red and slunk out of the store.)

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Whatever Boris Is Into Is None Of Our Business

| ME, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Technology

(We have a patron who frequently asks the library staff to check the spelling on various words or phrases that she’s searching for online. She never accepts that she just spelled it wrong in the first place, but insists that Google it intentionally messing things up for her.)

Patron: “Can you look up the correct spelling for the Northern Lights?”

Me: “Sure. It’s N-O-R-T-H—”

Patron: “No, I mean the real name for them, ‘Aura’ something.”

Me: “Ah, Aurora Borealis.”

Patron: “Yes, but when I typed it in Google kept messing up and showing me dirty stuff! Can you write down the right spelling?”

(She handed me a slip of paper to write on. On it, she’d already written “AREOLA BORIS”.)

Children Act Off-The-Cuff

| Iowa City, IA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I am working as a cashier at a bookstore when a customer approaches me to pay for her items. Her son is touching everything and messing up all of the nearby display, and doesn’t listen when she tells him to keep his hands to himself.)

Customer: *finally growing frustrated* “Don’t make me put your cuffs on!”

(Her son immediately calms down and starts behaving himself. I think I must have misheard what she said, but I can’t help but notice something round and furry sticking out from her purse. Later, I’m talking with a coworker.)

Coworker: “Did you see that woman earlier who had her kid in fuzzy fetish handcuffs?”

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