Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.


Flirt, Camera, Action

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Love/Romance, Popular, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I am filling in at a different branch on this particular day. A guy who looks old enough to be my dad walks up to my window.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to get a money order today.”

Me: “Sure thing. Do you have an account with us?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, no problem, I’ll just need your ID and a few other pieces of information to get that done for you.”

Customer: “Ask away. I do this every month!”

(I quickly complete the transaction, as the customer is staring at me, and I am extremely uncomfortable. After I hand him the money order…)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I was also lookin’ for a cute girl…” *grins at me and leans in closer*

(I take a small step backward and try not to let my expression change.)

Me: “Is there anything else BANKING-related that I can help you with today?”

Customer: *visibly disappointed* “Well, no. That didn’t work, huh?”

Me: “Er… no.”

Customer: “Oh, well. At least that wasn’t on tape or anything. That would be really embarrassing.”

(Without saying a word, I point to the security camera above my head.)

Customer: *looks up, expression goes from disappointment to horror* “THOSE THINGS ACTUALLY WORK?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, they sure do.”

Customer: “NOW IT’S ON TAPE?!” *runs out the door*

Coworker: “What was THAT?!”

Me: *puts head down on counter* “I think it’s time for a break…”


Teach A Man To Email…

| MO, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Rude & Risque, Technology

(Working tech support, it isn’t uncommon to get calls from older clients. Most of these callers will be learning how to use computers for the first time, so it is always best to be patient with them, and appreciate that they’re trying to understand. My current caller is an older gentleman.)

Me: “How can I assist you today, sir?”

Caller: “I need to send an email.”

(I am meant to provide assistance on our software, so this is a little outside our remit. However, he is one of our clients, so in the interests of good customer service I decide to help out.)

Me: “You need help in setting up an email address?”

Caller: “No, no, my son did that for me already. I just… can’t remember how to get into it.”

Me: “No problem, sir. Do you remember what your address is?”

Caller: “Of course! It’s 1405 John Street. Just drive past the [Store] from the interstate and you’ll find me.”

Me: “Haha, that’s good to know, sir, but I meant your email address.”

Caller: *pause* “Oh, of course you did. How silly of me. You must think me quite the fool.”

Me: “Not at all, sir. After all, I didn’t specify which address!”

Caller: “You’re too kind to an old man. Now, yes, I have it written down here somewhere.”

(As I hear him rifling through some papers, I take a look at his customer account. I suspect that his customer details were set up with the assistance of his son. I see an email address written as [First Name][Last Name][email protected])

Me: “Sir, would your email address be your name, and the year of your birth by any chance?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s it! That’s amazing! How did you know that!”

Me: “It was the email address used when your account with us was set up, sir.”

Caller: “You can see that? How wonderful! Yes, that’s the one.”

Me: “No problem, sir.”

(I go through the steps of logging into his email address, help him with his password prompts (he’d forgotten) and finally get him to the email screen.)

Caller: “So I simply just type my email into this box and then hit the send button?”

Me: “That’s all there is to it, sir.”

Caller: “That’s amazing! You’ve turned my life around, son!”

Me: “It was nothing at all, sir.”

Caller: “You’ve been more help to me these last few minutes than anyone else I’ve ever called about any of this stuff. Can I call you again?”

Me: “Certainly, sir, just call this number and ask for [My Name], and I will be more than happy to help out with anything you need.”

Caller: “Can I call up tomorrow? I’ll need help finding those naughty websites my grandsons don’t know that I know about.”

Me: *pause for shock, but remaining professional* “I will be more than happy to help out with almost anything you need…”


Hot-Blooded Versus Low-Blooded

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am a pharmacy student currently working as a technician at a local pharmacy. A patient who is on a blood-pressure lowering medication is now starting a new lowered dose.)

Me: “Hi, Mr. [Patient]. I just wanted to make sure that you’re aware the doctor is changing the dose for your medication?”

Patient: “Yup, I was getting lightheaded and passing out from the medication.”

Me: “Oh, that’s unfortunate. Well, hopefully this new dose works out better for you!”

Patient: “Yeah, so I was on top of my wife and then suddenly I blacked out and I fell on top of her, and it just really killed the mood, y’know? After that, the moment was just over…”


Reading Between The Coloring Lines

| Canada | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(Adult colouring books are a huge deal at my store, with two drive-aisles dedicated to the stuff. I am working the floor when a young man in his mid-twenties comes in with a girl who could be his girlfriend, sister, or friend. He kind of has a frat-boy look about him, and the girl is dressed semi-professionally. They come up to me, the girl with an amused expression and the guy really excited.)

Male Customer: “So, you guys sell adult coloring books, right?”

Me: “Yeah, we do, right over here.”

Male Customer: *just slightly lowers his voice, kind of stage whisper style* “So, you have, like, those [East] Indian type colouring books?”

Female Customer: *starts blushing a bit*

Me: “Oh, yeah, we have Mandala and Paisley themed colouring books. Some kind of look like henna designs, as well.”

Male Customer: “No, I mean, like, the sex book. The Kama Sutra, except for colouring in.”

Female Customer: *starts laughing a bit because she knows how ridiculous that sounds*

Me: “Uh, no, sir, we don’t. We have kids’ crafts in here so we don’t have anything more explicit like that. Maybe try [Bookstore that also sells colouring books as well as having a more “adult” section]?”

Male Customer: “Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. I get it!”

Female Customer: *keeps laughing*

(A bit later, I am on backup for cashiering, as it is busy. The couple come up, and the male customer has five books and a giant set of pencil crayons.)

Me: “Yeah, these adult colouring books are quite popular.”

Male Customer: “Yeah, I love them! It’s great for when I’m smoking pot but also wanting to do something with my hands, you know?”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yeah, I bet! They’re super relaxing!”

Female Customer: *laughing but is also getting a bit embarrassed*

(Everything went smoothly and the couple left, the guy super stoked for his colouring books, the girl half hiding her face. The lady behind them came up, and we both looked at each other in amusement. We’re in British Columbia, so pot is definitely a thing here, but never so public as that!)


That’s Some Very Explicit Baggage

| Cape Town, South Africa | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work as a cashier at a well-known chain of pharmacies where “You Pay Less.” A woman approaches my till and sets her items down to be scanned. I start reciting the script as we are trained. Note that it is law to charge for the government-regulated plastic bags.)

Me: “Good day and welcome to [Store]. Do you have a [Loyalty Card?]”

Customer: *flings the card at me wordlessly*

Me: “Thank you.” *scans items* “Your total is [total]. Would you like a plastic bag?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “A medium bag will be [a few cents].”

Customer: “What?! This is a scam! They are bending us over and ramming us deep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: *loudly* “I’m telling you, it’s not much but it adds up. I must have spent HUNDREDS on bags in my lifetime! Hundreds to line the pockets of some GREEDY FAT CAT WHO JUST WANTS TO BEND ME OVER AND RAM ME HARD!”

Me: “So… would you like a bag?”

Customer: “I don’t want to be someone’s little b****! I’m not going to let them bend ME over!” *grabs her purchases and hurries from the store, muttering to herself about being ‘bent over and rammed’*

(The other customers in the line all cracked up.)

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