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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

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Not Playing With Phrasing

| Hays, KS, USA | Movies & TV, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I am working for a third party that provides customer service for a very popular TV/Internet/phone company. During the evening shift we get a lot of interesting calls. In this case, I am the one who says something I wish I could take back. When we send a signal to a cable box to try to reboot it, we call it “hitting the box.”)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to watch a show and it’s giving me an error.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I know that’s frustrating. Can you tell me what the error says so I can see how we can fix it?”

Customer: *reads me the error code; it’s for a premium channel*

Me: “Okay, I can see this is for a premium channel. Let me make sure we’ve got the channel active on your account.”

(I verify his account info, and see that he has subscribed to the Playboy channel, and nothing else.)

Me: “I can see that you’re currently subscribed to the Playboy channel. Is that the channel you’re seeing the error code on?”

Customer: “Yes. I really need it to work.”

Me: “No problem; let me hit your box and see if I can get it up for you.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *mortified*

Customer: “…”

Me: “I… I mean… um…”

Customer: *bursts into laughter*

Me: *trying to control my laughter* “I mean… let me… send a signal… to your cable box… and see if I can get your… channel… working again.”

(I got it fixed. He was able to… enjoy… his evening.)

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Plunging Levels Of Maturity

| Bozeman, MT, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Popular, Rude & Risque

Guest: “We’re heading out.  Our toilet won’t flush, just FYI.”

Me: *swamped at the desk* “Thanks for letting me know. Since you’re heading out I’ll let housekeeping know. It probably just needs a good plunging.”

Guest: “Don’t we all.”

Me: *laughing so much I can’t breathe*

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Tastes Like Rubber Chicken

, | OK, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(Our establishment allows us meal vouchers per shift to ensure we actually get something to eat on our lunch breaks. At first, employees weren’t able to use the vouchers in the gift shop, only at food venues, but a memo gets sent out that the directors are planning to change that. A few days after the new rules go into effect, this happens.)

Poker Dealer: *looking around at the shelves* “So, we can use our vouchers in here, right?”

Me: “Yep, anything you want. You just have to cover the difference.”

Poker Dealer: *talking with another dealer as they look before he reaches for an item holding it up* “Can I get these?”

Me: “Those are condoms…”

Poker Dealer: “So?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, are you going to eat them?”

Poker Dealer: “No… but someone else is!”

Me: *speechless*

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Flirt, Camera, Action

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Love/Romance, Popular, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I am filling in at a different branch on this particular day. A guy who looks old enough to be my dad walks up to my window.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to get a money order today.”

Me: “Sure thing. Do you have an account with us?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, no problem, I’ll just need your ID and a few other pieces of information to get that done for you.”

Customer: “Ask away. I do this every month!”

(I quickly complete the transaction, as the customer is staring at me, and I am extremely uncomfortable. After I hand him the money order…)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I was also lookin’ for a cute girl…” *grins at me and leans in closer*

(I take a small step backward and try not to let my expression change.)

Me: “Is there anything else BANKING-related that I can help you with today?”

Customer: *visibly disappointed* “Well, no. That didn’t work, huh?”

Me: “Er… no.”

Customer: “Oh, well. At least that wasn’t on tape or anything. That would be really embarrassing.”

(Without saying a word, I point to the security camera above my head.)

Customer: *looks up, expression goes from disappointment to horror* “THOSE THINGS ACTUALLY WORK?!”

Me: “Yes, sir, they sure do.”

Customer: “NOW IT’S ON TAPE?!” *runs out the door*

Coworker: “What was THAT?!”

Me: *puts head down on counter* “I think it’s time for a break…”

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Teach A Man To Email…

| MO, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Rude & Risque, Technology

(Working tech support, it isn’t uncommon to get calls from older clients. Most of these callers will be learning how to use computers for the first time, so it is always best to be patient with them, and appreciate that they’re trying to understand. My current caller is an older gentleman.)

Me: “How can I assist you today, sir?”

Caller: “I need to send an email.”

(I am meant to provide assistance on our software, so this is a little outside our remit. However, he is one of our clients, so in the interests of good customer service I decide to help out.)

Me: “You need help in setting up an email address?”

Caller: “No, no, my son did that for me already. I just… can’t remember how to get into it.”

Me: “No problem, sir. Do you remember what your address is?”

Caller: “Of course! It’s 1405 John Street. Just drive past the [Store] from the interstate and you’ll find me.”

Me: “Haha, that’s good to know, sir, but I meant your email address.”

Caller: *pause* “Oh, of course you did. How silly of me. You must think me quite the fool.”

Me: “Not at all, sir. After all, I didn’t specify which address!”

Caller: “You’re too kind to an old man. Now, yes, I have it written down here somewhere.”

(As I hear him rifling through some papers, I take a look at his customer account. I suspect that his customer details were set up with the assistance of his son. I see an email address written as [First Name][Last Name][email protected])

Me: “Sir, would your email address be your name, and the year of your birth by any chance?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s it! That’s amazing! How did you know that!”

Me: “It was the email address used when your account with us was set up, sir.”

Caller: “You can see that? How wonderful! Yes, that’s the one.”

Me: “No problem, sir.”

(I go through the steps of logging into his email address, help him with his password prompts (he’d forgotten) and finally get him to the email screen.)

Caller: “So I simply just type my email into this box and then hit the send button?”

Me: “That’s all there is to it, sir.”

Caller: “That’s amazing! You’ve turned my life around, son!”

Me: “It was nothing at all, sir.”

Caller: “You’ve been more help to me these last few minutes than anyone else I’ve ever called about any of this stuff. Can I call you again?”

Me: “Certainly, sir, just call this number and ask for [My Name], and I will be more than happy to help out with anything you need.”

Caller: “Can I call up tomorrow? I’ll need help finding those naughty websites my grandsons don’t know that I know about.”

Me: *pause for shock, but remaining professional* “I will be more than happy to help out with almost anything you need…”

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