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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

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Ball Games

| WI, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I work at a hardware store that sells seasonal outdoor games like badminton sets and the like. I ask a couple who are shopping if they need any help.)

Female Customer: “Oh, yes, actually—”

Male Customer: *interrupting his wife* “Yes, we were wondering if you carry testicle toss.”

(She immediately goes red from embarrassment and looks to me apologetically.)

Me: *laughing with the husband* “Yes, we do. That will be in our toys section this way.”

Male Customer: “What do you call it? Because we call it testicle toss!”

Me: “I see this. Most people just call it Ladder Toss.”

(She apologized again to me about her husband’s way of describing the game and they left.)

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Mummy And Daddy Play Too

| ME, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I work in a little touristy/toy store for kids and all ages. Near the till we have a lot of gag stuff displayed like funny books, fake dog poop, etc. One of the items we have is a set of toy handcuffs. I am checking out a mother.)

Little Girl: *probably around four* “Oh, mommy, look! Handcuffs!”

Mom: “You don’t need those; put them back.” *continues with transaction*

Little Girl: “Not for me; for you! You said you wanted to handcuff daddy!”

Mom: “No, I didn’t!”

Little Girl: “Yeah, you did; you said you wanted to handcuff daddy but we didn’t have handcuffs, remember? Well, here. I think these are the ones. You can handcuff daddy now.”

Mom: “No, we don’t need those.”

Me: *now finished and trying very hard to not laugh* “Have a nice day!”

(They left without the handcuffs but the girl said ‘you wanted to handcuff daddy’ a few more times!)

Today’s Episode Was Brought To You By The Letter ‘S,’ ‘T,’ and ‘D!’

, | Dildo, NL, Canada | Rude & Risque

(Dildo is a real place, I swear. It’s my first week in a new job in the back of a convenience store which houses a DVD rental service at the back but most people just go in to find something “special.” I’m at the counter. I should probably add that a lot of people try and steal the DVDs by putting cheaper ones in. A man walks into the shop and by his overall demeanor I can tell he wants something from the “adult section.” Before coming to the front counter, he waits for everyone to leave, which takes about 30 minutes, and slams an adult film on the counter along with some change.)

Me: “Hello. How’s your trip to [Store] been today?”

Customer: “I don’t care. Just ring me up before anyone sees me.”

Me: “Okay, that will be…” *noticing the case is already a little wet, I put it down and try not to puke*

Customer: “It’s $5, now gimme it.”

Me: “Okay, here you go.”

(Another 30 minutes goes by with no customers, so I decide to lock up. As I close the shutters, the same man runs in with the DVD now held above his head screaming.)

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU F****** IMBECILE!”

(I take a look at the box and see nothing out of order until I open it and find what’s in the box: a copy of “Sesame Street,” not really something that I suppose that guy wanted.)

Me: “Do you want me to change that for you?”

Customer: “Nope, I’m just going to have the real thing now, but remember you gave me gonorrhoea.”

Me: “WHAT?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll have to get a hooker now and they have gonorrhoea so you gave me it!”

(He then proceeded to walk out of the shop screaming “you gave me gonorrhoea!”)

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Dealt With It Single-Handedly

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I am a receptionist at a busy insurance brokerage in downtown Vancouver. For the previous three years, I’d get a random obscene phone call in February. It seemed to me that someone was going alphabetically through a phone book and dialing random businesses, and February was when he got to me. It was getting annoying. One day I answer the phone:)

Me: “Good afternoon, [Insurance Broker]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Guess what I’m holding in my hand?”

Me: “If you only need one hand I’m not interested.”

Caller: “…” *click*

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Not Playing With Phrasing

| Hays, KS, USA | Movies & TV, Popular, Rude & Risque

(I am working for a third party that provides customer service for a very popular TV/Internet/phone company. During the evening shift we get a lot of interesting calls. In this case, I am the one who says something I wish I could take back. When we send a signal to a cable box to try to reboot it, we call it “hitting the box.”)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to watch a show and it’s giving me an error.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I know that’s frustrating. Can you tell me what the error says so I can see how we can fix it?”

Customer: *reads me the error code; it’s for a premium channel*

Me: “Okay, I can see this is for a premium channel. Let me make sure we’ve got the channel active on your account.”

(I verify his account info, and see that he has subscribed to the Playboy channel, and nothing else.)

Me: “I can see that you’re currently subscribed to the Playboy channel. Is that the channel you’re seeing the error code on?”

Customer: “Yes. I really need it to work.”

Me: “No problem; let me hit your box and see if I can get it up for you.”

Customer: “…”

Me: *mortified*

Customer: “…”

Me: “I… I mean… um…”

Customer: *bursts into laughter*

Me: *trying to control my laughter* “I mean… let me… send a signal… to your cable box… and see if I can get your… channel… working again.”

(I got it fixed. He was able to… enjoy… his evening.)

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