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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Beaver Believer

| CO, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work in a highway station in the Colorado mountains, and get a lot of tourists. A gentleman comes in wearing a joke souvenir shirt from Beaver, UT that says ‘I <3 Beaver.’ He grabs a Colorado shirt and approaches the register.)

Him: “I have to change. A guy just came up to me in another store and say ‘Hey, me, too’!”

Tastes Like Bad Parenting

| Florence, KY, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(A woman and her roughly 14-year-old daughter are standing in front of the family planning section.)

Mother: “Here, taste this one.”

Daughter: “Ew, it tastes like rubber bands!”

Me: *walking over to see what is going on* “Can I help you?”

Mother & Daughter: *simultaneously* “No, nothing is going on!”

Me: *perplexed as to what I’m seeing* “Why are all these packages of condoms open?!”

Mother: “We just wanted to taste them before we bought them!”

Me: “Uhm, no. You can’t just open them!”

Mother: “Well, geez! You don’t have to get mad about it! I want to speak to a manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, my manager will tell you the same thing. Please stop tasting the condoms with your daughter. You should pay for all of these!”

Mother & Daughter: *giggles and runs out of the department leaving behind all the open condoms*

(For what it’s worth, we sold flavored condoms, but they didn’t taste any of those!)

The Milk Of Human Weirdness

| MN, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work in a small-town at one of the three restaurants that the residents have to choose from, so we get a lot of regulars. One regular in particular comes on a near daily basis and has always seemed generally friendly and polite, if not a little bit strange. Nevertheless, he knows all the employees there very well and often chats with us while he’s in the store. One day he decides to have story time.)

Customer: “Oh, yes, it’s been rather lonely ever since my wife died.”

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry for your loss!”

Customer: “Yeah, I miss her a lot. She was a very kind, accommodating woman. Shortly after she had our daughter she began breastfeeding her, so I asked her if I could breastfeed off of her for sexual pleasure.”

(I was very thrown-off by this and really disturbed. The only people in the store were me and this regular along with another coworker of mine who was out back smoking. That meant I didn’t even have anyone to distract me or change the topic of conversation as I was too shocked into silence to do so myself. He continued to ramble on, unaware of my horror.)

Customer: “It was completely consensual. We both found it very satisfying. And long after our daughter got older, my wife, God bless her, kept lactating because I was breastfeeding off of her so much. She kept producing milk until the day she died.”

Me: “That’s… really, uh…”

Customer: “She was a rather large woman, bless her heart.”

(My coworker had come back in and saw that I was red in the face and was slightly confused by my look of obvious discomfort, considering I was serving a regular who we all liked and knew well. She decided to listen in to see what was up.)

Customer: “I know this isn’t something you’d typically say in public or anything, but I figure we know each other well enough.”

Me: “Um… ”

(My coworker seemed to know that he must’ve said something to freak me out and quickly jumped in.)

Coworker: “Hey, if you want I can finish his sandwich so you can go do that… thing.”

(I practically sprinted into the back room. Later, I explained to my co-worker what he had said and she was as horrified as I was. The icing on the cake is that I get to see him nearly every single day. Every. Single. Day.)