Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

The Mother Of All Worries

| Norway | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I am assisting a 92-year-old male patient.)

Me: “Come on, young fella, you can do this!”

Patient: “Hah, young? I could have been your father!” *adding mischievously* “Your mother wouldn’t want that, though.”

Feeling Bad For Jimmy

| Waukesha, WI, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(It is 1995. I am 18 and working as a third shift stocker at a major grocery store chain. I am approached by an 18-20 year old white male.)

Customer: “Hey, man, you got any Jimmy Hats?”

Me: “…and they are?”

Customer: “You know man! Jimmy Hats! I need to get my Jimmy Hats. They are for my girl.”

Me: “Are they a type of candy? If so, aisle four, far end on your left.”

(The customer leaves off in that direction and I continue stocking. The customer comes back.)

Customer: “Hey, I couldn’t find them. I need to get the Jimmy Hats my girl wants.”

Me: “Okay, I will come look. Do you know what the packaging looks like?”

Customer: “Yeah, they are Jimmy Hats.”

(I walk him over to the candy aisle and start looking with him and he also looks through the candy.)

Customer: “See, man? I don’t see Jimmy Hats here anywhere.”

Me: “Okay, do you want me to page someone else for assistance?”

Customer: “No man, I just need the Jimmy Hats.”

Me: “Do you know what they look like?”

Customer: “Yeah! They look like Jimmy Hats.”

(This goes on for a bit like this in a horrible circle.)

Me: “Okay, I can’t help you. Let me page someone else.”

Customer: “Okay, hopefully they can help me find the Jimmy Hats.”

Me: *on intercom* “Customer in need of assistance in [aisle].”

(One of my coworkers comes over.)

Customer: “I need a box of Jimmy Hats for my girlfriend and he can’t find them.”

Coworker: *looks confused* “And they are?”

Customer: “JIMMY HATS! My girlfriend wants me to get a box of JIMMY HATS!”

(The customer suddenly looks embarrassed that he yelled that. Starts looking around nervously. A grandmother and her grandkids have now come into the aisle and start going through the candy.)

Coworker: “We might not carry that type of candy.”

Customer: “But they are Jimmy Hats. She said she got them here before!”

Coworker: “We might be out of stock.”

Customer: “But I need to get Jimmy Hats for my girl.”

(I go and get a female cashier to try and help him. The customer turns red.)

Customer: “Um. I just need them… you know…” *gestures downwards*

Me: *realizes* “Condoms?”

Customer: *he just blinks and nods*

Me: “Why didn’t you tell me it wasn’t candy when we were searching this aisle? You even looked at the candy.”

Customer: “Well, I am hungry…”

(I take customer to the proper area and he gets his condoms.)

Cashier: “Okay, one bag of Twizzlers and your Jimmy Hats.”

Customer: *just turns red, pays, and walks out*

Birth Out-Of-Control

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am the patient in this story. I just received the birth control injection that goes in the arm.)

Me: “So, how soon does it take for this to take effect?”

Doctor: “Right now, you’re good to go!”

Me: “Challenge accepted!”

Doctor: “…”

Her Lips Are Sealed And Waterproof

| WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am shopping for shelf brackets at a hardware store and I overhear this conversation between a nervous-looking woman and an apron-clad store assistant.)

Woman: “Yes, hi, I need to replace the edges of my bathtub. Could you tell me which aisle has those?”

Assistant: “Well, we have bathroom units and tub liners that cover your bath and give it a new surface. I can show you where those are, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No, no, no. I don’t want a new bathtub. I just need to… there are some cracks and old spots around the edges that I just need to, um, reseal.”

Assistant: “Oh, well if you want to touch up cracks or worn places in the finish, I’d really suggest having a professional come look at it. We have the primer and finish here, but it’s not the easiest job for one person.”

Woman: *visibly flustered and fidgeting with her pocketbook* “No, it’s not the paint that needs to be fixed; it’s the edges near the wall. I need to seal them so I don’t get mold in the walls.”

Assistant: *I see his brow furrow as I sneak a peek at the odd conversation* “So something to waterproof the inside edges? Do you mean caulk?”

Woman: *turns an alarmingly bright red and stares at him for a few seconds with wide eyes before whispering* “Yes, that.”

Assistant: *looking amused, but stays professional* “No problem, ma’am, the waterproofing sealant is this way. In fact, we have some products that prevent mildew, so you don’t have to worry about your walls.”

(They walk off and I giggle to myself. The poor woman, around fifty years old but still too embarrassed to say ‘caulk’!)

I Swear By My Password

, | TX, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I work for an ISP that also provides e-mail. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Provider]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I just got a new computer, and I can’t remember the password to log into my e-mail.”

Me: “I can certainly help you out with that. Give me one moment to bring up your account.”

(I verify some information with her and bring up her info, including her e-mail password. Because of what it is though, I’m having trouble figuring out how to give it to her.)

Me: “Okay… So, I have your password up now. So I just want to be clear that what I’m about to tell you is really what I’m seeing on my screen.”

Customer: “All right.”

Me: “Okay, well, the password is ‘f*** you.'”

(I hear some typing in the background.)

Customer: “Great! That was it! Thank you so much!” *click*

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