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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Why Did They Have To Order Sausage?

| San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’ve been serving at a loosely fine-dining establishment for a couple of months. Before this job, I worked at a corporate chain restaurant, so I’m still a little more enthusiastic than the job calls for and can talk a bit much.)

Customer #1: “How big are the pizzas?”

Me: “They’re about 12 inches.”

Customer #1: “Oh. Will that feed two people?”

Me: “Usually. Some people eat it all by themselves, but two people could easily split the pizza if you ordered an appetizer or salad or something as well.”

Customer #1: “Okay, we’ll get the pepperoni and sausage, and two Caesars.”

(Once the pizza is ready, I take it out to the table. Along the way, another one of my tables that had decided against the pizza stopped me to look at it.)

Customer #2: “Wow! That pizza is actually pretty big! We should have gotten one!”

Me: “I know! 12 inches doesn’t sound all that big until it’s right there in front of you! I guess you gotta see it to realize how big it really is.”

(My eyes widen and my face instantly turns red as I realize the dirty way my statement could be misconstrued, so I quickly take the pizza and drop it off at the right table.)

Customer #1: “Oh, honey, I don’t think we even needed to order those salads! This pizza is much bigger than I thought!”

Me: “Uh, huh… yep, it’s big. Enjoy!”

Riddles In The Dark Knight

| Asheville, NC, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a petite, late twenties woman; the guest is at least fifty years old, if not that young.)

Guest: “Riddle me this.”

Me: “Okay, Batman.”

(The guest stops and stares a moment:)

Guest: “Wow, if I wasn’t already married, I’d take you home…” *awkward pause* “…as my daughter!” *asks his question and leaves*

Me: *to coworker* “I’m sorta glad he added that last part, because that was really creepy!”

The World’s Oldest Craft

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(My mum and I are in a craft store buying supplies for a skirt I am making. We cannot find the hooks and eyes. We ask a worker at the store for help.)

Worker: “How may I help you?”

Mum: “We need to find hookers.”

(She just stares at us.)

Mum: *laughs uncontrollably* “I mean hooks and eyes!”