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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

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This Christmas, Think Inside The Box

| WV, USA | Bizarre, Holidays, Rude & Risque

(I am a middle-aged female employee at a fabric and crafts store and am on the floor helping people with finding items and planning crafts. A very tall man in his early thirties comes up to me.)

Man: “I am looking for gift boxes, but I can’t seem to find one large enough.”

Me: “All our holiday gift boxes have been moved to the front. I’ll show you.”

(I take him to the boxes and he begins considering which one to get and isn’t sure any of them will work.)

Me: “What kind of thing are you trying to fit in the box? Maybe I can help you find the right size.”

Man: “Well, I kind of need one with a lid that pops off.”

Me: “But what are you going to put in the box? Do you have it with you? We can check to see if it fits.”

Man: *looks awkward and mumbly* “Yeah… um. Have you heard of the SNL skit by Lonely Island about… um… things in boxes?”

(I understand immediately. I’m older but love funny things and being a general goofball. He’s referring to a song called “D*** in a Box” where the singer cuts a hole in the box and puts his junk in that box then makes his romantic partner open the box.)

Me: “Ah, yes, sir, I have! Hmmm. Have you considered the wine gift boxes?” *these boxes are very long and cylindrical*

Man: *seems somewhat thrown and relieved by my matter-of-factness* “No, I need something that opens at the top. And I need it to be really sturdy and big enough so I can cut into it and it will still hold up. I’m going to thread my belt through it to hold it up. There’s no room for my belt, and, um, in the wine box.”

Me: *I find something more rectangular with a flip open lid, about 6″ tall and 8″ square* “Hmmm, How about this one? It opens, has a magnetic closure and evens says “Rejoice!” in giant letters on the top. ‘See what I’ve got? Rejoice ye who open the box!’”

Man: *laughs* “Yes, I think that’s perfect! But I need a second one for my brother-in-law; we’re going to do a skit for the family this year.”

(I find this odd, but press forward as if I do not. Honestly, it sounds like a quite interesting family.)

Me: *picks up a slightly smaller box in the same design* “How about this one? I assume you want to seem like the bigger man.”

Man: *chortles* “If he asks me why I could say ‘Yeah, I’ve talked to your wife, dude, and you totally need a smaller box.’”

(We both laugh but he ends up getting the same size box as his own to avoid family fights over the holidays over d***-box-size. I still enjoy imagining that family’s Christmas party. “Hey Grandma, I got something to show ya!”)

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Someone Had A Very Happy Holidays

| NY, USA | Holidays, Non-Dialogue, Rude & Risque

It is just a little before Christmas, I’m outside pushing carts, when a coworker asks me to check a strange black garbage bag that had been sitting next to her car all day.

Not being 100% clear of the regulations regarding random black garbage bags, I open it up to find inside a large piece of machinery. After a few moments, I lift up something that is instantly identifiable as a sex toy, which makes me realize that I am in the presence of a much larger mechanical sex toy.

I looked at my watch and see that my shift is thankfully now up, go inside, clock out, and go home. I found out later that the two night supervisors had to take care of it.

I was having no part of that.

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You Toy With Me I’ll Toy With You

| NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(I answer the phone. The caller is male; I am female.)

Me: “[Grocery], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Your hold music is awesome.”

Me: “Thanks… What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Do you sell…” *giggles* “…sex toys?”

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: *still giggling* “Oh, well, my girlf—” *I disconnect the call*

(Later, when I’m relaying the story to a coworker…)

Me: “I should have said ‘no, you’ll have to find another way to go f*** yourself.'”

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Your Whipped Got Whupped

| Canada | Rude & Risque

(I’m working the drive-thru at a popular coffee shop when this happens. It’s been a long day and my brain-to-mouth filter is essentially shot.)

Customer: “…and a non-fat pumpkin spice latte.”

Me: “Would you like whip on that, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Whip me. Everyone needs a good whipping sometimes.”

Me: *without pause* “Only if you buy me dinner first, sir.”

Customer: *crickets chirping in his car*

Me: “Your total is [total] at the window.”

(At the window, the guy was bright red and couldn’t look at me. Meanwhile, the woman in the passenger seat leaned over, still laughing, to say “I needed that laugh. and thank you. He hasn’t been this quiet since before we got married!” He never spoke a word the whole time.)

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You Can’t Just Squirt That Kind Of Thing Out

| Canada | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I’m making drinks on a typical weekend. The customers waiting for drinks are a pair of fifty-year-old golf buddies just chatting.)

Me: “Your mocha will be ready in just a moment here.”

Customer: “Yah, sure.”

(Having run out of whip cream, a pull a fresh container from my fridge and give it a shake. Typically new containers have some water running down the sides from condensation and this flies off when I shake it. Neither customers nor colleagues tend usually notice.)

Customer #1: *watches this* “Oh, so you’re a squirter?”

Me: *look up with very wide eyes, mid-drink* “Um, pardon me?”

Customer #2: “You can’t say stuff like that!”

Customer #1: “Oh.” *picks up drink and walks off without apology*

Me: *stunned silence*

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