Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.


Children Act Off-The-Cuff

| Iowa City, IA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I am working as a cashier at a bookstore when a customer approaches me to pay for her items. Her son is touching everything and messing up all of the nearby display, and doesn’t listen when she tells him to keep his hands to himself.)

Customer: *finally growing frustrated* “Don’t make me put your cuffs on!”

(Her son immediately calms down and starts behaving himself. I think I must have misheard what she said, but I can’t help but notice something round and furry sticking out from her purse. Later, I’m talking with a coworker.)

Coworker: “Did you see that woman earlier who had her kid in fuzzy fetish handcuffs?”


Sex Sells The News

| USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work at a local newspaper. A man comes in to discuss the online membership for the local news website I have built. He starts innocently enough by asking for the URL – some people are too scared to try a business name with a .com after it, so this is a common question.)

Me: “It’s WWW dot [City Name] news dot com.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “[City Name] news dot com.”

Customer: “One more time?”

Me: “[City Name].”

Customer: “I got that.”

Me: “…news. Dot com.”

Customer: “Are you saying…” *he leans in to whisper* “Nudes? Like an adult website?”

Me: *holding up that morning’s paper, and pointing to the URL near the top of the front page* “NEWS. Do you recall walking into the building for the NEWS paper. We are [City Name] NEWS, so we own the website of the same name.”


Customers Will Always Find Something To Moan About

| USA | Rude & Risque

(It’s very early in the morning, and I’m having a mild allergic reaction. It causes my face to break out into a very, very itchy rash. Luckily, I have some antihistamines, which I take, but they are not powerful enough to stop the severe itchiness. Scratching it makes it even itchier, so I go to get some ice from the employee freezer and apply it to the rash. This helps, and no one has arrived yet, so I can’t help letting out a moan of relief.)

Me: *applying ice* “Ooh, yeah. Ohhh, yeahhhhh. Ahhhhh!”

(Unknown to me, a customer comes in, hears me, and walks out. The next day, my manager calls me over.)

Manager: “We got a complaint saying that there was no one at the front desk and there were loud moans coming from the back office.”

Me: *explains*

Manager: *looks at my obvious facial rash* “Ooh. I believe you… The customers said that she heard someone having sex in the back office, so I was a little concerned…”

(So I guess moans equals sex now. Nice to know where her head was!)


Ball Games

| WI, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I work at a hardware store that sells seasonal outdoor games like badminton sets and the like. I ask a couple who are shopping if they need any help.)

Female Customer: “Oh, yes, actually—”

Male Customer: *interrupting his wife* “Yes, we were wondering if you carry testicle toss.”

(She immediately goes red from embarrassment and looks to me apologetically.)

Me: *laughing with the husband* “Yes, we do. That will be in our toys section this way.”

Male Customer: “What do you call it? Because we call it testicle toss!”

Me: “I see this. Most people just call it Ladder Toss.”

(She apologized again to me about her husband’s way of describing the game and they left.)


Mummy And Daddy Play Too

| ME, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I work in a little touristy/toy store for kids and all ages. Near the till we have a lot of gag stuff displayed like funny books, fake dog poop, etc. One of the items we have is a set of toy handcuffs. I am checking out a mother.)

Little Girl: *probably around four* “Oh, mommy, look! Handcuffs!”

Mom: “You don’t need those; put them back.” *continues with transaction*

Little Girl: “Not for me; for you! You said you wanted to handcuff daddy!”

Mom: “No, I didn’t!”

Little Girl: “Yeah, you did; you said you wanted to handcuff daddy but we didn’t have handcuffs, remember? Well, here. I think these are the ones. You can handcuff daddy now.”

Mom: “No, we don’t need those.”

Me: *now finished and trying very hard to not laugh* “Have a nice day!”

(They left without the handcuffs but the girl said ‘you wanted to handcuff daddy’ a few more times!)

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