Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Just Took A Ride On A 12-Inch

| Crawley, England, UK | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(Back in the 1970s I worked behind the counter in a record store. The band Hawkwind has just released a special 12-inch single edition of their hit “Silver Machine.” A young lad comes in:)

Lad: *in an apologetic voice* “Um, I don’t mean to be personal, but, er, have you got, er, a twelve inch silver machine?”

Me: *laughter*

About To Be Old-Fashion Glazed

| OH, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(A couple has just walked in and ordered two donuts, and I place them both in the same bag and hand them out. After I wish them a nice day, I hear this conversation:)

Woman: *to the man* “Oh, she put our donuts in the same bag. My donut is contaminating your donut. MY DONUT IS HAVING SEX WITH YOUR DONUT!”

(I ended up having to run to the back room to burst out laughing.)

Should Try Neurotica Instead

| Overland Park, KS, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Rude & Risque

(I am working at the customer service booth at a bookstore when a woman approaches with a young child.)

Customer: “I’m looking for—” *mumbles*

Me: “I’m sorry, could you say that again, please? I had a hard time hearing you.”

Customer: “I said—” *mumbles*

Me: “I’m sorry, please speak up a little more.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Didn’t you hear me the first time? I need it now!”

Me: “I didn’t hear you, that’s why I need you to speak a little louder, ma’am—”

Customer: “EROTICA! I said I want erotica! I need to have sex with the book!”

Me: “Well, our adult romance section is upstairs. I could lead you over there.”

Customer: *talking normally in a cheerful voice* “That’s okay, thanks.” *to kid* “You go get the condoms and meet me upstairs, okay?”

Kid: “Okay, mommy.”

(They split up, leaving me speechless. Another customer approaches.)

Me: “Can I help you find something, sir?”

Man: *mocking the crazy lady* “Cookbooks! I’m hungry and I want to eat the book!”

Me: “Our cookbooks are right next to adult romance. Let me bring you up there and introduce you to another customer…”

That Better Just Be Cream Inside

| ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(One of our best selling donuts is the éclair which has a rather… phallic shape. A mother and daughter come are ordering via drive through.)

Mother: *at the speaker* “Do you have any of those creamy long donuts?”

Daughter: “THE ECLAIRS. PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE THEM!”

Me: “Yes, we have three left.”

Daughter: “WE’LL TAKE THEM ALL!”

Me: “Okay, please drive through.”

(They come around to the window. They pay and I hand them their box of éclairs.)

Daughter: “You know, these things are SOOO delicious.”

Mother: “Mm-hmm.”

Daughter: “I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH THEM IF I COULD!”

(The daughter then proceeded to stick the éclair in her mouth in a very sexual way. The mother screamed and drove away.)

The TV Isn’t The Only Thing Turned On

| Scotland, UK | Bad Behavior, Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am on the front desk during the night shift. While checking in a guest is a little too excited about me being a woman. It is about three am and his room calls.)

Me: “Front desk. How can I help you?”

Guest: “Can you, umm, come up and fix my TV?”

Me: “What appears to be the problem?”

Guest: “It just isn’t turning on.”

Me: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(I send up one the more experienced on-hand staff to take a look, but I get I another call not five minutes after.)

Me: “Front desk—”

Guest: “YOU SENT A MAN UP TO MY ROOM!”

Me: “He is the most capable to handle your problem.”

Guest: “I WANTED YOU! YOU COME UP! NOW!”

Me: “I cannot, sir, as I am managing the front desk tonight and cannot leave it.”

Guest: “F*** you!”

(I hang up. He calls back, screaming expletives, and I hang up again. By his third or fourth attempt the staff I sent up walks past me. He is white as a ghost.)

Me: “What happened?”

Staff: *turning to me* “WHO ANSWERS THEIR DOOR NAKED?!”

(We both laugh, but the gravity of the situation hits me.)

Staff: *clocking on* “You allowed to kick him out?”

Me: “I guess so. I’ll check the CCTV first, though.”

(The CCTV showed the guy answering the door, in all his glory with a very much erect penis. At this I finally answered his calls and warned him, through his screams, that it had been decided that he must leave, and if he didn’t of his own accord, security would do it for him. The calls stopped, but after half an hour he didn’t show up. I called security. They were down with him within five minutes. He was still naked and screaming expletives. They threw him out and he was left to dress outside the hotel. Once dressed he flipped us off and stormed off. A week later the manager questioned me about a complaint he made. After seeing the CCTV and call history, he was promptly banned from the hotel.)

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