Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.

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The Customer Is Fruit Loops

| TX, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Religion

Me: “Hi, would you like to try a free sample of Lucky Charms?”

Customer: “I don’t believe in luck! Luck is of the devil, you know! Luck is of the devil!”

Me: “…I also have Cocoa Puffs?”

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Only Wears Blood (Of Christ) Diamonds

| Bradenton, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Popular, Religion

Customer: *verbatim – as in the customer actually spoke this way* “Is this diamonds in this earrings is real?”

Me: “Yes, they are.”

Customer: “They isn’t fake? Or created?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “No! I MEAN… is they is made by God? Is they outta the dirt? God’s dirt?”

Me: “They are genuine diamonds, ma’am.”

Customer: “But is they is made by God?! Is they is from the dirt God made?!”

Me: “They are genuine diamonds; from the earth.”

Customer: “GOD’S earth?! I only wear things that is made by God, from the dirt that God created!”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you for sure that God made these diamonds, or the dirt they came from, but they are as genuine as they get. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

(What I wanted to say was, ‘He sure didn’t make the patent leather and lycra that your outfit is made out of!’)

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Deathly Afraid Of This

| UK | Bizarre, Popular, Religion

(I work in a mortuary (or ‘morgue’ as they’re called in the US). One of the deceased gentlemen in our care is being visited by his daughter in our chapel of rest. She rings the bell to summon me.)

Woman: “I need to give you something to keep with him”

(This is a fairly normal request. People often like to leave things like photographs and cards with their loved-ones.)

Me: “Of course; I’ll make sure it stays with him.”

Woman: *handing me a sandwich in a bag and a bottle of water* “This is for when he wakes up; I expect he’ll be hungry and thirsty.”

Me: *trying to keep my facial expression neutral* “Uh, for, when… when he wakes up?”

Woman: “Yes, my church group has been praying for him and the church leader says he should wake up any time now. He’s seen it happen lots of times before, firsthand.”

Me: “Uh. Well, okay… I will certainly make sure these stay with him.”

Woman: “And you’ll call me as soon as he wakes up?”

Me: “I promise that if he wakes up, I’ll call you and let you know straight away.”

Woman: *completely seriously and straight-faced* “Thank you. I hope he doesn’t take too long about it.”

(The following day she called in the morning to check whether he was awake. A coworker and I checked, half-afraid of what we might find, but alas he was still deceased and the sandwich and water were untouched. Later that day the woman arrived with her entire church group and introduced me to the leader who explained to me once again, completely straight-faced, that he had successfully managed to resurrect several people before now so was confident he’d be able to in this instance. They stayed a while, praying and singing, then eventually left.  The deceased never woke up, and he and his sandwich eventually left for the funeral home.)

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Has Faith But Lost All Pope, Part 3

| Bilbao, Spain | Books & Reading, Religion

(My wife and I are the clients in a bookstore specialized in books related to Catholicism, looking for a gift for her mother.)

Clerk: “May I help you?”

Wife: “Yeah, we want a book.”

(The clerk looks at her in silence, waiting for something else.)

Me: “Honey, all they sell are books.”

Wife: *embarrassed* “Oh, sorry, you’re right! We’re looking for books about Christian things.”

(The clerk and I both look at her in silence.)

Wife: *more embarrassed* “Uhm… something about the new pope.”

Clerk: “Certainly, ma’am, we have an entire section.”

Me: “Thank god!”

Related:

Has Faith But Lost All Pope, Part 2

Has Faith But Lost All Pope

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Number Of The Beastly Coincidences, Part 2

| British Columbia, Canada | At The Checkout, Religion

(I am a cashier at a popular chain in our province. We have a loyalty card that earns the customer points that can be redeemed in-store on groceries or at the online store. Typically a point is earned with every dollar, though purchasing some products will earn a number of bonus points. I’m ringing up a customer.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “Well, I’ve had a tough day. Just gotta pick up groceries for the week for the kids, then I can go home.”

Me: “Hopefully you can relax then! Your total is $160, nice and even.”

Customer: *chuckles* “As long as it’s not 6-6-6!”

(She pays and her receipt prints out. At this chain, we tell the customers how much they saved with their loyalty card, and how many points they earned on this shop. I tell her her savings and as I get to her points, I start to laugh.)

Me: “…and you earned 666 points today!”

(The customer just took her receipt and left.)

Related:
Number Of The Beastly Coincidences

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