Category: Religion

There’s nothing worse than a stupid customer than a stupid customer with a cause. If these people had a maker he would likely have filed them under ‘rejects’.


And I’ll Have Some Muslin Muslims While I Am At It

| KY, USA | Funny Names, Religion

(I worked in a fabric store and had this conversation more times than I care to think about.)

Customer: “Do you have any Baptists?””

Me: “Do you mean batiste?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Well batiste is a fabric and Baptists are a religious group.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I want three yards of Baptists.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I can’t sell people. It’s against the law.”


Hard To Love Religion When It’s Full Of Hate

| FL, USA | Bigotry, Popular, Religion

(I’m Jewish and wear a Star of David pendant on a necklace everyday of my life. I have just finished ringing up a customer’s groceries.)

Customer: “What is that around your neck?”

Me: “It’s a Shield of David.”

Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself, wearing that like it’s a real religion.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we are a real religion and still strong numbers wise.”

Customer: “God wiped out all the heathens and gays so stop your lying. You must be mixed. Only mixed hate God.”

Me: “Thank you for shopping with us. Also, Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jew. Please don’t come again.”

(Thankfully, I’m a manager and my supervisor thought it was hilarious.)


Church Of Death

| USA | Religion

(I’ve been hired to do some phone-banking. I’m given a list of names and numbers.)

Me: “Hello, is [Name] there?”

Customer: *pause* “She died last week.”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that…”  *hangs up*

Coworker: “What happened?”

Me: “I just had a very awkward conversation.”

Coworker: “It’ll get better, I promise.”

(I dial the next number.)

Me: “Hello, is [Name] there?”

Customer #2: “What?”

Me: “I’m calling on behalf of—”

Customer #2: “Are you kidding? It’s Sunday! It’s my church day! You can’t do this!” *hangs up*

Me: “Yup, I don’t think it’s getting better…”


Not In Your Nature

| Norway | Religion, Technology

(I work the cash register at a popular electronics store, and sometimes our customers just pick things up from the display that they want to buy. It’s not uncommon. One day an elderly lady approached the counter with a radio in its original packaging.)

Me: “Hi there!”

Customer: “Hello. Can you check to see if everything is in the box?”

Me: “Oh, of course! Did you pick it up from the display?”

(I start checking in the box.)

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Did you pick the radio up from the display? Is that why you wanted me to check?”

Customer: “What’s that supposed to mean?! I can’t control everything; I’m just an old lady! The display… How am I supposed to know that?”

Me: “I guess you didn’t. Well everything is in order here! That’ll be [price].”

Customer: “What batteries does it use?”

Me: “Well, let’s check!”

(I search the box for hints on batteries, but find nothing, and come to the understanding that it doesn’t use batteries, only electricity.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it only uses electricity, not batteries.”

Customer: “But what if I want to listen to it outside? There’s no electricity in God’s free nature!”

Me: “As long as you have a plug nearby or a long enough cord, you’ll be fine.”

Customer: “But there are NO PLUGS IN GOD’S FREE NATURE!”

Me: “That’s why you’ll need the cord. It’ll be just fine.”

Customer: “So I can listen to it outside? Batteries?’

Me: “No batteries, only electricity.”

Customer: “But I’ll be out in GOD’S FREE NATURE!”

Me: “…and that’s gonna work just fine as long as you plug it in.”

Customer: “It’ll work? In God’s nature?”

Me: “It’ll work.”

(The customer came back the next week to return the radio, but she was a lot calmer, and was overjoyed when she got her money back.)


When I Went Down To The Inflatable Pool To Pray…

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Bizarre, Religion

(I am a lifeguard at the beach. For the summer, my bosses install a big inflatable circuit where people try to go through without falling. Of course, all the water around it is reserved for the activity; people need to go further to swim in the lake. During the day, a man all dressed in black is entering the restricted water zone. He’s followed by many women, all dressed in white. They start to sing hymns and pray.)

Me: *on the walkie talkie* “Erm… inflatable lifeguard one to manager.”

Manager: *on the walkie talkie* “Manager tuned.”

Me: *trying really hard to speak, I’m laughing so much* “There… is… a… bap… baptising …in the water…”

Manager: “What? Can you repeat?”

Me: “There is a BAPTISING in the inflatable water.”

Manager: “…”

Me: “They are singing and praying. The preacher is baptising every woman, one by one.”

Manager: “I’m… I’m coming…”

(I see all other lifeguards looking and laughing from their chair. Finally, the manager comes after ten minutes. He just leans on the “Denied Access” notice and looks at them, dumbfounded. They finally leave the water, but not before another woman comes up to me, angry.)

Woman: “Soooo, we can baptise in the beach, now?!”

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