Category: Politics

Like a little more satirical meat on your humor sandwich? Ever wonder what very stupid customers view as topical? Even worse, see what happens when these people decide they want to vote! Don’t blame the state of the world on the government, blame it on them!

Pandering To The Gerrymandering

| Denver, CO, USA | Politics

(I am a volunteer going door to door for the re-election campaign for a local city councilwoman. This is the first election since the district lines have been redrawn and the neighborhood I am in was moved from another district.)

Me: “Hi, I’m with [District One Councilwoman]’s re-election campaign and I was wondering if she could count on your support in the upcoming election.”

Voter: “Sorry, I’m supporting [District Two Councilman]. I think he has been doing a good job.’

Me: “Oh, well, just so you know the districts have moved and you are now in [District One Councilwoman]’s district. They have worked really well together over the years and [District Two Councilman] has endorsed her re-election campaign.”

Voter: “But why am I not in his district anymore? Can you move it back?”

Me: “Um… that really isn’t something I’m in charge of.”

Voter: “Well, you should really think about moving it back.”

Me: “All right… Can we count on your support still?”

Voter: “Hmm, you know, I think I’ll write in [District Two Councilman]’s name so he can be my council person again.”

Me: “That isn’t really how it works, sir. Even if he somehow got the most votes in this district he is running in a different one, and isn’t qualified to represent this district because he lives in district two now.”

Voter: “No, I think it’s a good idea. Even if he doesn’t win he will get the message and move the districts back. Thanks for letting me know I have to write it in!”

(The door shut before I could say anything else.)

The Highs Of The Obama Administration

| Denver, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Politics

(A man and his wife ask about pins (highly collectable for people who like this restaurant). We have a special set of pins that says “5280”.)

Man: “What does the “5280” stand for?”

Me: “Well, you’re in the Mile High City. Do you know how many feet are in a mile?”

Man: “Ah! Yes! You know, we from the coast are much smarter than you here.”

Me: “What?”

Man: “See, with the lack of oxygen here, you just don’t get to be as smart.”

Me: “You do know we build the NASA rockets here, right? We actually have very smart people here.”

Man: “But Obama killed the whole NASA program. He’s bad news.”

Me: “The other guy was just as bad.”

Man: “No—”

Me: *to the wife* “So what pins were you interested in?”

Trumpanomics

| WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Politics

(I work selling insurance at an inbound call center for a well known company. This is set two or so days after the election and I still can’t believe it.)

Me: “All right, miss, your monthly premium for just yourself with be [some ridiculous number in the $600 range].”

Customer: “What? Even though Trump won?!”

(I sit there for a good 10 seconds with dead air, trying to comprehend that statement.)

Me: “Miss, the presidential election has no effect on the premium prices that were set for next year.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Black Friday Is Nothing To Wine About

| Ann Arbor, MI, USA | Holidays, Politics

(I am chatting with a regular customer at the bar. He comes in almost every night and spends a ton of money, usually on expensive wine.)

Me: “So, are you going Black Friday shopping this year?”

Customer: “No. I don’t believe in capitalism.”

| Bentonville, AR, USA | Bizarre, Politics, Religion

(I get this call my first week after being promoted to customer service, and I don’t think it’s going to be an easy one to top.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *it’s obviously an old man by the voice* “I got a complaint for ya!”

Me: “All right, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was out driving the other week, and my truck broke down. I brought it to [Store] to get it fixed. You know what they told me?”

Me: “What did they tell you, sir?”

Customer: “They told me I needed a new car battery! I told them I didn’t want a new car battery. I’ve had this one for SIXTY YEARS, and I want to keep it! Well, they fixed up the truck, I brought it home, popped the hood, and do you know what I found?”

Me: “What, sir?”

Customer: “A new car battery! They STOLE my old one, and I want it back!”

Me: “Um, okay, sir. I can file a complaint for you. What store was this at?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you remember what city it was in?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, was it close to where you live?”

Customer: Yes.”

Me: “Great! What’s your zip code?”

(Silence.)

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I FOUGHT IN VIETNAM!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “I may be old and tired, but I’m not stupid! I figure, if I can’t do anything good for other people, I may as well not have come home at all!”

Me: “Okay. Can I have your zip code, please?”

Customer: “I DO NOT LIKE DONALD TRUMP!”

Me: “…What?”

Customer: “What’s your direct supervisor’s name?”

Me: “Mine? Her name is [Manager #1].”

Customer: “Is she voting for Trump?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Can I have your zip code?”

Customer: “What about you?”

Me: “Sir, I am trying to help you, but I can’t help you if you don’t answer my questions! What is your zip code?”

(Silence.)

Customer: “Now, son, don’t you go acting spoiled with me.”

Me: “Please give me your zip code.”

Customer: “It’s [zip code].”

Me: “Okay, so you live in [City #1, State]? You’ve got two stores in that area. Was the one you went to in [City #2] or [City #3]?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Fine… you went to the one in [City #2]. I’ll get the complaint sent to them. You’ll get a call back in three days. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well… there is one thing. My neighbor bought a TV, but it doesn’t work. I want to get him a refund.”

Me: “I can’t negotiate a refund with you, sir. He’ll have to call in himself.”

Customer: “He can’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I still can’t talk about it with you.

Customer: “Son, the Bible says to honor and to help your neighbor, and I intend to do that!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, it goes against company policy for me to discuss another customer’s money with you.”

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Customer: “That name’s in the Bible! Do you know why you don’t deserve that name?”

Me: *sigh* “Because you don’t like me, sir?”

(Silence.)

Customer: “Get me your manager right now.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Please hold.”

(I put him on hold and dial the manager line. A manager who is not my direct supervisor picks up. I fill her in on what’s happening and she agrees to take over the call.)

Me: “Sir, are you still there? I have [Manager #2] on the line with me.”

Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU SAID HER NAME WAS–”

(And then I hung up on him.)

 

Page 1/1412345...Last