Category: One-Liners

Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

A Block Of Highland(er) Cheese

| Canberra, ACT, Australia | Food & Drink, One-Liners

(I’m on the register late at night when a coworker I vaguely know from another department comes through with his shopping. I scan his items and all is well until I try to scan a block of cut cheese from our deli. The register brings up a warning that it can’t be sold because it is past its use-by date.)

Me: “Sorry; it’s out of date.”

Coworker: “I don’t care.” *he holds his hand out*

(I know that its just going to be thrown out if I waste it and so does he. He is the store butcher, so I look around to check no one is around and just hand him the cheese. I feel I have to be sure though.)

Me: “You’re sure?”

Coworker: “Yep.” *he hides his cheese* “Cheese is always good. Cheese is just milk’s attempt at being immortal.”

A Real Crappy Photoshop Job

| Las Vegas, NV, USA | Crazy Requests, One-Liners, Technology

Customer: “Can you remove this person—” *indicates one child right in the middle of a family photo* “—from this photo? Oh, and be careful, there was a dog taking a fat s*** behind him. If you can see it, remove it, too.”

I Know Better Than To Work Here

| Blaine, MN, USA | One-Liners, Theme Of The Month

(I’m shopping at the local [Largest Retailer in America] just after leaving work elsewhere. I’m not wearing any clothes that look anything like this company’s uniforms. I’m in the bottled water aisle, looking for a particular brand when this happens.)

Customer: *asks something as though I were an employee*

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I don’t work here. I have no idea.”

Customer: “Oh, sorry.”

(I get a thought just as she’s about to head off…)

Me: “Out of curiosity, what made you think I work here?”

Customer: “You just looked like you knew what you were doing.”

Me: *laughs* “I do, and that’s why I don’t work here.”

Butcher Blocked

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bigotry, Food & Drink, One-Liners

(My wife is an apprentice butcher in a local store who also has an incredibly quick wit and this is the exchange I hear between she and an elderly male customer.)

Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher, please?”

Wife: “Yes, I am the butcher. How may I help you?”

Customer: “No, I wanna speak to a butcher. You’re only a counter girl.”

Wife: “I can assure you, sir. I am a butcher.”

Customer: “Oh. I bet you are one of those women that don’t like men, either.”

Wife: “Actually,  I love males. They go great cut up into steaks and marinated in BBQ sauce.”

(The customer turned and rushed out of the store while the other customers burst out laughing.)


| Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

(I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

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