Category: One-Liners

Sometimes, it only takes a single line for a customer to show their true colors!

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Gave It A Good Try

| Baton Rouge, LA, USA | One-Liners, Popular

(A serious-looking gentleman in his forties comes in to pick up a completed car from the shop. I had never interacted with him before, having been off the day he dropped the car off for repairs.)

Me: *looking at file* “It looks like you owe your deductible of $1,000 on the repair. I can process that now for you.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, sir, your insurance advised us they will cover the amount due over the deductible, but I’ll need to collect that from you.”

Customer: *shrugs* “Well, you can try.”

(He doesn’t move to get any money out, and I freeze, as he still looks very serious and I can’t tell if he’s joking. I reply with the first thing that comes to mind.)

Me: “Well, then, I guess you can say you tried to pick up your car?”

(Thankfully the customer bursts out laughing and hands me a debit card.)

Customer: “Good response!”

(He paid his bill and went on his way as happy as could be.)

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Bad Behavior Is On The Cards

| UK | Bad Behavior, One-Liners, Popular

(We have an online system where when you buy online to collect in store. All you need is your card that you bought it with. It is the second line of the email. I know, because I’ve read the automated email a million times, as it is handed to me every day by sensible customers who know how to function properly. I offer my help and diagnose the type of service this man needs and I find his parcel.)

Me: “Do you have the card you purchased the parcel with?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “All right, are you able to get hold of the last four digits of your card number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can’t you contact someone who has access to the card? Or possibly log into an account like Amazon or PayPal, that have those four digits on display?”

Customer: “It’s not my card; it’s my girlfriend’s.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t release the parcel without those last four digits.”

Customer: “What?! That’s my parcel! I’ve paid for it! It has my name on it!”

Me: “I can’t release it without proof of purchase; I’m sorry.”

Customer: “You have to release it because it is mine!”

Me: “I can’t release it.”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know I needed the card?”

Me: “It says in the email sent to you to tell you the parcel has arrived here.”

Customer: “No, it doesn’t!”

Me: “Yes, it does.”

Customer: “I’ll show you it doesn’t!”

Me: “Go for it.”

Customer: *checks his phone to discover that the email DOES in fact state you must bring the card used for purchase* “Oh, for f*** sake! I never read my emails that far down!”

Me: “If you can get those four digits, I can give you your parcel.”

Customer: “No. I want the d*** thing refunded.”

Me: “I still can’t do that without the card.”

Customer: “Then shove it up your f****** a**, then!”

Me: “I can’t do that without the card either.”

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She’s No Shrimping Violet

| Fort Davis, TX, USA | Awesome Workers, Food & Drink, One-Liners, Popular

(I am working as a dishwasher at the town’s nicest restaurant, and after a couple of hours am badly in need of a bathroom break. The toilets are located in another section of the building, and I have to pass the entry in order to get to them. As I am hurrying along my way, an elderly gentleman guest grabs me by the wrist and asks in a very grave tone with a distinct German accent:)

Guest: “Excuse me, miss, but how are the shrimp?”

(Having no idea how to answer that question, I blurt the first answer that comes to mind.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I think they’re dead!”

(Howls of laughter followed me to the restroom…)

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Doesn’t Even Have To Massage The Truth

| Santa Rosa, CA, USA | One-Liners, Popular

(I am working on register at a popular grocery store. I usually make jokes and puns with the customers, partly because it’s fun for the customers, but mostly because it’s fun for me.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “It’s a good day; I just got off work.”

Me: *jokingly* “Oh, just rub it in, why don’t you?”

Customer: “I do; I’m a masseuse.”

Also Forgot His Nuts

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, One-Liners

(I go to the store to get bananas, and nothing else. I pay for the bananas, and start to walk away, forgetting them at the register.)

Cashier: *holds bananas up and calls to me* “Hey! Your bananas!”

Me: “That’s between me and my psychiatrist, thank you very much!”

(We all have a good chuckle as I return for the bananas.)

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