Category: Liars & Scammers

Ever come across a customer that has made you want to call the police? These ones pretty much ensure it. It goes way beyond the realms of shoplifting or threatening behavior. Some of these customers are too stupid even for those…

I Read Can

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(The customer I’m checking out is having an issue swiping her card. After the machine fails to read the stripe for the third time I offer to manually key in the number. Unfortunately I end up slipping up as well due to trying to speedily finish the transaction.)

Customer: “What the heck is taking so long? Can’t you read?”

Me: “I do apologize. My dyslexia usually chooses the worst moments to rear its ugly head.”

Customer: “So you actually can’t read, then? Huh, figures.” *points to a fairly expensive bottle of wine* “You know that’s half off right?”

Me: *reading the price tag* “Erm… I’m sorry, but no it isn’t.”

Customer: “It says right over there!” *points to a sign over the wine section advertising a sale on our local vintages*

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that sign is referring to wines produced in state, which are buy one, get one free. This is an imported vintage so it’s not eligible.”

Customer: “You just said you were dyslexic! That you can’t read!”

Me: “Dyslexic means I sometimes mix up the order of numbers or words, ma’am. What you’re thinking of is ‘illiterate.’”

(The customer silently glared at me as I finally got her card to go through and stormed out grumbling.)

The Gas Leak Isn’t Coming From The Meter

| AR, USA | Liars & Scammers

(I’m an emergency dispatcher at a local natural gas company. We have customers of questionable intelligence that search for suspected gas leaks with lighters or matches. Among our customers are the ones who get shut off for non-payment. I can’t turn an account on if they’re off for non-payment. That’s not an emergency. That’s the end of my job. I take a call on a Friday night.)

Customer: “Y’all shut me off and now I’ve paid so y’all can come back out now; turn me back on.”

Me: *spiel to a tee* “I’m very sorry, sir, but all reconnect orders after non-payment have to be issued by the Customer Service and Billing offices; they are closed at this time, but if you call back after 8 a.m. Monday, they’ll be happy to help you out.”

Customer: “You mean I won’t have gas this weekend?! No, no! Y’all will come out right f***ing now and reconnect this.”

Me: “Sir, I am not customer service; if you continue with this language I can and will hang up. I can’t issue an order to reconnect this service, but if you ca—”

Customer: “Now. I’ve paid the fee for an after-hour service, and it’s after hours.”

Me: “That charge is only applied once the initial payment has been processed and after we have worked that order after-hours. The payment won’t be processed until the office opens again at 8 a.m. on Monday.”

Customer: “So why are you there if you won’t do anything for me?”

Me: “We’re federally mandated to operate this office 24-hours a day. I’m here to dispatch my drivers to emergencies as and when they arise.”

Customer: “I don’t have gas. This is an emergency. I have kids.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we don’t consider disconnection for non-payment an emergency.”

Customer: “Well, what’s an emergency?”

Me: “Any leaks, pressure issues, or damage to our equipment that needs to be addressed immediately.”

(Nearly audible ticking from the customer’s mind.)

Customer: “So if I had a gas leak, y’all would have to come and turn me back on?”

(The answer is an absolute no. The answer is that I dispatch not the usual one, but two different departments to look into something as serious as gas getting through a locked and sealed meter. But if you’re playing this game…)

Me: “Are you telling me you have an odor in your house, sir?”

Customer: *initially hesitant to fully commit* “I have a big, stinking odor that just walked in through the door.”

Me: “An odor of gas in your residence?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(Game on.)

Me: *after well-rehearsed safety spiel* “And I’ll be dispatching my drivers to your address now. We’ll have to remove that meter for testing and make sure your house is safe. All our calls are recorded and any report of gas must be dealt with as quickly and safely as possible.”

Customer: *hangs up*

(I dispatched my 6’4″ bear of a technician and secondary driver to remove the meter. Didn’t hear from him again that night. He got reconnected on Monday… after his payment was processed in the other office as I’d told him. It’s always an emergency if you haven’t paid your bill for ten weeks…)

A True Halloween Horror Story

| Stroudsburg, PA, USA | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers

(I work at a small, family-owned, specialty Halloween store. We help customers with special effects makeup, costumes, and various other items.)

Customer: “How do I use liquid latex and the bruise wheel?”

(I spend 45 minutes explaining exactly how to do the look he was going for while his kids run around the store. When I finish the sample, he takes a picture of it on his phone.)

Customer: “Great! I’m going to go to [Chain Competitor] now! Your prices are way too high!”

Your Request Is Totally Criminal

| England, UK | Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(I work as a freelance editor, including editing CVs and cover letters for jobs. I had a client ask me to improve his CV, “make it sound fancy and good,” as well as to write a cover letter for his applications, primarily for a teaching assistant job. I rewrote almost all of the CV and an impressive cover letter. About two months later I receive a phone call from him.)

Client: “I’d like a refund for the work you did.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what’s wrong?”

Client: “It’s been two months, and I still can’t get a job. The CV and cover letter are s***.”

Me: “You were happy with both when I delivered them, and also it clearly states in the contract that I do not offer refunds and that there is no guarantee of employment.”

Client: “The reason I’m not getting the jobs is because of this s*** you wrote. I want my money back.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how what I wrote would prevent you from getting a job. Are you sure there’s no other reason?”

Client: “No! I even had my brother look over the CV and he said it was s*** and it’s why I wasn’t getting a job. He’s a professional editor too, and he knows this s***.”

Me: “If your brother is a professional, then why did you hire me instead of him?”

Client: “Because he’s busy with a real job, unlike you!”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry, but unless you can prove to me that I somehow voided our contract, I am not giving you a refund.”

Client: “I CAN prove it!”

(The client continued to bug me until I agreed to meet up with him and go through his application form, proving that it was the CV and not him. I watched as he filled in every detail without any worries, until we reached the problem question.)

Me: “Wait, you’ve put that you have a criminal conviction?”

Client: “Oh… yeah… A couple of years ago I got arrested for assault. But it was total bull-s***. She was a lying b****.”

Me: “You’re applying to work in a school with an assault charge. That’ll be why they’re not hiring you.”

Client: “No, because I tell them first.”

Me: “You tell them?”

Client: “Yeah, in the cover letter. I added a note at the end saying that the assault charge was false.”

Me: “But you were found guilty?”

Client: “Yeah, that’s just because my kid said she saw me do it.”

Me: “Okay, it doesn’t matter to the employer whether you claim it to be true or not. You were convicted, you were found guilty, so they take that as truth and won’t hire you to work with children.”

Client: “But it wasn’t true.”

Me: “But the school will believe it is.”

Client: “But I tell them first it ain’t.”

(We went around in circles for a while until I just got up and left. He continued to harass me for a while, and even threatened to sue. Needless to say, nothing ever came of it. As far as I’m aware, he’s had a couple jobs, not in schools thankfully, but lost all of them.)

Scammers Never Take A Holiday

| VA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Popular

Customer: “Hi, can I get [Popular Holiday Beverage]?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that’s only available during the holiday season. Can I get you something else?”

Customer: “Well, since you’re out of what I want, can I get some of those free drink coupons you give out?”

Me: “No, sir, literally no one has [Popular Holiday Beverage] right now. It’s April.”

Customer: *scanning menu board* “What about [Item he thinks sounds obscure]?”

Me: “It’s available in half pounds right here, sir.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I don’t want that. I just hoped you’d give me some coupons ’cause you probably didn’t have it.”

(After he leaves:)

Coworker: “That’s like ordering a pony at McDonald’s, and demanding free stuff because they don’t have it. What the h***?”

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