Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Speaking Plainly

| GA, USA | Language & Words

(I work at a financial institution opening new accounts. I am about to print a debit card for a new customer. We only offer two patterns of card, a simple card with just our logo, and a card with a very detailed picture of an airplane on it.)

Me: “All right, sir. For our cards we have two options: the logo and the airplane. Which do you prefer?” *shows picture of cards*

Customer: “I’ll have the plane.”

Me: “Good choice! That one’s my favorite.”

Customer: “Yeah, anything but that plane one!”

Me: *confused* “Oh, so you did want the logo, not the plane?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want the second one, not the plane one.”

Me: *shows pictures again* “You want this one?” *points at logo*

Customer: “No, I want THAT one.” *points at plane* “The other one is so plain.”

Me: *light-bulb goes off* “So you want the airplane instead of the BORING one!”

Customer: Yeah!

You Can’t Just Squirt That Kind Of Thing Out

| Canada | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I’m making drinks on a typical weekend. The customers waiting for drinks are a pair of fifty-year-old golf buddies just chatting.)

Me: “Your mocha will be ready in just a moment here.”

Customer: “Yah, sure.”

(Having run out of whip cream, a pull a fresh container from my fridge and give it a shake. Typically new containers have some water running down the sides from condensation and this flies off when I shake it. Neither customers nor colleagues tend usually notice.)

Customer #1: *watches this* “Oh, so you’re a squirter?”

Me: *look up with very wide eyes, mid-drink* “Um, pardon me?”

Customer #2: “You can’t say stuff like that!”

Customer #1: “Oh.” *picks up drink and walks off without apology*

Me: *stunned silence*

Couldn’t Be Fur-thur From What She Wanted

| Natick, MA, USA | Crazy Requests, Language & Words

(A frazzled and cold lady comes in late at night looking for a fox fur coat. I work in lingerie so I’m not extremely familiar with furs, but am excited at the potential commission earnings. I read the ticket on a beautiful jacket and it’s 100% fox. I show my customer.)

Customer: *screaming* “THIS IS NOT FOX FUR”

Me: “No, ma’am, it is indeed entirely fox.”

(I assume maybe she doesn’t like the style so I show her another fox jacket.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU! THIS IS NOT FOX FUR! I NEED SOMEONE WITH EXPERIENCE!”

(I turned her over to a coworker in the fur salon thinking maybe I didn’t know as much as I thought. After some bickering back and forth I saw her cashing out and purchasing a beautiful coat. I asked the salesperson who took over what she ended up with. Apparently the customer wanted FAUX fur but was pronouncing it wrong the entire time.)

Would Have Been Prudent To Look That Up Before Asking

| Washington, DC, USA | At The Checkout, Funny Names, Language & Words

(The customer in front of me is paying for her groceries and notices the cashier’s name tag.)

Customer: “Oh, ‘Prudence,’ what a lovely name!”

Cashier: “Thank you, ma’am.”

Customer: “What does it mean?”

Cashier: “It means ‘wisdom’ or ‘good judgment.’”

Customer: “Wonderful! And what language is it?”

Cashier: “Umm… English.”

Third Floor Time Lucky

| China | Language & Words

(I work at the information desk on the second floor of a museum of paleontology. It should be noted that while I am a foreigner, I speak decent Chinese and have been told that I speak very clearly.)

Visitor: “Hello! Is there anything on the third floor?”

Me: “The third floor is mammals.”

Visitor: “But is there anything on the third floor?”

Me: “Yes, it has mammals.”

Visitor: “But does the third floor have anything?”

Me: “Yes.”

Visitor: “Okay!” *walks upstairs*

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