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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

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Has The Balls To Admit It

| Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(It’s a nice day and the patio of a local restaurant is full. I am at a table right next to a woman who is having a not-very-private conversation; the more she talked, the louder she got. Finally, at full volume…)

Woman: “But I can’t testify! I don’t have testiculars!”

(I have to say, if you get enough people snorting their drinks, the distance is impressive. The poor waiter just approached all the tables with a huge stack of napkins while shaking his head.)

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That’s A Wrap!

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

(I work part-time at a popular national chain with quite a few franchises scattered about. We have a variety of meals which you can have made in either a wrap or a roll, for which we specifically ask the customer for when they order. From this particular customer’s actions, I would guess English is not their first language.)

Customer: *holding what appears to be a chicken schnitzel roll* Excuse me! I ordered a roll and you have given me a burger!

(I get my manager over because customer complaints have to be directed to them.)

Manager: “What you have there is a roll; we only serve wraps and rolls; that is the latter.”

Customer: “But this is not a roll! This is a burger! See, it’s made in a bun, not rolled up!” *shows us what it looks like in detail in case we didn’t understand*

Manager: “That isn’t a burger. It is a roll. It is similar but if you asked for a roll and not a wrap then that is what they will make for you.”

Customer: “Don’t pretend like I don’t know how rolls work. See up there?” *points to a wrap on menu* “THAT is what I want, d*** it. I want it ROLLED UP like that!”

Manager: “So, what you want is a wrap…?”

Customer: “NO, I want a ROLL for th—” *the penny drops* “Oh… s***.”

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Kiwidiot

| Australia | Language & Words

(My accent is fairly odd, and I often have people ask me whether I’m from another state or country. Generally I tell them that I am not and they leave it at that. This customer is not so easily convinced.)

Customer: “How long have you lived in the country?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I detect a New Zealand accent. How long have you lived here?”

Me: “I’m not from New Zealand. I was born here. Actually, I’ve never even been out of the country.”

Customer: “Oh, so your parents are New Zealand, then?”

Me: “Well, no, they’re Australian, too.”

Customer: “That’s odd. I guess you must have spent a lot of time around New Zealanders, then. It’s amazing how much of an accent you’ve picked up.”

Me: “No, I don’t really know anyone from New Zealand, sorry.”

Customer: *looking angry* “Well, where did you get that accent, then?”

Me: “This… this is just the way I speak.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I spent ten years in New Zealand as a girl; I know a New Zealand accent when I hear one! You shouldn’t lie to people!”

(She stormed out and I have yet to encounter her again. Three hours later, a new employee asked me if I was English.)

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Chipping Away At Those Cultural Differences

| USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(Some of my extended family from Ireland have come over to the US for a cross-country road trip. My one cousin is obsessed with French fries, which are called “chips” over there.)

Cousin: “Can I have some chips?”

Server: “Oh, I’m sorry we don’t have potato chips.”

Aunt: “He means ‘French fries,’ sorry!”

(Whether he just never clued in or refused to change what he called them, he never said French fries. When they finally get back to the east coast before flying home, we’re having dinner with them when this happens.)

Cousin: “Can I have chips with that?”

Waitress: “Of course!”

(We were thinking the waitress just recognized their accent and knew the difference in terms; turned out when the food arrived, alongside his hamburger was a giant mound of made-on-premises, freshly fried, potato chips! We got a good laugh out of it, and thankfully they were tasty, too!)

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You Obviously Don’t Have An Anime Nose

| Japan | Bizarre, Health & Body, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(I am a European girl working in a bar in Japan that advertises as being international. Foreign staff are often popular with Japanese customers who frequently tell us how “kawaii” (cute) we are. On this occasion I am talking to a couple of slightly drunk Japanese girls.)

Customer: “Aaaaaaah, you’re so cute!”

Me: *smiling, since we get this a lot* “Thank you.”

Customer: “Ah, you’re so cute! It’s because your face is small and you have a nose!”

Me: “Thank you…?”

(Apparently having a nose is somehow exciting!)

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