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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Bust A Gut Laughing

| OK, USA | Language & Words, Technology

(I do a lot of support for products I sell online via direct chat in text. Often google translate is used by customers. Unfortunately, my customer doesn’t know I speak Spanish and begins to rely on the translator. Please note that ‘tenía’ is past tense for ‘I have’ and ‘tenia’ means ‘tapeworm.’)

Me. “Ah, it appears that you unlinked the product. That’s okay; I’ll send you a new one.”

Customer: “Ah, tapeworm is my culpa!”

(My friends and I now use that for ‘my bad.’)

All Manner Of Meat With No Manners

| CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top, Wild & Unruly

(A customer approaches the deli just as I’m about to shut down the department to clean it. She takes a number and spends the next few minutes looking over the meat selections.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Uh, yes… I would like half a pound of pastrami, please.”

Me: “Sure thing!”

(I slice her order and hand it to her. She thanks me and looks at the package. Just as she’s about to turn to leave, she looks at the package.)

Customer: “Excuse me! But this isn’t what I f****** ordered you stupid piece of s***!”

Me: “Ma’am, you asked for pastrami and that’s what I cut for you.”

Customer: *scoffs* “Well, that’s not what this is!” *points at the glass case*

Me: “Are you pointing at the pastrami?”

Customer: “Yes, I am, you dumb a**hole! You should be able to f***** see that!”

Me: “Actually, I can’t. One moment.”

(I walk around the counter to where she’s standing.)

Customer: “See, this is what I want.”

Me: *sigh* “Ma’am, that’s not pastrami you’re pointing at. It’s salami. It clearly says it on the wrapping and on the sign under the product.”

Customer: “I know that, you f****** idiot!”

Me: “If you know that, then why did you ask for pastrami? They’re not even close to being the same product. In fact they’re in different color wrapping.”

Customer: “Hey, stop being an a**hole and give me what I want! You’re making this more difficult than it has to be and you’re wasting my time!”

Me: “Sure, hold on. Please be advised that you are the one that placed the wrong order which is prolonging your stay here.”

Customer: “I don’t f****** care! Hurry up and finish my order!”

(I quickly slice her order as the deli is now closed and I want to go home.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am.”

Customer: “Thank you. Was that so f***** hard?”

Me: “Yes, it was about as hard as reading a sign that says salami and confusing it with pastrami.”

Doesn’t Speak (Or Hear) French

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Books & Reading, Language & Words

(I work in a library which serves mostly English-speaking patrons, but also French-speaking patrons, too. As such, the library uses both a French and English name. I receive a call from a number with an area code that I do not recognize, but is somewhat similar to the library’s area code.)

Me: “Bibliothèque Publique de [City]. Public Library. How may I help you?”

Patron: “Yes, I received a notice that my books are late. I would like to renew them.”

Me: “Certainly. May I have your last name?”

Patron: “It’s [Last Name].”

Me: “Thank you.”

(I pull up the list of our patrons with the last name in question.)

Me: “What is your first name, please?”

Patron: “It’s [First Name].”

Me: *checking the list* “I’m afraid I can’t find that name on my list. Did you perhaps register your membership under a different first name, or were you using someone else’s card?”

Patron: *a little annoyed* “No. I used my card, and my name is [Name].”

(We go back and forth for a moment, before I ask…)

Me: *hesitant* “Ma’am, are you sure you are calling the right library?”

Patron: *a little offended by my suggestion* “Well, I am calling the library in [City], [US State]?!”

Me: “No, ma’am. You called [City], Quebec, Canada.”

Patron: “…”

(She said goodbye and hung up. I’m not sure how all the French and the different area code failed to clue her in! I’m also curious how much the long distance call cost her!)