Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

A Problem Customer

| USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

(A customer is trying things on in the fitting room while I refold items to go back to the floor.)

Customer: “The large is a little too big on me. Can you get a size medium for me?”

Me: “Oh, that’s no problem at all! I actually have a size medium in the same dress on the rack right here.”

(I go to hand her the dress, but she has a sour look on her face, and demands to see my manager. I page the manager, not knowing why.)

Customer: *to Manager* “I asked her for another size and she said it’s ‘no problem’! She implied it was a PROBLEM to do her job. I demand she be fired! There was no problem; she just had to do her job.”

Me: *to Manager* “I just meant that it was especially easy to help her because I already had the dress at hand. That’s all.”

Manager: “Okay, sounds like this was just a difference in language…”

Customer: “No! I’m not going to be insulted like this! Doing your job is not a PROBLEM! You are ALL spoiled and rude! This is your job! Not a PROBLEM. Your corporate office will hear about this! You will ALL be fired!”

(She dumps a stack of freshly folded shirts on the floor on the way out. While I am picking them up, I overhear my manager on the phone with our district manager.)

Manager: “I just wanted to forewarn you that you may get a phone call from a PROBLEM customer…”

They Have An Immuno-Deficiency

| Green Bay, WI, USA | Language & Words

(I work in a major health insurance call center, and receive a call about getting vaccines in pharmacies. I have told him that some pharmacies are able to send the claim to us directly, but others he will have to pay himself and mail us the claim. There is no rhyme or reason for it; each pharmacy is set up differently.)

Customer: “When I talk to the pharmacy, how do they have to be set up?”

Me: “They just need to be set up to send us the bill automatically.”

Customer: “NO! You said a word! Munual, manicle…” *rambles off a bunch of random words, some made-up, beginning with ‘M’*

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I don’t remember naming a specific system, because there isn’t a name for it. They just need to have the ability.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you don’t remember saying it, four-five times, just a couple minutes ago?” *keeps rambling ‘m’ words*

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really don’t. Was the word ‘manual’ maybe? You’d have to file a manual claim—”

Customer: *interrupting* “NO!” *keeps rambling ‘m’ words* “Munizate…”

Me: “Immunization?”

Customer: “YES, that one! They have to have immunization computers?”

Me: “Sir, ‘immunization’ is just another word for ‘vaccination.'”

Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t use such fancy words. I don’t know what they mean!”

Sounds Like A Flavor Of Another Green Thing That Comes In A Bag

, | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

Customer: “I’m looking for some chips my wife asked me to get.”

Me: “Sure, what kind?”

Customer: “She said ‘pixie conifer.’”

Me: “Sorry… what?”

Customer: “Pixie conifer. In a green bag.”

Me: “I’ve… never heard of anything like that.”

Customer: “Well, she used to work with trees. That might have something to do with it.”

Me: “Hang on, let me check here…”

(I pull out my phone and Google ‘pixie conifer’ just to see if anything comes up. Unsurprisingly, nothing.)

Me: “You said ‘pixie’, right? Like a fairy?”

Customer: “Yeah. Pixie Conifer. Green bag.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ve never heard of such a thing. All of our chips are on those shelves if you want to look, but that’s a new one to me.”

Customer: “Hang on.”

(He pulls out his phone and dials, wandering off so I can’t hear his end of it.)

Customer: “All right, I talked to her. She wants ‘pickle vinegar.’”

Me: “Thaaat makes more sense. Right over here…”

That’s A Completely Different Function

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Technology

(I am working nights at a help desk for hotel guests that need assistance connecting to WiFi. The customer can’t get online because the laptop’s WiFi is off. I calmly try directing their attention to the FN key (function key) + the key with WiFi signal on it (F6).)

Me: “To enable WiFi simple press and hold the FN key Then tap F6.”

Customer: “Don’t get impatient with me, sir.”

Me: “Oh, I’m not; just letting you know how to turn on your WiFi.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your supervisor!”

Me: “Okay… I can help if you would simply press the—”

Customer: “Supervisor!”

Me: “Okay, one moment…”

Supervisor: “This is [Supervisor]. How can I help?

Customer: “Your tech is being rude and telling me to press the FN key over and over. It’s unprofessional!”

Supervisor: “Do you see the space bar?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Supervisor: “Look three keys to the left; what does it read?”

Customer: “Oh, my god, I thought he was telling me to press the ‘effin’ key! I’m so sorry.”

Wants To Have An Angry Word With You

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

Customer: *walks in and announces to the shop at large* “Kites.”

Employee: “Serendipity.”

Customer: *frowns* “KITES.”

Employee: “Definitely.” *points to kites*

Customer: “KITES!”

Employee: “Kites!” *picks up kite and holds it out to customer*

Customer: “LOOK, YOU F****** R*****, I WANT F****** KITES! IS THAT SO F****** DIFFICULT?!”

Employee: “Gosh, sorry. I assumed English wasn’t your first language since you were just saying the one word over and over. We have kites. Here is a kite.”

Customer: “Kites?”

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