Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!


Balls To The Walls Crazy

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work for a luxury furniture company that has recently featured giant faux-fur covered pilates balls. A woman in her mid-forties runs into the store with a clearly abnormal level of excitement about the product.)

Woman: “I just came in to touch your balls. Oh! They’re so soft, I could just sit on them naked. They look like dirty snowballs. I want a dirty snowball so bad.”


Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Are You Talking About?

, | Birmingham, England, UK | Language & Words

(A user wanted a simple password change on their account.)

Me: “Right, I have changed your password to the word ‘RED.’”

User: “Red?”

Me: “Yes. Romeo. Echo. Delta.”

User: “Hang on, I get to the ‘h’ in Echo and it won’t let me enter any more characters.”

Me: “I am using the phonetic alphabet to spell out red to you.”

User: “So what do I put now?”

Me: “Just put the colour red.”

User: ‘The colour red’ doesn’t work.”

Me: “Just type the word red. R-E-D.”

User: “I’m in now. You should have just said that instead of Echo Delta Colours! Thanks!”


Trying To Work Out Which Is More Tragic

| TAS, Australia | Language & Words

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “My landlord died this morning!”

Me: “Oh, I’m very sorry to hear—”

Customer: “LandLINE! My landline died this morning!”

Me: “Ah, I see! Home phones are right this way.”


Screened For Bad Language

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Language & Words, Popular, Technology

(I’m the bad guy here. This happens in a science museum in Edinburgh that’s quite interactive and popular for young children, which I visit with my fiancée. We approach a large screen with an animated palaeontologist character standing idly. I look up and see a small sensor above the screen, and a marked floor area, and realise it’s an interactive display. It’s the middle of the week and we are the only ones in the exhibit.)

Display: “Hi there, are you having fun today?”

Me: “F*** off, witch.”

(I turn to walk on.)

Display: “Well, that was unexpected.”

(We stop and look back.)

Me: “What?”

Display: “I’ve never had anyone swear at me before!”

(Actually panicking now.)

Me: “Wait, you’re REAL?”

Display: “Yep, and quite surprised!”

(Turned out there was a staff member assigned to the screen and the sensor was a camera. She was quite forgiving and informative, but it was quite funny watching as people behind us ignored the screen and she started throwing sarcastic comments out to try and get their attention!)


Will Not Be Held Accountable For Their Account

| New Windsor, NY, USA | Language & Words

(I call up next member in line.)

Me: “How can I help you today sir?”

(The member does not look up or reply, just throws ID and a check onto counter.)

Me: “What are we looking to do with the check today, sir?”

Member: “Balances after.”

Me: “I’d be happy to provide balance information… but what are we doing with the check today?”

Member: “Deposit and cash.”

Me: “Okay, how much would we like to deposit today?”

Member: “Cash deposit.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what you’re asking to do. Would you like to cash the check or deposit today?”

Member: “Deposit cash check.”

Me: “I can either give you cash for the check, or I can put the check into your account. I just need to know what you would like to do today?”

Member: “Oh, put it in my account.”

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