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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Read You Loud And Unclear

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Language & Words

(One of my coworkers is a quiet, well-spoken man normally, but has an astonishingly loud voice if he wants to shout. My manager is also the shop owner, has a great sense of humor, and likes to let him use that voice in situations.)

Customer: “A carton of [Brand] cigarettes, please.”

Coworker: “Yes, sir. What kind?”

Customer: “[Brand].”

Coworker: “Yes, sir. Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: “[BRAND]!”

Coworker: *just as loud* “Yes, sir. Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: *as loud as he can shout* “[BRAND]!”

Coworker: *louder than the customer; painful to the ears* “YES, SIR! TWENTIES, THIRTIES, MILD, MENTHOL, FILTERED OR PLAIN?!”

(The customer turns pale, and takes a step back.)

Customer: *normal voice* “Er, um, sorry. What?”

Coworker: *normal voice*  “Twenties, thirties, mild menthol, filtered or plain?”

Customer: “Oh. Twenties, filtered, plain. Thanks.”

(The customer paid, and then left, turning back, looking, and shaking his head in disbelief.)

In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

| Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal & Illegal, Language & Words

(The phone rings.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

(She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

(He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD police officer.)

Police Officer: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

Police Officer: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

(The cashier explains. The police officer orders a slice of pizza, and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

Police Officer: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

(They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

Customer: “Problem solved?”

Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

Police Officer: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

Police Officer: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

See this story as a comic!

A Mixed Bag

| USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Language & Words

Coworker: “Paper or plastic?”

Customer: I don’t care. I’m bi. I like it both ways.”