Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!


Will Take A Bullet For This Job

| USA | Funny Names, Language & Words

(It is a fairly steady night, as two ladies walk up to me while I am between transactions.)

Lady #1: “Where are your Russian roulette tables?”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Lady #1: “You know Russian roulette? We heard you have it and she—” *indicating the other lady* “—wants to play.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you mean roulette. Russian roulette is, well, a bit different.”

Lady #1: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, Russian roulette is played with a revolver.”

Lady #1: *finally realizing what she said* “Oh, my goodness!” *she starts laughing a bit*

Lady #2: “Well, do you have Russian roulette or not?”

Me: “Right this way, ladies.”


Not Going To Slug It Out With You

| Melton Mowbray, England, UK | Home Improvement, Language & Words, Popular

(I am the customer in this story. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and have nipped out to get slug killer after finding slugs in the garden. I pick up two large containers and a bottle of ant killer too. I am a small female. Upon going to the checkout…)

Till Lady: “Good morning, how are you?”

Me: *calmly* “I’m going on a murderous rampage.”

Till Lady: *eyes go wide*

Me: “In my garden. Slugs and ants can suck it today!”

Till Lady: *pause* “Do you want a bag?”

(Sorry for scaring you!)


Arrested For J-Writing

, | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Popular

Me: “All right, sir. If I could have your first and last name for the receipt?”

Customer: “Fred [Last Name].”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know how to spell that. Could you please spell it out for me?”

Customer: “J, E—”

Me: *writes JE*

Customer: “No, ‘J.'”

Me: *looks at receipt*

Customer: “No! It’s a ‘J!'”

Me: “Umm… This is a ‘J,’ sir.”

Customer: “No, you stupid girl. ‘J’ as in green!”

Me: *sighs* “Oh, you meant a ‘G.'” *finishes writing the receipt*

Customer: “You shouldn’t work here if you don’t know the alphabet.”

Me: “Have a nice day.”


She Hears Literally Everything

| Fort Wayne, IN, USA | Language & Words, Popular

(I am a driver for a ride-sharing service. On this evening, I pick up a young lady from one bar and I’m driving her to another bar. On the way, she calls a friend to come join her, but they apparently want to stay home.)

Rider: “What are you just sitting at home for?! Come on! You’re killing me! I’m literally dying inside!”

Me: *mumbling quietly to myself* “No, you’re figuratively dying inside.”

Rider: *to me* “Figuratively! Yes! Thank you, driver!” *into phone* “I’m FIGURATIVELY dying inside!”


Can’t Lettuce Know What You Mean

| Wales, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Popular

(I am a customer standing in line behind two 16/17-year-old girls.)

Server: “And what salad would you like on that?” *gestures to the huge assortment of vegetables in front of her*

Girl #1: “Salad.”

Server: “Er… yes, but what salad?”

Girl #1: *rolls her eyes* “SAAAALLLLAAAAADDDDD!!!!”

Server: *seemed a bit confused and intimidated by the attitude*

Girl #2 “She just wants f****** salad, you idiot. Just give her her f****** SALAD!”

Girl #1: *points* “SALAD!”

Server: “Oh, you mean lettuce?”

Girl #1: “Yeah, whatever. Just salad, f******* h***!”

Me: “Well to be fair, the entire bar is filled with about 20 different items of salad ingredients. If you don’t know the word for lettuce, that’s your fault, not hers. Just pay for your food, and consider this a learning experience, yeah?”

(Girl #1 & Girl #2 walked out, grumbling and swearing. The server and I shared a “WTF” moment as they left, and I finally got my food!)

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