Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

For Go The Pleasantries

| Chicago, IL, USA | Language & Words

(I’m ordering food at a restaurant where you order at a counter, get food, and sit down. I’m finishing ordering.)

Employee: “Would you like it for here or to go?”

Me: “For go. Wait no to here. Sorry, I screwed up; I meant for here.”

(My friend, who is next to me, bursts out laughing. The employee is chuckling, trying not to laugh.)

Employee: “Okay, for go.”

(He finishes making my food, and I walk away, sit down and realize I forgot a fork and knife for my deep dish pizza. I walk back to the counter.)

Employee: “Did you actually want it to here?”

That’s Not The Way To Get Their Number

| Rocklin, CA, USA | Health & Body, Language & Words

(I’m typing in a patient’s vitals in the exam room and have just asked her to rate her pain on a 1-10 scale.)

Patient: “Well, it feels kinda like someone took a piece of rebar and shoved it in my hip from here all the way to here.”

(As she was speaking, she had come over to where I was standing at the computer, and ran her finger firmly down my butt to my calf! I was too surprised to move and she clearly didn’t intend anything by it, but it’s a lot more intimate than I usually get with patients! And she never did give me a number. That was all I wanted.)

Bin There, Done That

| Wales, UK | Bizarre, Language & Words

(One of many things we do is help with the management of refuse and recycling facilities for local residents. The county is a popular retirement destination and most of our callers are elderly. Unfortunately this means we get a high volume of calls where we just can’t help people because no matter how hard we try, we cannot coax their requests out of them:)

Me: “Bore da, good morning, [Local Government].”

Elderly Caller: “BINS!”

Me: “You’ve got a query about your refuse or recycling?”

Elderly Caller: “BINS!”

Me: “Have you missed a collection? Would you like me to send some staff over to come and help empty your bins?”

Elderly Caller: “BINS!”

Me: “Was it that you needed a replacement bin? Did one of your bins get broken?”

Elderly Caller: “NUHHH. BINS. MY BINS!”

Me: “I’d like to know how I can help you with your bins, sir. Do you know your address? Or is there somebody in the room who can help you with your call? I really want to help you if I can.”

Elderly Caller: “BIIIIIINNNSSSSS! BINS! MY BINS! BIII-I-I-I-I-NNNNSSSSS!”

(I heard the phone clatter to the table or floor and the line went dead shortly thereafter. I have set up regular direct debits to dementia charities since I started working here. We get several calls like that every day and I always wish I could do more! I especially wish we had 999-style call location technology so we could trace calls and call people back who’ve hung up on us by mistake. Maybe one day…)

Clustered You All Together

| Tukwila, WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am the customer. My friends and coworkers head to our favorite bar. It is Geek Culture themed, and though the staff are a little unorthodox, it feels comfortable being there. Our party reaches to 20+ people. When the bill comes, it is revealed that a mistake had been made and we are all on the same tab.)

Me: “Uh oh.”

Friend: “Yeah, we’re a real cluster-f*** here.”

Server: “No worries, man.”

(He proceeds to tally what each of us had and supplies the bill up for each of us. When looking at the receipt the tab name reads: Cluster F*** in ‘da thirties.)

Friend: *laughing* “Gee, I wonder how they feel about us?”

Me: *laughing harder* “Hey, you said it.”

Only One A**-Hole Here

| Marina, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

Me: “Good morning, sir. Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: *grumpy* “I couldn’t find [Obscure Movie].”

Me: “Well, I don’t have access to our inventory system at the cash register, but if you’d like to head over to customer service, they’ll be able to help you.”

Customer: “Well, can you radio over to those a**-holes to see if they have it?”

(I wanted to help him, but at this point, he loses me.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but there is a line at customer service, so I can’t radio over and have you jump the other customers.”

Customer: *angry now* “Well then get one of those a**-holes on the sales floor to find it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but here at [Store], we don’t hire a**-holes. If you’d like, though, I can find a sales associate to help you.”

(The customer proceeded to turn bright red, slam the stuff he was going to buy on the counter, and storm out.)

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