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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Doesn’t Quite Swear By That DVD Player

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Language & Words

(I work at a store that doesn’t do refunds. If a customer wants to return an item, we can only offer to exchange it for the exact same item, or give store credit to put towards a new purchase.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this DVD player. It no longer works.”

Me: “Sure. Would you like to do a straight exchange, or would you like a store credit?”

Customer: “Straight exchange, please. I really like this DVD player, and I’d really like another one like it.”

Me: “All right, just let me see if we have any in stock.”

(I do a search on my computer, and we show zero in stock. I even check with the stockroom staff to verify this.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid to say this, but we no longer have this DVD player in stock.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I’m absolutely sure. There aren’t any on the shelves, the computer says we have zero, and there aren’t any in the back. We’re all tapped out, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “Aw, s***!”

(Both the customer and I notice that there’s a small child next to us, and he heard the whole thing.)

Customer: “Uh, I mean poo-poo caca. Aw, poo-poo caca, I can’t believe you ran out of my favorite DVD player. Can you check to see if any other locations might still have it? I’m sorry to ask you this, but I really like this DVD player.”

Me: “Sure thing. Which location is the nearest to you?”

Customer: “Can you try [Location #1]?”

Me: “Certainly.”

(I dial the number to Location #1 to make my inquiry.)

Me: “I just got off the phone with [Location #1]. They don’t have it either.”

Customer: “Poo-poo caca. Can you try [Location #2]?”

(I phone up Location #2.)

Me: “They don’t have it either.”

Customer: “Aw, poo-poo caca. Can you try [Location #3]?”

Me: “Okay…”

(This went on for four more locations, and they all don’t have the very specific DVD player that my customer is looking for. Every time I told him the bad news, he responded with “poo-poo caca.”)

Totally Estúpido, Part 2

, , | Cleveland, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

(I have a Hispanic name, but was born in raised in the United States; therefore, I have no accent. The phone rings and I’m the closest so I go to pick it up.)

Me: “Having a great day at [Restaurant]. This is [Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Customer: *beep*

Me: “Hello?”

Customer: *beep*

Me: *I try one more time before hanging up*

Customer: “English.”

Me: *in an overly enthusiastic voice* “Having a great day at [Restaurant]. This is [Non-Hispanic Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, that’s better. I think I got the Spanish line when I first called.”

My Apple Has No Vegetables

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

Me: “Good morning, this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to talk to [Assistant, who is at lunch].”

Me: “I’m sorry, he is not available at the moment. Is there something I can help you with?”

Customer: *gives me a very long-winded account of what I assume was an extremely long conversation she had with the assistant the day before* “So I need him to do whatever he was going to do so I can get to my stuff.”

Me: “Okay, if [Assistant] has already discussed this with you then they will know where we are in the process and they can assist you when they return from lunch in about an hour.”

Customer: “So will you ask him to send me an email so I can send him an email back explaining all this?”

Me: “Would you like our email address so you can send him an email? That way he will see it as soon as he gets back and we can get you what you need more quickly.”

Customer: “No. I know your email address, but I just can’t use it.”

Me: “I’m sorry; you cannot use our email address?”

Customer: “Yeah. It doesn’t work or I don’t have all the right buttons or something.”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean when you say you don’t have the right buttons…”

Customer: “I just got a new computer and I don’t think it has a reply button or at least I haven’t found it yet.”

Me: “The reply button should be on the screen when you are logged in to your email, not on the machine itself. What kind of email are you using?”

Customer: “Just regular email.”

Me: “I mean, are you using Gmail, Outlook, Yahoo—”

Customer: “OH. I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, what is your email address? A lot of times the part after the ‘at’ is the type of email.”

Customer: “My email address is CARROT-A-B-C-A WITH A CIRCLE AROUND IT…”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say carrot?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So your address is C-A-R-R…”

Customer: “No. Not spelled out. Just a carrot.”

Me: “Like, the vegetable?”

Customer: “Yes. There is a carrot at the beginning and at the end.”

Me: “I have never heard of a carrot in an email address. Could it possibly be a V or another symbol?”

Customer: “No. I know what the letter V looks like!”

Me: “Okay, but I cannot send you an email to an address with ‘carrots’ in it because there is no key that I can hit to make a carrot show up in the address bar.”

Customer: “So your computer doesn’t have all the buttons either, huh?”

Me: “No, ma’am, my computer does not have a carrot button.”

Customer: “Well, then I guess I’ll just have to call back and talk to [Assistant].”

Me: “That sounds good. Have a nice day.”

(Later, as I was telling this story to the assistant, I pulled up an email that we had sent to this customer and figured out what she was talking about. The email address showed up inside < > brackets, which she was referring to as carrots.)