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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

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Feeling Very Sorry For Hugh

| USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

(I’m putting back returns when an older man walks towards me.)

Customer: “Hi, any chance you can help me find some hugh-mass?”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure… Oh, you mean hummus?”

Customer: “No, no, I don’t want hummus. I want hugh-mass! It’s like a dip.”

Me: “Um… yeah. I’ll show you where it is.”

(I take him over to where the hummus is.)

Customer: “Ah, here it is! My wife’s been looking for hugh-mass for weeks! Thank you.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “No problem, sir.”

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I Read Can

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(The customer I’m checking out is having an issue swiping her card. After the machine fails to read the stripe for the third time I offer to manually key in the number. Unfortunately I end up slipping up as well due to trying to speedily finish the transaction.)

Customer: “What the heck is taking so long? Can’t you read?”

Me: “I do apologize. My dyslexia usually chooses the worst moments to rear its ugly head.”

Customer: “So you actually can’t read, then? Huh, figures.” *points to a fairly expensive bottle of wine* “You know that’s half off right?”

Me: *reading the price tag* “Erm… I’m sorry, but no it isn’t.”

Customer: “It says right over there!” *points to a sign over the wine section advertising a sale on our local vintages*

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that sign is referring to wines produced in state, which are buy one, get one free. This is an imported vintage so it’s not eligible.”

Customer: “You just said you were dyslexic! That you can’t read!”

Me: “Dyslexic means I sometimes mix up the order of numbers or words, ma’am. What you’re thinking of is ‘illiterate.’”

(The customer silently glared at me as I finally got her card to go through and stormed out grumbling.)

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Will Take A Bullet For This Job

| USA | Funny Names, Language & Words

(It is a fairly steady night, as two ladies walk up to me while I am between transactions.)

Lady #1: “Where are your Russian roulette tables?”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Lady #1: “You know Russian roulette? We heard you have it and she—” *indicating the other lady* “—wants to play.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you mean roulette. Russian roulette is, well, a bit different.”

Lady #1: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, Russian roulette is played with a revolver.”

Lady #1: *finally realizing what she said* “Oh, my goodness!” *she starts laughing a bit*

Lady #2: “Well, do you have Russian roulette or not?”

Me: “Right this way, ladies.”

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Not Going To Slug It Out With You

| Melton Mowbray, England, UK | Home Improvement, Language & Words, Popular

(I am the customer in this story. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and have nipped out to get slug killer after finding slugs in the garden. I pick up two large containers and a bottle of ant killer too. I am a small female. Upon going to the checkout…)

Till Lady: “Good morning, how are you?”

Me: *calmly* “I’m going on a murderous rampage.”

Till Lady: *eyes go wide*

Me: “In my garden. Slugs and ants can suck it today!”

Till Lady: *pause* “Do you want a bag?”

(Sorry for scaring you!)

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Arrested For J-Writing

, | CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Popular

Me: “All right, sir. If I could have your first and last name for the receipt?”

Customer: “Fred [Last Name].”

Me: “Oh, I don’t know how to spell that. Could you please spell it out for me?”

Customer: “J, E—”

Me: *writes JE*

Customer: “No, ‘J.'”

Me: *looks at receipt*

Customer: “No! It’s a ‘J!'”

Me: “Umm… This is a ‘J,’ sir.”

Customer: “No, you stupid girl. ‘J’ as in green!”

Me: *sighs* “Oh, you meant a ‘G.'” *finishes writing the receipt*

Customer: “You shouldn’t work here if you don’t know the alphabet.”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

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