Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!


Me No Speak Estupido

| San Diego, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Language & Words

Me: “Good morning, [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, [My Name]. How are you?”

Me: “I’m well, and yourself?”

Customer: “Oh, my god, and you speak English properly! I’m doing amazing, thank you!”

Me: “…”


Wait Until You’re 21 Tall

| NY, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

(This is my third year as a lifeguard at the local town pool. I am currently up on the stand overlooking the dive tank, which is 13 feet deep. A young boy, no more than six years old, walks up to me and this conversation ensues.)

Young Boy: “Mister?”

Me: “Hi, buddy, can I help you?”

Young Boy: “How deep is this?”

Me: “It’s 13 feet deep.”

Young Boy: “How deep is 13 feet?”

(We actually get this question a lot, so I usually compare it to the person’s height to give them a frame of reference.)

Me: “How tall are you?”

Young Boy: *after a couple seconds of intense thought* “Eight.”

Me: “You’re eight tall?”

Young Boy: *after a couple more seconds of intense thought* “Sometimes.”

Me: “Okay. You can’t stand in the water.”

Young Boy: “Oh, okay.” *walks away*


Some Customers Just Need A Hug

, | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Language & Words

(The idiot in this case is myself.)

Vet Clinic: “Is this an emergency or can you hold?”

Me: *flustered because I was expecting the standard ‘Can I help you’ greeting, and realizing I was in trouble halfway through* “Sure, you can hold… me.”


Feeling Very Sorry For Hugh

| USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

(I’m putting back returns when an older man walks towards me.)

Customer: “Hi, any chance you can help me find some hugh-mass?”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure… Oh, you mean hummus?”

Customer: “No, no, I don’t want hummus. I want hugh-mass! It’s like a dip.”

Me: “Um… yeah. I’ll show you where it is.”

(I take him over to where the hummus is.)

Customer: “Ah, here it is! My wife’s been looking for hugh-mass for weeks! Thank you.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “No problem, sir.”


I Read Can

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(The customer I’m checking out is having an issue swiping her card. After the machine fails to read the stripe for the third time I offer to manually key in the number. Unfortunately I end up slipping up as well due to trying to speedily finish the transaction.)

Customer: “What the heck is taking so long? Can’t you read?”

Me: “I do apologize. My dyslexia usually chooses the worst moments to rear its ugly head.”

Customer: “So you actually can’t read, then? Huh, figures.” *points to a fairly expensive bottle of wine* “You know that’s half off right?”

Me: *reading the price tag* “Erm… I’m sorry, but no it isn’t.”

Customer: “It says right over there!” *points to a sign over the wine section advertising a sale on our local vintages*

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that sign is referring to wines produced in state, which are buy one, get one free. This is an imported vintage so it’s not eligible.”

Customer: “You just said you were dyslexic! That you can’t read!”

Me: “Dyslexic means I sometimes mix up the order of numbers or words, ma’am. What you’re thinking of is ‘illiterate.’”

(The customer silently glared at me as I finally got her card to go through and stormed out grumbling.)

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