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Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

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Can’t Lettuce Know What You Mean

| Wales, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Popular

(I am a customer standing in line behind two 16/17-year-old girls.)

Server: “And what salad would you like on that?” *gestures to the huge assortment of vegetables in front of her*

Girl #1: “Salad.”

Server: “Er… yes, but what salad?”

Girl #1: *rolls her eyes* “SAAAALLLLAAAAADDDDD!!!!”

Server: *seemed a bit confused and intimidated by the attitude*

Girl #2 “She just wants f****** salad, you idiot. Just give her her f****** SALAD!”

Girl #1: *points* “SALAD!”

Server: “Oh, you mean lettuce?”

Girl #1: “Yeah, whatever. Just salad, f******* h***!”

Me: “Well to be fair, the entire bar is filled with about 20 different items of salad ingredients. If you don’t know the word for lettuce, that’s your fault, not hers. Just pay for your food, and consider this a learning experience, yeah?”

(Girl #1 & Girl #2 walked out, grumbling and swearing. The server and I shared a “WTF” moment as they left, and I finally got my food!)

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In Soviet Russia… I Still Can’t Speak Chinese

| CT, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

(I’m multiethnic and have a unique look. This usually prompts questions from strangers. This time I’m at a salon and the inquirer is a fellow patron, about 18 years old.)

Patron: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I was born in Ukraine. Dad is from Central African Republic. Mom is from Russia.”

Patron: “Africa? Russia? Where’s Russia? Is that in China?”

Me: *politely* “Erm, no. It’s in– ”

Patron: “So, can your mom, like, speak fluent Russian?”

Me: “Yep, so can I.”

Patron: “You can speak Russian? Tell me something!”

Me: *Says ’nice to meet you’ in Russian*

Patron: “Oooh! Hey, Ma, she just said something to me in Russian. Wait, so does that mean, like, you can understand Chinese?”

Me: *politely* “Erm, no.”

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Turning Cursing Into A Blessing

| MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Popular

(This takes place as I answer the phone.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Jewelry Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “God d***, f******…!”

(This stream of cursing goes on for a couple seconds as it is evident that the customer has not realized I answered the phone.)

Me: “Hello? How may I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, God, did you just hear all of that?! I am so sorry! You shouldn’t have heard that. I didn’t realize you had picked up the phone! What’s your name, ma’am?”

Me: “It’s [My Name], sir, and it’s okay! I’ve heard it all before.”

Customer: “However, I am still sorry. I shouldn’t have been cursing.”

(I direct his call and about a week passes. I am at work when I hear a customer ask if I was in today, and he is carrying a huge bouquet of flowers.)

Customer: “Here you go, ma’am. I am so sorry you had to hear that. A gentleman should never curse in front of a lady. Please accept these flowers as my apology.”

(The flowers were beautiful, whoever you are! Thank you for making my week!)