Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

My Day Would Be Better If You’d Speak Up!

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words

(I work at a large sandwich chain. In our particular store, the back of the line is really loud, and I’m slightly hard of hearing. Usually customers are gracious about me asking them to repeat themselves and speak a little louder and enunciate so that I can understand them, but sometimes they don’t.)

Me: “What can I get you for veggies on your sandwich?”

Customer: *something I can’t quite understand*

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: *something I still can’t understand*

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *something I still can’t understand, not speaking up or enunciating at all*

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: *looking at the person behind him with a ‘can you believe this dips***?’ expression* “For the fourth time, how was your day?”

Just Took A Ride On A 12-Inch

| Crawley, England, UK | Bizarre, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(Back in the 1970s I worked behind the counter in a record store. The band Hawkwind has just released a special 12-inch single edition of their hit “Silver Machine.” A young lad comes in:)

Lad: *in an apologetic voice* “Um, I don’t mean to be personal, but, er, have you got, er, a twelve inch silver machine?”

Me: *laughter*

That’s One Strong (Language) Discount

| Finland | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Language & Words

(One of our waiters takes an order from a family. The mother has shown her membership card so they are entitled to a discount. We are extremely busy so in a hurry the waiter forgets to add the discount on the bill. The lady asks me to bring her bill and is complaining about everything, being rather rude and snappy. When she sees the bills she gets furious for not having the discount on it. I apologize and go back to the till to correct the bill. I take the bill back and as I put it on the table, I repeat the total, and point out the discount on the bill.)

Me: “And here is your membership discount.”

Lady: “F****** discount!”

Me: “No, ma’am. It is not a f****** discount; it is a membership discount.”

(Her husband cracked up. She lost her rags and swore to me never to come back.)

Can’t Cope In The Digit-al World

| UK | Language & Words, Technology

(I am working on the switchboard. I’ve just taken a call from a lady who has asked me for the number of another organisation, not related to our college. I explain that we do not have anything to do with the other organisation but offer to look up their number for her online. I find the number and start to read it out.)

Me: “Okay, the number is 0300…”

Caller: “Slowly please!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam.” *pause* “So the number is 03…”

Caller: “0… yes?”

Me: “3.”

Caller: “3… yes?”

Me: “00.”

Caller: “Yes, I have the 0, what is next?!”

Me: “I’ll start again madam. The number is 03…”

Caller: “Yes, I have that! What is the next number?!?”

Me: “The next number is 0.”

Caller: “So 030?”

Me: “That’s correct. Then it is another 0…”

Caller: “I already have the 0!”

Me: “Yes, madam, but there is another 0.”

Caller: “So 0300?”

Me: “That’s right. Then there is another 3…”

Caller: “I already have the 3!”

Me: “Madam, would it help if I start the number again?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay… so the number is 0…”

Caller: “I ALREADY HAVE THE 0! You are speaking too fast for me!”

Me: “Madam, I am reading the number one digit at a time. I cannot possibly speak any slower.”

I Was Feeling Pretty Nine Myself, Until You Walked In

| MT, Canada | Language & Words

(It’s late at night and I am the only server on. A group of people walk in so I walk up to the front to greet them.)

Me: “Hey, how are you doing tonight?”

Customer #1: “Five.”

Me: “Is that on a scale of one to ten? Or…”

Customers: *blank stares all around*

Me: *internal facepalm* “Right. This way to your table.”

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