Category: Hotels & Lodging

A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

She Has Taken The Black

| Scotland, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

(I am a breakfast chef at a five-star hotel. We have a lot of North American customers who are unfamiliar with some popular European foods. A waiter draws my attention to an order they have just taken.)

Waiter: “Vegetarian breakfast with black pudding. I tried explaining but she just shoo-ed me away.”

(Black pudding is made from pigs’ blood.)

Me: “Do you want to check again, that she’s sure?”

(The waiter goes off to check again with the customer and returns a minute later.)

Waiter: “She’s sure. She ate it before and it was delicious. And she isn’t very happy at her order being questioned.”

Me: “I’ll just go and check.”

(I go to the customer’s table.)

Me: “Are you a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Guest: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Me: “Are you aware of what black pudding is?”

Guest: “Look, I had it for the first time a few days ago and it was delicious. Now, just get me my d*** breakfast.”

Me: “Can I just explain…”

(I go into the full details of how black pudding is made, with the boiling of the pigs’ blood, the addition of oatmeal and diced pig fat, etc. I note the customer going greener and greener as the story goes on.)

Guest: “Actually, could I just have cereal and toast, please?”

Alpha Male Is O-Mega A**-Hole

| Belgium | Hotels & Lodging

(I’m working front desk at a mid-range hotel. In this hotel the front desk staff also runs the bar. A couple of business guests walk into the bar and take a seat. My colleague points one of them out for being a real a** at check-in. I clearly recognise the alpha male. This dude takes a seat and puts his feet on the table.)

Me: *kindly* “Sir, can you please remove your feet from the table?”

Alpha Male: “Nope. I paid to stay here, so I can put my feet wherever I like.”

Me: *irritated* “Well, sir, that’s twisted logic. I pay my road tax and car insurance every year, yet that doesn’t mean I can drive faster than the speed limit or park my car wherever I like. So, could you please remove your feet from the table?”

Alpha Male: *mumbles something I can’t understand but leaves his feet on the table*

Me: “Okay, sir, I can’t make you remove your feet from the table; however what I can do is refuse service. And since in that case your colleagues will probably order drinks for you, I’m refusing service to you and ALL of your colleagues.”

Alpha Male: *removes feet from table* “Your manager will hear about this in the morning!”

Me: “He will hear about what? Me teaching you some manners?”

(As far as I know, he never spoke to my manager.)

Riddles In The Dark Knight

| Asheville, NC, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a petite, late twenties woman; the guest is at least fifty years old, if not that young.)

Guest: “Riddle me this.”

Me: “Okay, Batman.”

(The guest stops and stares a moment:)

Guest: “Wow, if I wasn’t already married, I’d take you home…” *awkward pause* “…as my daughter!” *asks his question and leaves*

Me: *to coworker* “I’m sorta glad he added that last part, because that was really creepy!”

Finally Sir(mised) The Situation

| Asheville, NC, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

(I am a rather petite woman with a micro pixie; my hair is no longer than an inch. I am holding the doors open for returning guests to our hotel. The uniform I’m wearing is unisex cut, but it is still rather obvious that I’m female. Rounding out the group of guests is an elderly couple with walkers and a somewhat younger-than-them woman making sure they get along all right, probably a daughter. The elderly couple are obviously more focused on walking than me.)

Elderly Gentleman: “Thank you, sir.”

(Neither surprised nor offended, I just giggle and welcome him through the door. The somewhat younger woman behind him STARES at me until she’s passing through the door. It’s actually getting rather creepy and I’m not feeling more uncomfortable than amused.)

Woman: “You know, if you grew it out we’d know the difference.”

Grandson Grandstanding

| Germany | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging

Caller: “I am ringing on behalf of my grandparents about their booking.”

Me: “Can you give me a booking number, an arrival date, or the name of the guests?”

Caller: “I am the grandson.”

Me: “And what is your grandparents’ name?”

Caller: *aggressive and very loud* “I AM THE GRANDSON OF MY GRANDPARENTS!”

Me: “I am also the grandson of my grandparents, but could you please give me a little bit more information about the booking?”

Caller: *extremely aggressive, shouting really loud* “THE TRIP HAS BEEN PAID FOR AND YOU SHOULD ADAPT TO US!”

Me: “Could you please calm down a bit? I have no idea what this is about.”

Caller: *shouting completely incomprehensibly* “WAWAWAWA!”

Me: “Sir, I have guests standing at reception waiting to check in. I suggest you ring back after you have calmed down.” *click*

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