Category: Hotels & Lodging

A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

Not Exactly Cooking Up A Compliment

| ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

(I’m a late 20s male working at a downtown hotel. This exchange happens between me and a somewhat regular guest:)

Guest: “Are you married?”

Me: *hesitantly* “No… I’m not.”

Guest: “Oh, so you have to cook for yourself, then?”

Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. Yes, I do.”

Guest: “Oh, well from the looks of it, you’re a good cook!”

Me: *speechless*

Not Speaking Full English

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

Guest: *on the phone* “Do you serve hot breakfast?”

Me: “Yes, we serve a full Scottish breakfast.”

Guest: “So you don’t have any hot food? Like a full English?”

Me: “A full Scottish breakfast is basically the same as a full English, but you get haggis as well. And it’s a buffet so you can choose not to have that if you don’t want it.”

Guest: “So I can’t get eggs or sausages? You know, like in a full English.”

Me: “I assure you, our buffet has hot food. It is a full English, plus haggis.”

Guest: “But I can’t get eggs, ’cause it’s Scottish?”

Me: “…”

Guest: “It’s just continental, with muffins and stuff.”

Me: “The buffet has any number of breakfast items, but if you want something not available, you can ask the chef, and it won’t be a problem. Though I assure you, the buffet has hot, full English breakfast items. Such as eggs.”

Guest: “Okay, I’ll just ask the chef to make me a full English, then. Thank you.”

They Already Checked Out Last Night

| CO, USA | Holidays, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

Guest: “Hi there. I would like to check out.”

Me: “I can do that for you. Did you enjoy your stay?”

Guest: “Yes, I love Colorado!”

Me: “I’m happy to hear that; I hope you come back soon.”

Guest: “Oh, I will! Here is my room key and what I couldn’t finish.” *smiles*

(He hands me his key, I feel a small bag under it.)

Guest: “Have a green Christmas!”

(I didn’t even need to look to see what it was. Only in Colorado will you get a check out with pot at four am.)

Weeding Out The Bad Guests

| USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging

(It is about two in the morning when I get a call from one of the rooms.)

Guest: “Excuse me, but I smell WEED! Someone’s smoking!”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that, ma’am. We are a non smoking hotel.”

Guest: *shrilly* “That’s it? Aren’t you going to go and catch the person who’s doing it? It’s illegal here, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes it is, but it’s two in the morning and there’s no one here but me. I can’t leave the front desk and go about sniffing for who has done it.”

Guest: “Well, I never! This is unacceptable that you would support illegal practices here!”

Me: “We do not and the only thing I can do is apologize and offer to change your room.”

Guest: “I’m not moving. What else can you do? Surely there’s something?”

Me: “Like I said, I cannot figure out who is smoking, and everything will have to be done in the morning when the housekeepers are here so we can find out who is smoking in this non-smoking hotel.”

Guest: “So you can’t do anything about this?!”

Me: “No, I can’t.”

Guest: *begins screaming, and then finally hangs up*

(She called three times after that, ranting and raving, before finally going to sleep, I guess. I don’t smoke, so I don’t know if she was telling the truth or not. I leave a note for the managers about it, and the next day, I arrive for my shift and the manager is there.)

Me: “Did housekeepers ever find out which room was smoking?”

Manager: “Yes. Hers. Turns out her teen son was doing it in his room. She went ballistic at US instead of him… We threw them out and called the police.”

She Has Taken The Black

| Scotland, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

(I am a breakfast chef at a five-star hotel. We have a lot of North American customers who are unfamiliar with some popular European foods. A waiter draws my attention to an order they have just taken.)

Waiter: “Vegetarian breakfast with black pudding. I tried explaining but she just shoo-ed me away.”

(Black pudding is made from pigs’ blood.)

Me: “Do you want to check again, that she’s sure?”

(The waiter goes off to check again with the customer and returns a minute later.)

Waiter: “She’s sure. She ate it before and it was delicious. And she isn’t very happy at her order being questioned.”

Me: “I’ll just go and check.”

(I go to the customer’s table.)

Me: “Are you a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Guest: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Me: “Are you aware of what black pudding is?”

Guest: “Look, I had it for the first time a few days ago and it was delicious. Now, just get me my d*** breakfast.”

Me: “Can I just explain…”

(I go into the full details of how black pudding is made, with the boiling of the pigs’ blood, the addition of oatmeal and diced pig fat, etc. I note the customer going greener and greener as the story goes on.)

Guest: “Actually, could I just have cereal and toast, please?”

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