Category: Hotels & Lodging

A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

Will Go Crazy At This Rate

| UK | Hotels & Lodging, Popular

(I walk into my hotel to check in when I see the receptionist hold up her hand to acknowledge me with a smile as she is taking a phone call. She has a very fixed smile on her face.)

Receptionist: “No, sir. I am sorry, our room rates start at £60 a night with bed and breakfast. I’m afraid we wouldn’t be able to give you a rate of £50. Yes, sir, I am checking your name now. The last time you stayed with us was June last year when the rate was lower.”

(I can hear the guy on the other end now getting angrier and the receptionist is smiling serenely the whole damn time.)

Receptionist: “Unfortunately, sir, my superior has left the office for the day… No, sir, I cannot call her… No, sir, you cannot have her number to call her… Unfortunately, sir, I am unable to adjust the rate… I can appreciate your predicament, sir, but I am unable to lower the rate as it is a set rate.”

(At this point, I can actually hear the guy swearing down the phone at the receptionist and she’s just smiling.)

Receptionist: “Thank you, sir. I will of course pass on those comments. I am sure they will help my supervisor with my staff appraisal. Have a good day, sir. ‘Bye.” *she takes a deep breath, smiles at me, and says* “Every Saturday… Can I help you, sir?”

His Haggling Has Rooms For Improvement

| IL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Money, Popular

(I work as a front desk clerk at a mid/low range hotel it was about mid-shift but my boss who usually takes over for me is there. Two customers come in, both old men.)

Customer: “Here is my coupon. I have AAA and AARP and I am also a veteran.”

Me: “Sir, you may only use one discount per room.”

Customer: “Well, if you come with the room, I’ll take it.”

Me: *said with a straight face* “Sir, if you need all those discounts to this hotel then you can not afford me.”

Customer’s Friend: *as he laughs* “You’ve lost your touch, old man.”

Not The Key To Success

| CA, USA | Hotels & Lodging

(I’m the customer here. In the 1970s my wife and I, from the UK, treat ourselves to a luxury holiday, visiting the USA for the first time. When we register at our up-market hotel, I’m given a keycard for the room. It’s the first time I’ve seen one.)

Receptionist: “Here’s your keycard, sir. Just swipe it in the slot on your room door to open it.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(I collect my suitcase and walk with my wife to the elevator. Putting down my suitcase, I check my pocket for the keycard, but it’s not there, so I walk back to reception (about 15 yards).)

Me: “Err, I’ve lost my keycard between here and the elevator. That must be a record?”

Receptionist: “Pretty much, sir. Here’s a replacement. Enjoy your stay!”

Turning Water Into Wine And Back Again

| Germany | Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

(At check-in we offer our guests a free welcome drink. Normally this is prosecco (Italian sparkling wine) but we also have sparkling water if the guest does not drink alcohol.)

Me: “Welcome to the hotel! Can we offer you a prosecco on the house?” *seeing difficult look* “Or would you like sparkling water?”

Guest: “Yes.”

Me: “The prosecco or the water?”

Guest: “Yes.”

Me: “It is your choice, madam, would you like the sparkling wine or the water?”

Guest: *agitated* “Yehesss….”

(My coworker just starts pouring a prosecco without further comment. The husband of the guest enters the hotel.)

Guest: *to husband* “Those two here really wanted to confuse me just now!”

Boasting About His French Fry

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(The hotel I work at is very close to a rugby stadium and as a result, the hotel is packed during national games. I am the only member of staff who can speak French, and have to translate all day during the France vs. Scotland game.)

Guest: *in French* “Your coworker is cute.”

Me: *in French* “How nice of you to say. Can I take your order?”

Guest: *in French* “Can you tell her something from me?”

Me: *in French* “I suppose so…”

(At this point my coworker has noticed him looking at her.)

Guest: *in French* “Tell your friend the reason I have such a huge belly, is to hide my massive penis!”

(He and his friends laughed as I took their order and walked away. I decided to wait until after our shift to tell my coworker what he had said.)

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