Category: Home Improvement

Stupid customers still have to live somewhere. While we applaud them for sometimes wanting to make the place look nice, please don’t assume flat-pack furniture comes ready out of the box, or that power-tools are named as such because they need power! They make Tim The Toolman Taylor look like Frank Gehry!

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Not So Hot And Pretty In Pink

| USA | Home Improvement

(My friend’s family owns a reception hall at their restaurant. She’s showing the hall for a wedding to a potential client.)

Friend: “So, any questions for me?”

Potential Client: “Yes… My colors are black and hot pink. Do you think we could paint that wall black on the bottom and hot pink on top?”

(Note that the walls are painted an off-white color with a generic border along the chair rail. They had just recently remodeled within the past couple years, too. My friend’s not sure if the woman is serious or not, so she somewhat humors her.)

Friend: Well… sure. But then you’d have to paint it back the way we have it now and put the same border up.”

Potential Client: “Oh. Well, I don’t want to do that.”

(Turned out she had actually been serious and had wanted to paint the walls! She of course didn’t want to take my friend’s offer and went with a different venue. I wonder if she found somewhere that let her paint the walls!)

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Fails To Plant The Concept

| IL, USA | Home Improvement

(I get to have this conversation at least once per work-day.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “I’m the plant vendor. If you have a question about the flowering plants, I can help you.”

Customer: “Great. Can you help me with the lawn mowers/barbecues/pots?”

(Said with varying levels of politeness.)

Me: “I work with the plants…”

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Not Going To Slug It Out With You

| Melton Mowbray, England, UK | Home Improvement, Language & Words, Popular

(I am the customer in this story. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and have nipped out to get slug killer after finding slugs in the garden. I pick up two large containers and a bottle of ant killer too. I am a small female. Upon going to the checkout…)

Till Lady: “Good morning, how are you?”

Me: *calmly* “I’m going on a murderous rampage.”

Till Lady: *eyes go wide*

Me: “In my garden. Slugs and ants can suck it today!”

Till Lady: *pause* “Do you want a bag?”

(Sorry for scaring you!)

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(Air) Conditioned To Be Cheap

| MN, USA | Bizarre, Home Improvement, Money, Popular

(Note that I usually work in the electronics department of my store. However, no one else is free to help a customer calling for hardware, so I take the call.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I need an air conditioner for a window about [size]. Can you tell me what you have and how much they cost?”

Me: “Sure, let me put you on hold for a bit.”

(I check the air conditioners and find that they all require about the same size window, easily within the customer’s requirements.)

Me: “Actually, just about all of our air conditioners will fit. They range from about $100 to $300…”

Caller: “What? He wants $300 to fix this one?”

Me: “No, we’ve got some cheaper than that, as low as $100.”

Caller: “What brand are they?”

Me: “Most of them are [Brand], but a few are [Other Brand].”

Caller: “Hmm, never heard of [Brand] before. Are they any good?”

Me: “Actually, I don’t usually work in this area, so I don’t know how good they are. All I can really tell you is how much power the box says it has.”

Caller: “Oh, all right. I need one that’s at least twelve hundred. H6ow much do they have?”

(I go and check again, and find out that even the cheapest one is 5,000 BTU (British Thermal Unit).)

Me: “Actually, even our cheapest one is 5,000 BTU…”

Caller: “No, I don’t want your cheap one. I want a good one. At least twelve hundred.”

Me: “Er, I just said it’s 5,000, more than four times as much as you’re asking for…”

Caller: “No, I need something at least twelve hundred!”

Me: “Wait… do you mean twelve hundred, or twelve thousand?”

Caller: “Oh, yeah, maybe that’s what’s written down here. Twelve thousand.”

(I go and double-check, and find out our most expensive unit is 12,000 BTU.)

Me: “Okay, our most expensive one is $300, a [Brand] with 12,000 BTU.”

Caller: “Oh, $300? That’s a steal! And it’s a [Brand]? Oh, I know those are good. Thanks, I’ll be in later to pick it up.”

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Talk Too Mulch

| MI, USA | Home Improvement

(It’s just a few days before Memorial weekend and the store has lots of sales going on; mulch being on of the hot items this year. Both my coworkers and I are getting fed up with people asking what color the “natural” mulch is.)

Customer: “What color is your natural mulch?”

Coworker: *totally deadpan* “It’s purple.”

Customer: *sounding excited* “Oh really?”

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