Category: Home Improvement

Stupid customers still have to live somewhere. While we applaud them for sometimes wanting to make the place look nice, please don’t assume flat-pack furniture comes ready out of the box, or that power-tools are named as such because they need power! They make Tim The Toolman Taylor look like Frank Gehry!

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Under House Arrest

| Upper Marlboro, MD, USA | Bad Behavior, Home Improvement, Wild & Unruly

(I am an engineer who helps design water drainage for when a new house is built. I get a call from a county inspector that our design of the water flow on the new house we are helping build is going towards the neighbor’s house. We did not design it this way as it is supposed to be draining to the street. I drive out to the site to meet with our customer, the county inspector, and the neighbor. The neighbor and our client have been fighting over the building of this house for years. The house that is under construction, almost completed, is a very expensive, multi-million dollar house. It is too high end for the neighborhood as all of the other houses are only in the $200,000 range.)

Neighbor: “All that water from last week’s rain is going into my basement. I should sue you for damages.” *points to me* “I should also sue you for designing it.”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. I need to inspect the area.”

(We designed a one foot-high wall built with concrete to keep the water from flowing into his yard along with a ditch that is supposed to flow into the street. I get to the area. He has not built any ditch but also built a small six inch-high wooden wall. It is way too small for the water area, plus the wood he used is cheap plywood.)

Me: “Excuse me, [Client], why did you build this wall here? I proposed a concrete one.”

Client: “Oh, the house was costing too much to build so I found some wood in the alley to use.”

Neighbor: “So that explains what happened to my floor. You stole my wood you—”

(Right before he can finish, our client punches the neighbor in the face. It turns out the neighbor was rebuilding his bathroom floor and brought the wood to repair his floor. Our client then admits to stealing it and using it to make the water flow into the neighbor’s basement as punishment for stalling his project. The inspector holds down our client while I call the police. As he is being lead away from the police:)

Client: “This isn’t right. All I was trying to do was build a house!”

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The Power Of “Believe”

| UK | Awesome Customers, Home Improvement

(I work in a hardware store where items are ordered from a catalogue, paid for, and then received at the counter. You have to ask to see the items before purchase; because of this we deal mostly with tradesmen. Because I look very young for my age (I’m often mistaken for 15 or 16 whereas I’m actually 24) people often don’t believe me when I give them information. Mostly they think I’m a new starter and ask to speak to one of my male colleagues, who then defer to me as I’m actually the senior service assistant at my store. This means I’m often going and getting the items to get them out of their packaging to prove that the dimensions or whatever other information they’re looking for.)

Me: “Hi, sorry for the wait; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to return this strainer waste. I’m actually looking for just the strainer, but this isn’t the right size. I know you have another in the book in a different make. Do you know if it’s bigger?”

Me: *getting the program up to find the item in the warehouse* “I’m afraid they’re the same size. I’ve compared them before.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine. Just the refund, then.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just find it… Wait, you believed me?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “But no one believes me.”

Customer: “But why would you lie?”

Me: “I know, right?”

(I process the refund, and at the end we’re supposed to bid farewell with some variation of “thank you, goodbye”)

Me: “Thank you for believing me! Bye bye!”

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The Great Search

, | USA | Funny Names, Home Improvement

(My friend needs expanding foam, which commonly is under the brand name “Great Stuff.” My friend, however, misunderstands and thinks everyone is just saying how great it is. After seemingly fruitless search for the brand name, he eventually goes to a hardware store to find it:)

Friend: *to employee* “I’m looking for expanding foam.”

Employee: “Oh, yeah, Great Stuff!”

Friend: *yelling* “I ALREADY KNOW IT’S HOW GREAT IT IS! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT’S CALLED!”

Employee: “No, no, no. It’s actually called ‘Great Stuff.’”

Friend: “Oh…”

(For the record, it really is great stuff.)

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New Lengths Of Stupidity

, | MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement, Non-Dialogue

Email from customer about an item she just purchased: “Your listings says that the item would be 20″ wide, but it didn’t say how wide twenty inches was. It is way bigger than I expected!”

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A Common Light-Bulb Moment

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

(The phone rings. When I answer, I recognize a lady I’d helped the day before.)

Customer: “When I bought my light yesterday, the lady didn’t sell me any bulbs to go with it.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. You didn’t want them because you said you already had some at home.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t. I don’t know why you’d have that impression. Anyway, I’m in another lighting store now, and they say they don’t have that bulb.”

Me: “Really? That’s just a bulb with a candelabra base. It’s extremely common and dozens of different bulbs would fit. I’m surprised that any lighting store wouldn’t have it! Perhaps if you phrase it differently they might recognize it. Some people describe it as a ‘small base’ or an ‘E12′ base.”

Customer: “Look, they DON’T HAVE IT.”

Me: “Okay, that’s no problem. We carry them all the time. I’m looking at some right now if you’d like to come back in.”

Customer: “I’m in [Town 20 minutes away]. I’m NOT coming all the way back.”

Me: “Well, like I said, it’s a very common bulb. You should be able to find them at dollar stores, grocery stores, hardware stores… anywhere that sells bulbs, really.”

Customer: “I’m not driving all over town just because your employees didn’t give me any bulbs!”

Me: “All right, ma’am, what would you like me to do for you?”

Customer: “I want you to mail them to me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that. Among other reasons, the postage would cost far more than the bulbs themselves.”

Customer: “Well, then, somebody needs to deliver them to my house.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t spare any employees for that.”

Customer: “This is horrible customer service! I’m never shopping there again!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Did you have any other questions?”

Customer: “No!” *hangs up*

(Twenty minutes later, she showed up at our store, but not to buy the bulbs. She returned the fixture.)

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