Category: Health & Body

Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

You Can’t Make Up This

| Murfreesboro, TN, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I work at a cosmetics counter in a department store. A lot of men like to joke as they walk by, saying something like “Will you put some makeup on me and make me prettier?” My answer is always the same. This man, however, one-upped me.)

Customer: “Will you put some makeup on me?” *laughs*

Me: “If you want to sit down, I will!”

Customer: “All right, put some eyeliner on me and let’s see if my kids notice!”

(I put some brown eyeliner on him and he left to go find his family, but not before insisting I take a tip from him. He ended up shoving five bucks in my uniform pocket and just walking away. About ten minutes later, he walked back by.)

Customer: *loudly whispering* “They haven’t even noticed yet!”

(Thanks, random man, for making me smile and buying my coworkers and me Cokes with your tip!)

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Giving Asthma Sufferers A Bad Name

| North Little Rock, AR, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Health & Body

(I am working at our main circulations desk when three gentlemen come off the elevator. One of them is slumped over and is being dragged by two men at his sides. The middle man is rasping and is semi slumped over.)

Me: “Sir, is your friend going to be okay? Should I call the ambulance?”

Patron #1: “No, he’s fine. He needs his inhaler, is all.”

Patron #2: “We live right around the block. I think he can make it.

Patron #3: *wheezing* “No…” *wheeze* “…ambulance…” *wheeze*

(I’m a little dubious, but all three of them seem unwilling for emergency help. That sends warning signals off in my head.)

Me: “All right, but let me know if you need any help.”

Patron #3: *drops to the floor* “Can’t… breath…”

(Patron #3 is having a lot of trouble breathing. The other two guys ask that I call 911. At one point during the call Patron #3 passes out and stops breathing. My manager rushes down stairs and directs the EMT to the patron.)

EMT #1: “Sir, they tell us you think you’re having an asthma attack. I have to sit you up for a bit.”

Patron #3: *wheezes* “I can’t sit up!”

EMT #1: “Don’t worry, I gotcha.” *sits [Patron #3] up*

(The EMT checks the patron out but declares he is not having an asthma attack.)

Patron #2: “What the f*** man! You scared the s*** outta us and you ain’t even having an asthma attack!?”

EMT #2: “You’re not having an asthma attack.”

Patron #3: *passes out again*

Patron #2: “Calm down man. It could be something else, we don’t know yet.”

EMT #1: *lifts patrons #3 hand and drops it* “Look, guys, he’s not even passed out. Normally if he was, his hand would fall, but before it hits his face it hovers mid air.”

(We all turn to watch as the EMT lifts his hand and drop it an inch from Patron #3’s face. Of course the hand hovers before he hits himself.)

Patron #2: “What the f***?!”

Patron #1: “You gotta calm down. We’re in a library!”

EMT #2: “Has your friend taking any medication or drugs recently?”

(Both Patron #1 and Patron #2 look back and forth between each other but neither wants to say.)

EMT #2: “We’re not the cops; we just need to know where we should go from here.”

Patron #3: *springs back to life* “I… NEED… OXYGEN… YOU… AIN’T TAKING ME!”

EMT #1: “You’ve got to calm down. We won’t take you anywhere you don’t want to go, but we gotta figure out what’s wrong with you first.”

Patron #3: “I got asthma, that’s what’s wrong! D*** doctors don’t know anything!” *wheeze*

(Patron #3 starts screaming randomly. The EMTs are getting frustrated at the whole group when Patron #2 finally gives them a little bit of information.)

Patron #2: “He’s been drinking all day.”

Patron #3: “Ain’t been drinking! I haven’t had anything to drink!”

Patron #1: “Don’t lie, man. These guys are here to help you.”

EMT #1: “Is that all he’s had today?”

Patron #2: “Well… he’s had [illegal substance], too.”

(Patron #3 stands up and starts swinging at anyone close to him.)

Patron #3: “Get off me man!”

(The cops arrive and try to calm the situation down.)

EMT #1: “Look, we can take him to the hospital right now. They’ll be able to give him something to get his breathing regular.”

Patron #1: “Yah, that sounds good. Come on, [Patron #3], let them take you in, man.”

Patron #3: *takes a seat on the stretcher* “I…” *wheeze* “ain’t…” *wheeze* “going to no d*** hospital!”

EMT #1: “All right, all right… fine. If you can get up and leave under your own power we won’t take you to the hospital.”

(They un-strap him from the stretcher, and we all watch as he stumbles out of the library.)

Manager: “What was he on?!”

EMT #1: “[Illegal substance]. It’s pretty strong stuff. You’re lucky; 90% of the time when we get a call like this they’re are naked, afraid, and running.”

Enough To Make Your Bloodwork Boil

| USA | Health & Body

(I work in the outpatient lab at a large hospital. This conversion happens multiple times a day.)

Me: “Welcome. Let’s start with your last name.”

Patient: “I’m already in your system!”

Me: “I’m sure you are, but I need to look up your account in the system.”

(Patients often assume we know who they are and their entire medical history even if they have never met us. After verifying the patient’s account we need to get information about the actual order themselves.)

Me: “And which doctor ordered your lab work?”

Patient: “I don’t know. They just told me to come get bloodwork.”

Me: “Okay, who are ‘they’?”

Patient: “I don’t know, some one from the doctor’s office.”

Me: “And which doctor’s office is that?”

Patient: “I don’t know.”

(Sometimes patients have orders in the computer already but if there are multiple doctors we can’t just guess which one they are there for.)

Me: “Do you know what they want you to get done?”

Patient: “NO, just bloodwork.”

Me: “Do you know when they ordered the labs?”

Patient: “NO, I don’t know. They just told me to come to the lab and get my blood drawn!”

Me: “Well, if you don’t know then I don’t know either.”

Patient: “…”

The Devil’s Pay Book

| USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Money, Religion

(I was checking out an older lady from my church. She never struck me as superstitious at all.)

Me: “Okay that comes to, um, $6.66.”

(Her eyes got wide and she grabbed something off the rack at random.)

Customer: “And this keychain!”

Me: “Okay, that’s $8.63.”

Customer: “Much better. Sorry, but I’m going for surgery Monday. I’m not going to risk it.”

(I told my coworker, her nephew, and he cracked up and bought her a rabbit’s foot, just in case.)

Don’t Chew The Fat With Me If You Can’t Handle It

| OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Health & Body

(I’ve recently given birth to a gorgeous baby girl, and while I’ve now returned to my job, I haven’t yet managed to shed the weight I put on during my pregnancy.)

Customer: “D***, you’ve really gotten fat!”

Me: *silently checking out his purchases*

Customer: “I mean, I’ve only been coming here for like a year so that is some incredible weight gain!”

Me: *just shrugs and keeps scanning his purchases*

Customer: “So…what’s the deal? Boyfriend left ya? Job getting to ya? Feeling like the only reason for living is to get to the bottom of your third tub of ice cream?”

Me: “That’ll be [price].”

(The customer doesn’t pull out his wallet just yet.)

Customer: “Well, are you gonna answer me, whale?”

Me: “First off, let me ask this: what is your endgame here?”

Customer: “Huh? My what?”

Me: “Your endgame. What do you hope to accomplish by insulting and belittling me here? Because so far all you’re doing is making yourself look like a complete idiot to everyone around you.”

(The customer turns and notices the rest of the line is staring at him, some in shock and some in quiet disdain.)

Customer: “I… uh… well… so you know you’re a fat-a** and do something about it!”

Me: “I am doing something about it. I put on this weight because I was pregnant. Now I’m hitting the gym at least four times a week so I’ll no doubt lose it again.”

Customer: “Well… uh… I dunno, then! I didn’t think you were going to quiz me about this!”

Me: “Your total is still [price].”

Customer: “No! F*** you, fat b****! Now I feel bad and it’s all your fault!”

(He storms off, leaving me to have to void his entire transaction.)

Me: “I apologize for this. It won’t take me more than a minute.”

Next Customer In Line: “How… How did you keep your cool through that?”

Me: “Ten hours of labor and a baby that made every bit of pain totally worth it. After that, it takes a lot more than a moron’s poorly chosen words to hurt me.”

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