Category: Health & Body

Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

Can’t Talk Your Way Out Of That One

| Methuen, MA, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I’m scanning a customer’s groceries. Everything is going normally, and then she says out of the blue:)

Customer: “Do you like my shirt?”

(It’s a shirt for a cancer awareness walk.)

Me: “Sure, it’s a nice shirt.”

Customer: “Yeah. I had cancer, you know.”

Me: “Oh, no! But you’re cancer-free now, I hope?”

Customer: “Yes. But I don’t like to talk about it.”

Me: “…Have a nice day.”

An Artificially Inseminated Refund

| Northwood, OH, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I am walking near the customer service area when I overhear a woman trying to return an item. We have a pretty liberal return policy; as long as you have the receipt and the actual item, you get your money back.  Only managers can approve returns, so customer service has called the assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: I want to return this turkey baster here. I’ve got the receipt and everything.”

Assistant Manager: “Certainly, ma’am. I need to fill out this form and you’ll be on your way. What can I put down as the reason for return?”

Customer: “Well, no matter which way I sit, it HURTS!”

Assistant Manager: “…”

(The assistant manager turned bright red, got the customer’s money, and ran back to the break room in sheer embarrassment while the rest of us burst out in hysterical laughter.)

Trying To Level With You

| Murrieta, CA, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(We have very strict rules on height requirements for our bigger rides that often create a problem with guests that are close to but not meeting the requirement, so much so that I bought myself a level out of my own pocket to get the most exact measurements possible.)

Me: “I’m afraid your son is about an inch away and will not be able to ride, but he does meet the requirements for most of the other rides.”

Customer: “You’re kidding me. This is f***ing ridiculous.”

Me: “I’m very sorry but it is a safety requirement.”

Customer: “Well, we JUST went to the doctor and the doctors said he was 56″ inches.”

Me: “Oh, my, it sounds like your doctor may have been eyeballing it a little, or taking a guess.”

Customer: “No, he’s doctor! He was doing doctor things! He said he was tall enough.”

Me: “Well, despite that we do have to go off of the measurements on our signs.”

Customer: “You have ruined his birthday! His whole birthday is ruined! We’re going someplace else.”

(The guest stormed off out the doors while giving me the evil eye the entire time. Once she was gone I turned to my coworkers and mimed shooting myself in the head with my level.)


| CA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am working the register at a sandwich shop at a theme park. A customer walks in with her mother.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Do y’all have turkey sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes, we do. It comes with your choice of chips, salad, or fruit.”

Customer: “Salad. I am on a diet so I can’t have any fat. By the way is your bread on the turkey sandwich fat free?”

Me: “Yes, I believe so. I can go ask our chef if you would like.”

Customer: “No, it’s okay. I think you are right. Is your turkey fat free?”

Me: “Yes, our turkey is lean, cooked and sliced right here.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds good. Also are your tomatoes fat free?”

(At this point, the coworkers around me and this woman’s mother are stifling laughs.)

Me: “Yes… they are definitely fat free.”

Customer: *to her mother* “See, ma, I am doing this diet thing right.”

Me: “Might I mention that we have a mustard sauce on our sandwich that is not fat free, and includes mayo. Would you like me to get you one without it?”

Customer: “No. How can you eat a sandwich without mayo?”

Not Much Assurance About The Insurance

| Chicago, IL, USA | Health & Body

(After working for another company for 45 years, I have purchased a key shop and am now the owner. Needless to say all contacts with my previous employer are gone. My cell phone rings.)

Me: “This is the key shop. I am [My Name].”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “Pardon? What insurance?”

Caller: “Your insurance. Has it changed?”

Me: “What insurance?”

Caller: “Has your insurance changed?”

Me: “What kind of insurance? I have just started this business. Are you asking about my business insurance or my locksmith insurance? I just received my locksmith insurance renewal notice last week but have not opened it yet.”

Caller: “No, no, your insurance. Did it change?”

Me: “What kind of insurance are you asking about? I have two cars with insurance on them, home insurance, life insurance, and others, but my wife takes care of them.”

Caller: “Your insurance. We need to know if it changed.”

Me: “And who is ‘We’? Who are you?”

Caller: “I am from [Medical Office]. You have an appointment next week so we checked your insurer and they told us that you no longer have a policy with them.”

Me: “Well, no. I no longer work for the company that contracts with them for employee medical insurance.”

Caller: “So are you canceling your appointment?”

Me: “Nope, I am 65 and now have Medicare and also supplemental insurance. I am bringing my new cards to my appointment with you.”

Caller: “Why didn’t you just say that before?!”

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