Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Putting The Selfish Into Selfie

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Time

(I make the mistake of visiting a very popular coffee shop at a busy time. After more than 10 minutes I am second in the queue behind a teenage girl already holding a coffee from another shop, and there are at least 15 more customers waiting behind me.)

Customer: *stares blankly at the barista*

Barista: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “Oh! I don’t know… Give me a second.” *pause* “Can I get, like, a muffin?”

Barista: *clearly already very stressed by the amount of people waiting* “We have banana, chocolate chip, blueberry, pumpkin, and lemon. Which one?”

Customer: “Oh, uh… I don’t know. Blueberry?”

Barista: *swiftly gets muffin out of case and puts it on the counter, trying to speed up the transaction* “Is that everything for you today?”

Customer: “Uh, hang on.”

(She then proceeds to grab the muffin, take out her phone, and TAKE A SELFIE with her pastry. Still not finished, she logs on to social media, filters and captions the photo, and finally posts it before turning back to the now shaking-with-rage barista.)

Customer: “Okay. Can I get, like, a [very complicated dessert drink with numerous substitutions]?”

Barista: *eyes twitching* “[Total].”

(Back on her phone, she takes her time finding her money before flouncing off after her friends.)

Me: *to Barista* “I am so sorry you had to put up with that. And I’m sorry that I didn’t slap her. Just one medium coffee for me, please, and keep the change.”

Best To Nip(ple) That One In The Bud

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Popular

(A customer has asked me for five kilos of pork belly, in large pieces, but she has rejected every piece I’ve shown her, after looking at the underside of it. Note that pork belly comes with the skin on.)

Me: *after another refusal* “May I ask wh—”

Customer: “They have nipples!”

Me: *looking at the tiny nipples on the skin side* “Uh… yes?”

Customer: “I don’t want it with nipples!”

Me: “It’s pork belly. That’s… where the nipples are.”

Customer: “I need it without nipples.”

Me: “I can have the butcher remove the skin for you…”

Customer: “NO. I’ll still know they were there.”

Me: “Okay, so… what would you like?”

Customer: “Don’t you have any without nipples?”

Me: “All mammals have nipples, ma’am.”

(She didn’t buy any pork belly.)

This Caller Is Special

| MD, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Store] in [Town]. This is [My Name]. Would you like to hear the specials today?”

Caller: “Is this the [Pizza Store] in [Town]?”

Me: “Yes…”

Caller: “Ya’ll got any specials?”

Fighting For Those Who Cannot

, | Houston, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Food & Drink, Popular

(I work two jobs in the same mall, a very large shopping center whose customers are almost always extremely rich. I have just ordered a drink at one of our coffee shops and am waiting for it. I’m unusually kind to the employees because I know from experience that their job sucks. There’s an uppity rich lady waiting for her drink too.)

Barista: “White mocha frap!”

Customer #1: *picks it up and shakes it angrily at the barista* “Is this a caramel frappucino? I didn’t order this! Why didn’t you get my order right?”

Customer #2: “Sorry, that’s mine!” *takes the cup*

(Customer #1 does this with two more cups. The barista’s being patient, but I’d had it.)

Me: “Lady, will you calm your t**s? I’m looking over the counter. Look, he’s making your drink right now.”

Customer #1: *sarcastic* “Oh, I’m sorry! Are you [Coffee Company]’s stockholder? Are you their business agent?”

Me: “No, I work in retail and I deal with b****’s like you all day, and since he doesn’t get to yell at you, I’ll do his share. Shut up already! There are other customers besides you.”

Customer #1: “Excuse me! I have been waiting here for forty-five minutes—”

Me: “Oh, bull-s***. I’ve never waited more than three minutes here for a drink even at their busiest, and I’ve seen all of five customers besides you today. Look, when you work for a living instead of just spending all of your husband’s money on s*** you don’t need, THEN you can yell at this guy. Until then, do us a favor and shut up!”

(She proceeds to screech unintelligibly at me for half a minute, until suddenly her drink shows up. She then tramps off with her bags. When my drink is called, I am confused to see a large instead of a medium cup.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, I only ordered a medium—”

Barista: “No, you didn’t.”

(Sometimes it’s the little things.)

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No MO Delivery

| MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Geography

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. Delivery or carry-out today?”

Caller: “Where are you located?”

Me: “We’re on [Street] near [Intersection].”

Caller: “No I mean WHERE are you located? Like, are you in Missouri?”

Me: “Uh… Yes, we are.”

Caller: “Are you next to a [Fast Food Chain with thousands of locations nationwide]?”

Me: “We’re across the street from a [Fast Food Chain].”

Caller: “Okay, you’re who I need. I want a pizza delivered to [Street I’ve never heard of].”

Me: “That address doesn’t seem to be in our area. What’s the zip code so I can look that up for you?”

Caller: “[Zip code I don’t recognize].”

Me: “I’m not sure where that is. What city are you in?”

Caller: “How do you not know that? It’s [City], Florida!”

Me: “Sir… I’m in Missouri.”

Caller: “THAT’S WHAT I ASKED YOU BEFORE!”

Me: “And I said yes.”

Caller: “So, you don’t deliver here?”

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