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Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

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The Sauce Of Your Confusion

| USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Popular

(Unfortunately, I am the stupid customer in this story while dining with my family.)

Waitress: “May I take your order?”

Me: “Yes! May I please have the grouper fish sandwich? But instead of tartar sauce, may I have broccoli?”

Waitress: *pauses* “I’m sorry, what was that last part?”

Me: “Can I substitute the tartar sauce for broccoli with my sandwich?”

Waitress: “You… uh… did you want the broccoli, like, on the sandwich?”

Me: “What? No. I just want broccoli instead of the tartar sauce.”

Waitress: *clearly confused* “Um… well…”

Sister: *laughing* “[My Name], are you confusing tartar sauce with coleslaw?”

Me: *turning a deep shade of red* “Oh, my God… What did I say?”

Waitress: “I thought I was the one going crazy!”

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Gin-uanally Confusing

| Cleveland, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Popular

Customer: “I would like a martini, please.”

Me: “Sure, how would you like it?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “What kind of martini?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Gin or vodka?”

Customer: “Gin. Oh! And no vermouth.”

Me: “Okay, so, just chilled gin in a martini glass?”

Customer: “No, not chilled!”

Me: “You just want warm gin in a martini glass?”

Customer: “No! I just want it in a small glass.”

Me: “So… you’re asking me for a shot of gin?”

Customer: “Yes…”

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Not Really Buttering You Up For Good Service

| Fair Oaks, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Popular

(I am taking an order from a table of four whom I have waited on only once before. Every single person at the table is allergic to at least one thing.)

Me: “For you, sir?”

Customer: “I’ll have the crispy salmon, but I just want it grilled.”

Me: “Crispy salmon, not crispy?”

Customer: “Yes, but listen, I can’t have ANY BUTTER. Have the chef grill it in olive oil, lemon juice, and capers.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll let him know.”

Customer: “Listen, instead of the mashed potatoes, I want a baked potato, with all of the fixings on the side except sour cream. I can’t have ANY SOUR CREAM.”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Also, instead of the carrots, I want extra asparagus, but make sure they grill it in olive oil, maybe a little lemon juice if they want, because I can’t have ANY BUTTER.”

Me: “No problem. I’m sorry, just to clarify, you said you wanted the salmon grilled with olive oil, lemon juice, and what else?”

Customer: “Capers. Capers. You should seriously have this down by now. I order this every week. I guess you do need to go to school for this job.”

(I go to the kitchen and tell the chef.)

Chef: “Did you tell him we don’t carry butter?”

Me: “Yeah… I told him last week, too.”