Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

We Can Guarantee The Cow Was Vegan

| USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Popular

(I am an employee at a burger place.)

Customer: “Hi, do you have any vegan beef patties?”

Me: “Well, we offer a veggie burger and a tofu burger.”

Customer: “No, I want beef.”

Me: “Yes, we have beef patties…”

Customer: “Okay, but do you have vegan beef patties?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: “Ugh, why is it so hard to find?!”

The Cookies Aren’t The Only Things That Are Baked

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I work at a bakery that sells mainly cupcakes, as well as some cookies. A young male customer smelling strongly of marijuana walks in.)

Customer: “Oh, man, cookies!”

Me: “Yep, cupcakes, too!”

(The man walks around looking at the cookies.)

Customer: “So, where are the chocolate chip cookies?”

Me: “Oh, we actually don’t have any. The closest we’re selling right now is oatmeal raisin chocolate chip.”

Customer: “I thought you had chocolate chip!”

Me: “Well, some of the stock changes seasonally, but we don’t usually do chocolate chip.”

(The man wanders around, apparently still looking for the chocolate chip.)

Customer: “What time do you close tonight?”

Me: “We’re open until 10 pm.”

Customer: “You’ll definitely have chocolate chip by then! Right?”

Bringing This Conversation To A Cold Stop

| MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(It’s a busy lunch hour and this couple orders two meals. After paying for their order they also request that their sandwiches are fresh. We have them sit down and tell them we will run their order out to them when it comes up. About ten minutes after receiving their food the customer comes back up and we have this conversation:)

Customer: “This is the second time I’ve come up here. I said I wanted my food fresh, and this sandwich is cold.” *this is only the first time she has come up since receiving her food*

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. It was made fresh when you asked for it, however.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. My burger is cold.”

Me: “Well, we keep both our tomatoes and our cheese cold, which is probably why your sandwich got cold.” *not to mention that she let it sit untouched for ten minutes*

Customer: “But I asked for it fresh.”

Me: “It was made fresh. But the cold tomatoes and cheese are going to make your burger cold.”

Customer: “I want it made again.”

Me: “That’s fine. We can make it again, but it’s going to end up the exact same way unless you want us to leave the tomatoes and cheese off. We can put them on the side for you, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want that.”

Me: *offering her back the original sandwich* “Then you’re just going to end up with this again.”

Customer: “But that’s cold.”

Me: “Right, because of the cold tomato and cheese. So do you want me to make it with the tomato and cheese on the side, or do you want this sandwich back?”

Customer: *I could see her thinking really hard about the offer I just made* “I want it remade.”

Me: “With the tomato and cheese on the side?”

Customer: *long pause* “Yes.”

(She didn’t come back up after that, thankfully. I didn’t think I could handle another ride on the merry-go-round.)

Codeword For Stupid

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink

(I deliver pizzas. Customers in apartment buildings would often forget to tell us what their security code was. This happened on a busy Saturday night before I had a cell phone.)

Me: *calling from a nearby pay phone* “This is the driver from [Pizza Restaurant]. I need your security code.”

Customer: “We’re at [Address].”

Me: “Okay. I need to know the security code.”

Customer: “We’re in [Apartment Number].”

Me: “I still need the security code so I can let you know when I arrive.”

Customer: “Maybe you don’t know where the front of the building is?”

Me: “I know where the front of the building is. I need to know what numbers to push when I get there.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s [code].”

(I arrive at the apartment a minute later and buzz the apartment. The customer emerges from an apartment a few doors down from the entrance.)

Customer: “It’s about time. What took so long?”

A Tender Bender

| USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

Customer: “Do you have any chicken tenders?”

Me: “I have some cooking right now. They’ll be out in just a couple minutes!”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll wait.”

(Once the tenders are done, I bring them out to see the same customer waiting. I place the tenders in the hot case.)

Customer: “Are those tenders fresh?”

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