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Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Don’t Ask Where The Chicken Came From

| SC, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I work at a new Chinese restaurant in a small town; a customer is looking over a menu.)

Customer: “What’s human chicken?”

(Cue laughter:)

Customer: “Oh! Hunan chicken! I mean Hunan chicken!”

Something Fishy About That Meat

| Traverse City, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A couple sit down at a table in my section:)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. I’ll be taking care of you tonight. Our dinner feature is our Friday night fish fry. Tonight we have cod.”

Man: “Your special, what exactly is that?”

Me: “Our cod is four flaky fillets that comes with fries and coleslaw, but if you would like you can exchange that for any two sides.”

Man: “Where is that listed on the menu?”

Me: “Right here, sir.” *I point to the menu, where it says “Friday Fish Fry” in large letters and the man starts looking over where I had showed him*

Woman: “I’ll have the roast beef dinner.”

Man: *to his wife* “Did you get fish?”

Woman: “No, I got the beef.”

Man: *to me* “That beef, is it meat?”

Me: “Uhm, yes.”

Man: “Are you sure it’s meat, not fish?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “Why don’t you have fish?”

Me: “We do. The cod I told you about right here is fish.”

Man: “Are you sure that it is fish and not meat?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “All right. I’ll have that, as long as it’s not meat.”

These Donuts Are A Little On The Insecty-Side

| VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(My coworker and I work in the bakery section of a well known retail chain. During certain times of the year fruit flies are a problem in our department. It is store policy for the bakery to remove the self-serve donuts from the case if the fruit flies are too numerous. This exchange happens to my co-worker while I’m on break.)

Customer: *indignant* “There’s a whole bunch of fruit flies in here.”

Coworker: *checks the case* “You’re right. Sorry about that, sir.” *leaves to get cart to load trays on. comes back. starts loading trays*

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Coworker: “Getting rid of the donuts. We’re supposed to pull the donuts when there’s too many fruit flies.”

Customer: “Can’t you spray some poison in there or something? I really want one!”

His Behavior Defies Explanation

| The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(My family is eating dinner in a local Greek restaurant. While we’re eating, we see a man come in along with two women. The man seems to speak an odd blend of Dutch and English. They’re quickly seated, and are served drinks and a complementary basket of bread and garlic butter. Moments afterwards, the man calls over the serving girl.)

Man:” Your boss! Go get him!”

(Despite her surprise at the sudden demand she brings over the owner of the restaurant. The man picks up a piece of bread as if it’s the most disgusting thing he has ever handled, and holds it up towards the owner.)

Man: “This is terrible service! This bread, it is dry, and it is cold!”

Owner: “I’m sorry that it seems to be dry, sir, and we had not realize you wanted it to be warm. I will ask the kitchen for a new basket of bread and have them heat it up for you.”

Man: “This is ridiculous! I must have warm bread. Why is it not warm?”

Owner: “Once again, our apologies, sir. We don’t normally serve our bread warm; however, as I said, we can certainly heat some up for you. ”

Man: “No! I want to know how you can think to serve cold bread! I must have warm bread! I am an American; we always have warm bread! I must have warm bread!”

Owner: “Here it is customary to serve it cold, sir, but once again, I can have some heated up for you. ”

Man:” NO! I want you to explain to me how you dare to serve cold bread! How dare you do this to your customers?!”

(At this point the owner is clearly fed up with the man but he stays calm throughout.)

Owner: “It is simply what we serve here, sir.”

Man: “No! I must have an explanation! You must explain to me how you think you can get away with this! Explain to me why think you can serve cold bread!”

(The man kept demanding an explanation, volume rising all the while, until the owner was forced to ask them to leave. When the topic of the bill came up, the women suddenly started claiming they hated the beers they were served. They were eventually given their drinks for free, just to stop them from starting another scene…)

A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

| Factoria, WA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”

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