Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Forget To Drink To Forget

| London, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I’m bartending at a wedding and the bar is quiet. A father approaches the bar with his newly 18-year-old daughter.)

Father: “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, please.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?”

Father: “Do you want anything, [Daughter]?”

Daughter: “Oh, I’ll just have some water, please.”

Father: “Are you sure? You’re allowed alcohol now, remember!”

Daughter: *face lights up* “Oh, yeah! Uhm…” *falls silent for about five seconds* “What do you have?”

(I motion to the wide range of alcoholic beverages behind me.)

Me: “Whatever you fancy, ma’am.”

Daughter: “Uhm… I don’t know! What do I want?”

(Her father says nothing, so I presume the question is to me.)

Me: “Well, what do you normally drink? We have a very wide range of spirits behind me, cold beer on tap in front of you, and several ciders and ales in the fridges that I can list if you’d like.”

Daughter: “Uhm, can I have a rum and Coke?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am! Light or dark rum?”

Daughter: “Uhm… Do you have Barcardi?”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I make her Barcardi and Coke and pour the father his Guinness before taking payment. As the daughter walks away, the father sighs.)

Father: “I’m very sorry about that! Sometimes I wonder if she’s all there!”

(He then walks away without his Guinness, returning a minute or so later to collect it with a sheepish look on his face!)

Eternal Persistence Is The Price Of Pie

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

Customer: “Can I have the [flavor] pie?”

Me: “Sure! Would you like sauce with that?”

Customer: “And it’s to eat-in please.”

Me: “Sure. Do you need tomato sauce?”

Customer: “I’ll also have a [coffee] with that.”

Me: “I’ll add that to your order. Do you need tomato sauce for the pie?”

Customer: “Make sure its skinny milk! And I’ll also have a slice of cake.”

Me: *giving up* “Sure. Was there anything else I can get you today?”

Customer: “No, thanks. That’s all.”

Me: “Okay, so that comes to [total]. Here’s your table number.”

Customer: *hands over money but doesn’t move*

Me: “Um, if you’d like to take the table number, ma’am, we’ll bring everything out for you.”

Customer: “Well, can I get some sauce first?”

Tis The Seasoning

| MI, USA | Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(Around Christmas, my father and I decide to go out to eat at a chain restaurant. We can’t help but overhear a table, with a husband who has remained silent the entire time, and a wife, complaining about how her meal has been ruined by the waiter, who happens to be the manager on duty.)

Woman: “Excuse me, sir. You completely ruined my steak. This is not what I ordered.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I would be more than happy to correct this error. May I ask what is wrong with your steak? Is it overcooked?”

Woman: “Just slightly but the major problem is the seasonings you put on the steak. I cannot stand it. I want just a plain steak. No seasonings.”

(Overhearing this, I realize I have ordered the same thing, a Cajun top sirloin, which clearly states that there is spices put on the steak. After a few minutes, the manager comes back with a plain steak for the other table, as well as my meal. After delivering my meal, the woman pulls the manager back to her table.)

Woman: “Sir, this is the second time, and the last time I hope I have to call you over here. You ruined my steak again. This steak is so bland and flavorless. How hard is it to give me a good steak with a bit of salt and pepper?”

Manager: “I am sorry for the confusion, ma’am. I’ll go fix your order personally.”

Woman: *as the manager is leaving the table, but clearly able to hear* “You know, honey, why would a place like this put that seasoning on something when it doesn’t even say it has it on there? No one likes that stuff anyway.”

(Both my father and I have worked in restaurants most of our lives are fed up by this demanding customer and come to the aid of the manager.)

Me: *loud enough for the manager to hear* “Oh, my god! What did they do to this steak?!” *I see the woman turn around and give me a look of agreement as my dad is trying the steak* “This is the best steak I have ever had! And the seasoning is GREAT!”

(The husband was nearly falling out of his chair laughing as the wife stayed silent for the rest of the meal. The manager later thanked us for helping silence the customer. Knowing he was going to get stiffed on a tip, we each pitched $10 just to make his day a little brighter.)

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Be The Change You Want To See

, | Houston, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Money

(I’m picking up my son from elementary school when he asks for ice cream. The man selling outside is in his 50s-60s and pushing an ice cream cart in 100+ degree weather. There’s a 10 year old boy with his 5 year old sister ahead of us.)

Girl: “I want that one”

Boy: “How much is that?”

Ice cream Man: “$1.50”

Boy: *to sister* “We only have two dollars.”

Sister: “I want that one.”

(She points to another that also turns out to be $1.50, this goes on for another three times until the man finally sells them for $1 instead of $1.50.)

Boy: “I’ll take two.”

(The man’s expression seems like he can’t afford to lose a penny but he gives it to them anyway.)

Son: “I’ll take that one.”

Ice Cream Man: “That’s $1.00.”

(I hand him $3.00 and tell him it’s to cover the kids in front of us. The man seems so relieved it made me wish I had more change.)

Sugar And Spice And Naughty And Nice

| Bloomfield Hills, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Movies & TV

Customer: *after purchasing tickets and popcorn* “And I need to get my husband a drink. Give me a bottle of water. Or… what do you have that’s not naughty?”

Me: “Um, naughty like… ‘sex on the beach?'”

Customer: “No. Just without any high-fructose crap. Saccharine is fine, aspartame isn’t…”

(She begins to look at the options in our cooler as her husband, wearing a ‘live free or die’ hat, enters.)

Customer: “Get something to drink. Something not naughty.”

Customer’s Husband: *to me* “You got Coke products?”

Me: “Yes. We have fountain drinks which have HFCS, and the bottled drinks are all cane sugar. So they aren’t, um, quite as naughty.”

Customer: “Oh, he’ll just have a bottle of water.”

Me: “Okay. So that’s two bottles of water? One for him and one for you?”

Customer’s Husband:  “I think I’ll have a Cherry Coke.”

Customer: “Cherry Coke? What are you, 12?”

Customer’s Husband:  “We’re at a movie!”

Customer: “But it’s NAUGHTY!”

Customer’s Husband:  “Fine. Make it a small.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be in the theater while you’re getting diabetes! WITH MY WATER!”

(I prepare the Cherry Coke for him and ring it up.)

Me: “Live free or die, man. Here’s your drink.”

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