Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Working With The Yes-Men

| Stockholm, Sweden | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m working at a popular café and serving customers as usual when an older man walks in.)

Customer: “I would like a sandwich, please.”

Me: “Of course, sir. What kind of bread would you like?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “What kind of bread would you like, sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(At this point I assume he is an alcoholic so I just take a chance on which bread he wanted.)

Me: “Okay, what would you like on your sandwich, sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “What would you like on your sandwich, sir?”

Customer: “White bread.”

(This goes on until I can finally understand what he wants.)

Me: “Goodbye, sir. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “No.”

On A Maturity Diet

| Sparta, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

(Two customers approach my register one night with some two-liter bottles of Coke, some tubes of Mentos and other assorted snacks. I begin ringing them up.)

Customer #1: “Don’t worry; we’re not gonna go do the Coke and Mentos thing.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, that’s not what we’re going to go do.”

Me: “Well, I figured as much. You’d want the diet for that to work.”

(The customers trade a glance.)

Customer #1: “Really?”

Me: “Yup. It’s the artificial sweetener that helps speed the reaction.”

(The customers trade a second glance.)

Customer #2: “Mind if we go switch these out for diet?”

Me: “They’re the same price; go for it.”

Customer #1: “Thanks.”

(They exchange the bottles and as they’re headed out the door…)

Customer #1: “And we’re totally not gonna do the Diet Coke and Mentos thing!”

(The kicker? They were in their late 30’s at the youngest, judging by their salt-and-pepper beard stubble.)

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It’s Hard (Liquor) To Feed Family

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(A man comes into our store to steal. My coworker confronts him.)

Coworker: “Sir, you’re going to have to put that back.”

Customer: “I don’t have anything.”

Coworker: “I saw you put that bottle of brandy in your jacket.”

Customer: *puts bottle back* “You don’t understand. I need to feed my kids.”

Coworker: “…with brandy?”

The ‘Mocha Chocolate’ Is Just The Cream On Top

| USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I am a customer in a small local coffee shop next to a hospital. A woman in scrubs acting important cuts in front of me but being early and a regular I let it slide. She starts to order:)

Customer: “Give me a tall grande skinny chocolate mocha frappe soy latte with cream.”

Barista: “What was that order?”

Customer: “Uh…” *repeats something different*

Barista: “What size; we have small and large.”

Customer: “What about tall grande skinny did you not understand?”

Barista: “So that is a large mocha latte with whipped cream?”

Customer: “No, that’s chocolate mocha!”

Barista: “Chocolate and mocha are the same thing.”

(At this point I laugh and the customer turns and glares at me.)

Customer: “Fine, just make it.”

(The barista does so.)

Barista: “Should I close the lid or are you going to add cream?”

Customer: “Why would you ask that?”

Barista: “I wouldn’t want it to spill.”

Customer: “Just give it to me.”

(She pays and leaves, the barista is just shaking his head. I step up trying not to laugh and hand over my travel cup and cash.)

Me: “What in the world was she actually trying to order?”

Barista: “I don’t even know!”

It’s Oui-Si To Understand

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

Customer: “I want to order something off the menu, but everything is really hard to say and I don’t speak Spanish.”

(We’re a French restaurant, with the word ‘French’ in our name.)

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