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Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

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Her Excuse Is Not So Fresh

| IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am scanning a lady’s groceries at the checkout. She has several containers of a brand of guacamole that is packaged without a re-sealable top.)

Lady: “I love this guacamole you carry! Too bad it spoils so fast.”

Me: “Well, they are freshly made, so it’s important to keep them chilled.”

Lady: “I mean, they go bad in a matter of hours! I should really be able to return them!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Lady: “I have to buy a lot so I always have some! I mean really, why do they come in such large packages if it spoils so quickly?”

Me: “Well, it will go brown on the top if the lid is off for a matter of time, but that’s just an oxidization reaction, like in apples, so it’s still fresh.”

Lady: “I should get a refund every time this guacamole spoils!”

Me: “Guacamole does not go bad that quickly. It’s still perfectly edible even if there’s slight discoloration.”

Lady: *taking receipt and her several tubs of guacamole* No! It spoils! I’ll get my money back one of these days!”

Coworker: *once she has left the building* “The only thing spoiled here is her.”

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Has Beef With Your Explanation

| Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I work in a “healthy” grocery store chain. Walking to the front to start my cashier shift, a customer stops me and asks for help. This customer is about 50-55 and female.)

Customer: “Can you please tell me where the lamb chops are?”

Me: “Sure.”

(Since we are right by the meat section I show her where they are.)

Customer: “Oh, excellent. Can you tell me, are these lamb chops pork or beef?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Are these pork lamb chops or beef lamb chops?”

(Before I can respond I have to think about her question for a moment.)

Me: “Are you asking if they are beef chops or pork chops? Those are lamb chops.”

Customer: *now getting irritated* “No, I KNOW they are lamb chops. Are they beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?!”

Me: “Ma’am, lamb chops come from lamb, pork from pigs, and beef from cows.”

Customer: “Yes! So are these beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?!”

Me: “Ma’am… lamb chops come from little baby sheep, baa baa.” *yes, I make the sounds* “Beef comes from cows, mooo! Pork comes from pigs, oink!

Customer: “No need to be so rude!”

(About 30 minutes later, my manager asks me into his office with a bemused look on his face. He asks about the conversation with the customer, who of course didn’t tell him anything but my last sentence.)

Boss: “So, what happened?”

Me: “Well, I could tell you the conversation in its entirety or I could ask you one question.”

Boss: “Okay, what is the question?”

Me: *deadpan* “Those lamb chops we have in the meat section, are they beef lamb chops or pork lamb chops?”

(Pause.)

Boss: “Thank you for not making me talk to her.”

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A Bad Reaction To The Question

| USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(One of the most common substitutions I do is swapping out dairy for soy milk. Most of the time it’s just a taste preference, but it can also be because of allergy. The customer here is about ten or eleven, with a number of other kids around.)

Girl: “…and can I have my milkshake with soy milk? I’m very allergic to dairy.”

Me: “Sure, that’s not a problem. We even have a separate blender, okay?”

Girl: “Oh, good, thanks!”

(A minute later, as I’m handing off her drink.)

Girl: “Wait, can I get whipped cream on mine?”

Me: “Sorry, I— You said you have a dairy allergy? The whipped cream is made from milk.”

Girl: “No, it’s not! It’s whipped CREAM, not milk!”

Me: *thinking quickly* “Is your mom or dad here with you?”

Girl: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “If they say it’s okay, I’ll put whipped cream on your milkshake.”

(A few minutes later, with her mother:)

Girl’s Mom: “Why would you embarrass her in front of her friends like that? That was cruel of you to do!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I didn’t want to give her anything that might make her sick.”

Girl’s Mom: “Well, she swells up and stops breathing, but she’s got an Epi-Pen for that. I just can’t believe you would humiliate my daughter. It’s hard enough for her to have allergies. You need to be more sensitive!”

(This went on for about five minutes. The girl’s friends didn’t notice a thing until her mother started carrying on. Best part? I’m also allergic to dairy, and generally consider airways closing up a lot more embarrassing than checking with my mom!)

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The Tip Of The Stupidity Ice-Berg

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer has just ordered an iced coffee and sat down. Once the barista finishes making the drink, I bring it over to the customer.)

Me: “Here’s your iced coffee, sir.”

Customer: “What? Oh no. No, no, this isn’t what I wanted. No, this won’t do at all!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, is this not what you ordered?”

Customer: “Well, I ordered an iced coffee.”

Me: “Yes…”

Customer: “There’s ice cubes in it.”

Me: “Yes, sir…?”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t realise there would be ice in it.”

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Pun-gent Peanut Butter

DC, USA | Food & Drink, Puns

(I work in a grocery store and we offer freshly ground peanut butter. It sells very well so I usually end up making it every day. A customer stops to watch.)

Customer: “Literally the daily grind, huh?”

Me: “Yup! I make it every day!”

(An elderly customer behind me overhears us.)

Customer #2: “Well, that’s just nuts!”

(We all laughed and it completely made my day.)

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