You might be the waiter, but this type of customer excels at making you wait, by slowly browsing through the menu, being unable to make decisions, and lingering after coffee and paying the check… during dinner rush… when there’s a wait.
Not the gluten intolerant who have a genuine medical issue, but those ignorant customers who jump on to any fad diet they can name, not truly understanding what gluten is or why it might be bad for them. Don’t question them because they “read about it in a magazine once” which makes them instant experts, and expect to have their meal replaced twice because they can “see the gluten.” Equally annoying are the lactose, vegan, and paleo ignoramuses.
And by angels, we mean midget-spawn of Lucifer, sent up from the sulfurous crypts of Hades to scream, spill drinks, and run in the paths of waiters carrying trays of hot food. Yes, they may be your ‘little babies,’ but either keep them in line, or leave. This is not a creche!
It might be because of a special occasion, or trying to compensate for a bad date, but whatever the reason, there will always be that one person who thinks that the wine bottle counts as the glass in ‘just one glass of wine’ and before you know it they’re even louder than the aforementioned ‘little angels’ and just as destructive. And when it comes time to settle the bill they are usually so incoherent they think Bill is your name and want to give you a bit stinky hug. No thanks.
This person doesn’t just want the waldorf salad. She wants it “without the waldorfs” and “can you replace the leaves with bread, and put some cheese and tomato on it, and throw in some onions, and maybe some pepperoni, and even though it has now become a pizza let’s still call it a salad?” Yes, the customizer never orders directly off the menu, and will have you scribbling her amendments until your notepad resembles a novella. Don’t be surprised if even a glass of water needs “one and a half slices of lemon, not one, and served at exactly 3.4 degrees celsius.”
Don’t you know who they are? They are very important people with many places to be and earn far more than you ever will, so of course must be taken care of first. Don’t worry about the ten people waiting in line ahead of them; they should know who they are too.
You’ve seen them before, and probably been unfortunate enough to be part of one, where a large group all dines out together, but all it takes is one to say “well I only ordered a cheap starter and didn’t drink a cocktail, so I’m paying separately.” This has one of two outcomes, both making you want to throttle that person. Either you do separate checks, which usually devolves into a cacophony of “I didn’t order this” and “I thought the beer was free!”, or the poor waiter has to remember what everyone ate (because obviously the diner won’t – that would be too easy) and take payments individually. And don’t even get us started when one or two conveniently ‘forget’ about the service charge, leaving the rest of the group to pony up the difference.
These people hate the restaurant, its location, the food, the table, the menu font, the music choice, the lighting, and most of all they seem to hate you. And yet they keep on coming back. Maybe you should start hating them too.
They put the ‘Con’ into ‘Connoisseur,’ thinking that because they can tell the difference between red, white and rose that they are instant wine experts and are salivating at the opportunity to show you up for your imability to distinguish between Malbec and Pinotage. In reality, when opening the wine menu they go straight for the prices first, and pretend to know something about the 2nd-cheapest item on the menu (because going for the cheapest option would be too obvious).
Similar to The Haters, but so much worse. The Haters are miserable because they aren’t capable of enjoying the restaurant experience; the Complainers are miserable because they choose not to. They are not content until they’ve berated you that the ice is too cold and that the spicy soup is too soupy and too spicy. Nothing annoys them more than getting perfect service with their food defying all expectations, because then all they can complain about is the lack of something to complain about. These people are just miserable and were born that way, so don’t bother trying to make them happy, as doing so will just have the opposite effect.