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Category: Criminal & Illegal

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This Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

| NC, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I am the district manager for a company that uses guerrilla marketing tactics. I am out with one of my subordinates doing handouts house to house in a rural area. We happen upon an abandoned house and are shocked to see a puppy and an older dog confined with no access to water or food in 90 degree weather. We call the animal control, which is handled by the sheriff’s department. He is filing his report after having watered the dogs and trying to figure out what to do when suddenly a lady comes stomping through an open field from a house two streets over.)

Lady: “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DOGS?!”

Officer: *pissed* “Oh, these are YOUR dogs? Well, then, I guess we were just looking for you.”

Lady: “What can I help you with?”

Officer: “Can you please tell me why your dogs are located at an abandoned residence? They didn’t have any water, and it’s hot out here!”

Lady: “Well, my son brought this puppy home yesterday and all he does is howl. We hadn’t figured out what to do with them yet… Why are y’all in my backyard?”

Officer: “This is not your backyard. This an abandoned residence! You live on a whole different street! Your animals should be kept on your property where you can care for them! You understand I could bring charges against you for your dogs not having any water, right?”

Lady: “I gave them water this morning! How was I supposed to know they were out?” *to me* “If you hadn’t been trespassing this wouldn’t be an issue!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me! You would know they were out of water if they were kept close to your residence!”

Lady: “I’m not allowed to have pets! They shouldn’t have been in my backyard. I want them charged with trespassing!” *to me* “I’ll see you end up in jail for this!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me. You have to deal with me now because I’m coming back in 24 hours. Here is a list of infractions I need corrected so that YOU don’t end up in jail for animal cruelty!”

(The woman continues to rant about how we were trespassing and since we are supposed to be working we head on our way. I return to the office to find that she has been calling waiting for a supervisor to return. I do not bother to return her call; however, I happened to answer when she calls back in.)

Lady: “I’m trying to reach a manager!”

Me: “That would be me. What can I assist you with?”

Lady: “Oh, good! I’ve been trying to reach you all morning! I just needed to inform you about a problem I had with a few of your employees this morning… They were in my backyard messing with my dogs! For safety reasons I thought this should be brought to your attention. They could get hurt messing around on someone’s private property!”

Me: “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me that when I was there?!”

Lady: “That was you?! I asked to speak to a manager! Let me speak to YOUR supervisor!”

Me: “Well, I am the manager of this unit. Would you like to speak to the district manager?”

(She says yes and I put her on hold for about 10 minutes, smoke a cigarette, and pick back up.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. This is [My Name].”

Lady: “S***! I want to speak to the district manager!”

Me: “Oh! Well, since I manage every store within a 50 mile radius I guess that would be me. My supervisor is actually the owner of the franchise, but he is in Los Angeles for a PETA assembly, so I highly doubt he is going to be interested in your complaint. Now please do not call this number again or I will add harassment to the list of pending charges.”

Lady: *click*

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Don’t Have A Cow, Man

| VIC, Australia | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I work on a cattle farm in a small town. I am checking fences on the quad bike when a small car drives up the dirt road next to the paddock I’m in. A couple gets out of a small car and walks up to me. This is just a farm; we don’t not handle customers, just send cattle to the marketplace. I have no retail experience and have had a very bad day and it’s almost quitting time.)

Boyfriend: “Hello there. We’re from [City] and we saw those small cows in the fields back there, and we where wondering if we could buy one?”

Me: “Sorry, mate, the calves aren’t for sale.”

Boyfriend: “But my girlfriend really wants one.”

Me: “Sorry, mate, we don’t sell ’em to people and besides, how would you get it back to your house?”

Boyfriend: “We put it in the boot.” *the trunk*

Me: “Wait, what? You put what in the boot?!”

Boyfriend: “The small cow…”

Me: “What the h***, man! You can’t do that!”

(I climb through the fence and make the couple open the boot. Inside is a week-old calf!)

Me: “Jesus, mate, how the f*** did you get it in there?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about! It wasn’t easy at all; my girlfriend got kicked!

Girlfriend: *shows me her arm, bruise already starting to show* “It really hurts; I think we should get the cow for free.”

Me: “YOU’RE NOT GETTING THE CALF!”

Boyfriend: “That’s not fair! It was so hard to get; we didn’t even have time to close the gate again.”

Me: “You didn’t close the gate…”

Girlfriend: “No. Why?”

Me: *looks back down the road to see half the mob of cattle wandering towards us*

Me: “F***!”

(I grab the calf, which until this point hasn’t felt the need to move much for whatever reason, and place it on the ground. It immediately takes off towards the other cattle, bellowing for its mother.)

Boyfriend: “What the f*** did you that for, you f****** a**-hole! I should kick your a**! We are gonna find your boss and get you fired!”

Me: “Whatever. Just get lost!

(I race to the quad bike, start rounding up cattle, taking them back to the paddock before they get to the main roads. It takes about half an hour. When I get back to the shed the car is out the front and my boss is talking to the couple.)

Boss: “These two just told me the funniest story about you.” *he’s smiling, thinking this has to be a joke*

Me: *still fuming over what happened, begin yelling at the couple*

Boss: “Wait, this isn’t a joke?”

Boyfriend: “No, this isn’t a joke! Your employee is terrible!”

Boss: *takes a moment to process the whole thing, begins to get his angry face on, and I retreat to safe distance* “YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU TWO TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF MY CALVES?! GET THE H*** OFF THIS PROPERTY BEFORE I FIND A DEEP MINE-SHAFT I CAN THROW YOU IN!”

Couple: *shared look of terror on faces, they run to the car and speed off*

Boss: *after calming down* “Beer?”

Me: “God, yes.”

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Thief Should Have Wised Up And Smelled The Coffee

| Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Popular

(I customer walks in, and we both exchange our hellos. A few minutes later I see the guy quickly look at me from my peripheral vision. Thinking it is kind of odd, I slowly tip-toe towards him and see him walk the opposite way around my counter, holding something below the counter’s height so I can’t see it. I start to walk backwards as he is quickly making his way to the doors, and then the alarm goes on. This guy is holding a big a** Tassimo coffee maker. Here’s how you know he isn’t a good thief, because he stops to have a conversation with me.)

Thief: “Hey, so where’s the uh… the um… the coffee or whatever that goes with this.”

Me: “Put the Tassimo on my counter and I’ll show you.”

(He reluctantly puts it down, and I bring him to the coffee that is right above the Tassimo maker he is trying to take.)

Thief: “Oh, right, that’s cool.”

(He grabs a handful of random ones and we walk over to my counter. He puts the coffee on the Tassimo machine box. He is patting his coat pockets pretending to feel around for his wallet.)

Thief: “Hmm, well, I forgot my wallet. I’ll be right back.”

Me: *I smile* “No you won’t,”

Thief: *looks at me, saddened* “You’re right.”

(He did end up coming back a few weeks later trying to steal a lamp but luckily I was working and he ended up with nothing.)