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Category: Criminal & Illegal

Giving You A (Prison) Break

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

Me: “I-I-I, um…”

Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Me: “Uh, you, um…”

Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

(The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

Fits The Bill Of A Criminal

| England, UK | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Holidays, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

(A couple of years back I worked as a Christmas temp at a major supermarket during a year off from university course. It is in the middle of a very busy shift.)

Customer: *walks up to checkout with two very expensive electrical items*

Me: “Hello, sir.” *scans items* “That will be £380 please.”

Customer: *hands me a wad of £20 notes*

Me: “Thank you very much.”

(I start to count money out in front of him while also checking each note for authenticity.)

Customer: *suddenly aggressive* “What are you doing?”

Me: “I have to check that this is the correct amount of money and it is our policy to ensure that all notes are genuine. I do the same for all notes I get handed.”

Customer: *grabs notes and starts to count them out in front of me quickly*

Me: “Sir, I need to count the money myself so I can check each note.”

Customer: “I am not a criminal!”

Me: *getting suspicious* “I am not saying you are, sir. I am only doing my job as thoroughly as I can. Sometimes fake notes can be picked up by accident and the person who has them is not aware they are fake. But if I were to allow one into the till it could be passed to another customer and at that point the shop would have committed a criminal offence and could be held liable. I need to check the notes.”

(I pick up the notes and start to check them again.)

Customer: “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL!”

(The manager comes over at the noise.)

Me: “Please calm down, sir!”

Manager: “[My Name], what is going on?!”

Me: “This gentleman is not allowing me to check and count his money.”

Manager: “Please calm down, sir, or we will have to call security.”

Customer: *screaming at the top of his lungs* “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL! WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS?! I WILL F****** SLIT YOUR THROAT, YOU F****** B****!”

(Security came running over and the customer was restrained. When we checked his money all but £100 of it was fake. The police were called.)