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Category: Criminal & Illegal

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Pulling Off A Heist With Very Little Brain

| Matthews, NC, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Popular

(We have a customer who comes in almost every day and steals our bottles of honey. He will order a hot tea from our kiosks and use a whole bottle of honey. He will then ask an associate to get a new bottle. After we get the bottle for him, as he leaves later on, he will stick the honey in his newspaper to hide it and walk out. My nickname for him is Pooh Bear.)

Me: “[General Manager], Pooh Bear is back. Can I please say something?!”

General Manager: “No, I’ll handle this. I’ve had enough.”

(Our GM walks over to him as he’s leaving and gets his attention.)

General Manager: “Hey, man, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to check out the sports highlights from last night!” *opens newspaper* “Hey, man, isn’t that our bottle of honey?”

Pooh Bear: “Oh… uh… Yeah, is that okay?”

General Manager: “No, it’s not okay, dude! Stop stealing our honey. That’s theft. We could call the cops and have you arrested. We have cameras constantly monitoring our store and we have you on numerous occasions stealing from us.”

(He hasn’t been back in almost two weeks now. And that’s how we pulled off “Operation Pooh Bear!”)

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Inheriting An Impossible Request

| Helsinki, Finland | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Popular

Me: *phone rings* “[Law Firm], [My Name].”

Customer: “Do you handle inheritance cases?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Well we have this disagreement in my family that has been going on for almost twenty years.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “The problem is that a couple of relatives won’t sign any documents and we are all absolutely adamant that court proceedings are out of the question.”

Me: “Those are really the only options, I’m afraid. Either you can make an agreement or go to court.”

Customer: “No, that will not do. I want you to resolve it.”

Me: “I can write the contracts for everyone involved to sign, or I can take the matter to court. There is no third way.”

Customer: “No! Those options will not do! I want you to resolve it now. And I mean immediately!”

Me: “You mean at this very moment, over the phone, talking to you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that is impossible.”

Customer: “Why?!”

Me: “It just is. I would have to do magic to resolve your disagreement of twenty years instantly, talking to just one party over the phone.”

Customer: “You are just absolutely useless!” *click*

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An Alarming Lack Of Alarming

| USA | Criminal & Illegal, Popular, Technology

(I work at an alarm management company monitoring home alarms. Normally when an intrusion or motion sensor alarm triggers, we call the house first in case it is the owner. They generally give us their passcode and we cancel the alarm. In this scenario, a motion sensor alarm comes up and I call the home.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Security Company]. Am I speaking with [Owner]?”

Phone: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, Mr. [Owner], if you can just verify the passcode for your account, I’ll be glad to disable the alarm for you.”

Phone: “I don’t have an alarm.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Phone: “I don’t have an alarm system. Whatever you’re seeing is wrong. Cancel the alarm; it’s not at my house.”

(I obviously think that this is bizarre so I call the secondary number, the owner’s work phone.)

Me: “This is [Name] with [Security Company]. Am I speaking with [Owner]?”

Owner: “Yes, that’s me.”

Me: “We didn’t just speak on your home line, did we?”

Owner: “No? Is something wrong?”

Me: “I thought not. Can I get your passcode for [Security Company]?”

Owner: “[Code].”

Me: “Somebody answered your home phone and claimed you did not have an alarm system. I have already dispatched the police to your home.”