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Category: Criminal & Illegal

Making A Good Call

| NC, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal

(For whatever reason, my home has always had more prank and scam calls than other people, so over the years I’ve gotten very good at getting the calls to stop. This happens on the first day of my first job. My trainer is on the phone and sighs heavily before hanging it up.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Trainer: “Prank callers. They’ve been calling all day. Sometimes they ask to order pastries we don’t have and sometimes they just giggle and hang up.”

Me: “Next time they call let me talk to them.”

Trainer: “You haven’t been taught to take phone calls.”

Me: “I’m good at dealing with prank callers. Trust me.”

(About twenty minutes later the phone rings. My trainer picks it up, sighs, and hands it to me. There’s giggling in the background.)

Caller: “Hey, do you have any um… [Name of product we don’t have].”

Me: “I understand you have been calling all day. I hope you understand that using a business number for anything other than business is against federal law, punishable by a $500 fine, and also against state law, punishable by a $2,000 fine. Additionally, we have caller ID, and can easily trace your call. Do you understand me?”

(The giggling in the background has stopped.)

Caller: “Um… yeah…”

Me: “Good.” *hangs up*

Trainer: “Is all of that legal stuff true?”

Me: “I have no idea, but they probably don’t either.”

Trainer: “Yeah, I think I’m gonna like working with you.”

(The prank callers did not call back.)

If They Had An Ounce Of Sense

| Bangor, Wales, UK | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Technology

(In the run up to Christmas, one of the popular items has been a small radio controlled quad-copter, and I have been enjoying myself flying these up and down the mall to demonstrate. A young man comes in and enquires about these:)

Customer: “So could it carry any weight, say, an eighth of an ounce?”

Me: *trying not to laugh, as the specific weight mentioned is a dead give away* “Well, no, not really.”

Customer: “Okay, but would it be able to carry any weight over a wall and come back?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer: “So it wouldn’t, perhaps, be able to carry a sixteenth over a prison wall?”

Me: “Er, no…”

Customer: *leaving* “Okay, thanks anyway. If the police come in, don’t tell them I was asking, okay?”

Take Your Hat Off To Their Detective Skills

| UK | Criminal & Illegal, Holidays

(A customer has been telling me about all the break-ins recently over Christmas, and how a lot of houses have been robbed in the village.)

Customer: “Yeah, the police told us that a CCTV camera caught some young guy wearing a woolly hat.”

Me: *looks up at customer who is wearing woolly hat*

Customer: *quickly snatches hat off his head* “Oh, my, it’s not me. NOT ME!”

Weeding Out The Bad Customers

| Australia | Criminal & Illegal

(I work in the kitchen department in a well known retail chain when a toothless young man who looks and smells like he hasn’t bathed in a while approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you have anything electric that can grind… herbs?”

Me: “Sure, we have a basic herb chopper, but if you want to grind it fine you might need a coffee grinder.”

Customer: “I don’t want to lie to you…” *whispers* “It’s for weed.”

Me: “I figured.”

Customer: “”What do you use to grind your weed?”

(I don’t use the stuff.)

Me: “This coffee grinder here. It’s perfect for the job”

Customer: “Thanks. Please don’t tell the cops.”

An Overly-Expectant Mother

| MD, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids

(I work as a cashier in a popular clothing store. During the daytime we often have stay-at-home moms come in. In the area I work in, they are often very out of touch with reality. This one customer comes in alone with four small children in tow. I am the only cashier on the floor and I am about to do my regular check on the fitting room.)

Customer: “I need you to watch my kids while I go find a bathing suit.”

Me: “I cannot watch your children. You need to keep them with you.”

Customer: “Why not? You’re standing here anyway. Just watch them. I’ll be a minute.”

Me: “Ma’am, take your children with you. Leaving them alone is a liability that the store does not assume.”

Customer: “It’s just for a minute! Watch them for ONE minute!”

Me: “No. Keep your children with you or I will have to ask you to leave. You are not allowed to leave your children in the store unattended.”

Customer: “Oh, for crying out loud! Do any of you people understand what customer service is about? Where am I supposed to leave my children to shop?”

Me: “With a babysitter. There is also a drop-in daycare center two blocks away.”

Customer: *throws her hands up* “You’ve ruined my day. I guess moms aren’t allowed to shop!”

Me: “You can shop with your children. We allow children in the store if they’re with their parents.”

Customer: “Sometimes I need a break, too! Why is that so much to ask?!”

Me: “Well, that’s what the daycare centers are for. You could always try one of those.”

Customer: *storming away* “I guess I’m not allowed to shop now that I have kids!”

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