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Category: Criminal & Illegal

A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

| Factoria, WA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”

Turning The Wheels Of Justice

| Como, Italy | Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(I work in a tire center. Two shady figures show up at the door in an old, battered van:)

Guy #1: “Are you interested in second hand wheels?”

Me: “In some cases, yes. What do you have to offer?”

Guy #1: “I have in my van a set of 18-inches alloy wheels for a [luxury German car] with new winter tires.” *he then opens the rear doors and show me the wheels*

Me: “Oh, they’re quite nice! In fact, I have a customer who’s looking for this kind of wheels for his car. Let me call him. I guess he’ll be more than happy to make a deal with you!”

Guy #2: “Good. Can we wait inside?”

Me: “Of course, and please help yourself with some complimentary coffee while I make a couple of calls.”

(15 minutes later, the customer showed up… together with two cops who handcuffed the guys and put them in the back of their cruiser. Apparently, it is not only a bad idea try to sell stolen wheels, but even a worse one try to sell me the very same wheels and tires I installed the day before on the [luxury German car] of a loyal customer!)

Jesus Doesn’t Get Tickets

| MD, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Transportation

(My friend is playing Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. After the performance, he changes into his own clothes, but doesn’t take off his stage makeup, including the fake blood from the crucifixion scene. While he is driving home, he is pulled over by the police.)

Police Officer: “License and registration, please.”

(As my friend hands the officer his license, the officer gets a good look at him.)

Police Officer: “Sir, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

Friend: *confused because he forgot he was wearing the makeup* “Huh? Oh! I’m okay. This is makeup. I’m coming home from a performance.”

Police Officer: *so relieved that he apparently forgot why he pulled my friend over* “Oh, good. Well, drive safely and have a good night!”