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Category: Criminal & Illegal

The Art Of Parenting

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids

(I work as a security guard for an art gallery that features paintings by local artists. Today, we are auctioning off some of the older paintings to make way for some newer ones. The paintings that will be auctioned are displayed in one particular room, and I am the guard for this room. When this happens, there are a few customers already here. A well-dressed lady with her young son in tow enter. She leaves her child unattended while looking at the paintings.)

Me: “Ma’am, may I request that you keep an eye on your son? We wouldn’t want him to get in any trouble, would we?

Lady: “Yes, yes, I know.” *returns to paintings, disregarding child*

(I think nothing of it, as the child is only a few meters away from the mother. But, a few minutes later, as I am distracted with another customer asking about the auction, another customer starts shouting.)

Me: “Sir, can you…”

Male Customer: “Mister! That child is drawing on one of the paintings!”

(I immediately turn around in horror, to see the little boy scribbling on one of our prized pieces with a white-out pen.)

Me: “Ma’am! Please get your son under control! He is defacing the painting!”

Lady: “Whatever. Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m trying to appreciate the art?”

(I walk over to the young boy, who can’t be older than five, and gently take his hand. Speaking soothing words, I lead him over to his mother.)

Me: “Ma’am, I would like you to keep your child under control.” *I let go of his hand and he clings onto his mother*

Lady: *gasp* “How DARE you touch my son! He didn’t do anything wrong! I’m going to call for security!”

Me: “Ma’am, I AM security. Your son was scribbling on this painting, and I stopped him.”

Lady: “Well, I never! I am never coming back here! The paintings are s***ty, the security is terrible, and I bet your artists are poor homeless f***s who splat paint on canvas for a penny an hour!”

Me: “…. Ma’am, the painting your son just defaced—”

Lady: *snorts* “Defaced?! These paintings are so bad, he probably made it better!”

Male Customer: “Miss! I have been quiet up until now, but you are being a right b**** to this guard!” *to me* “Show her the painting!”

(I lead her other to the painting. It happens to be a beautiful oil painting of the city, now with a white scribble across it.)

Me: “If you would just look at the plaque, this is a oil painting by [Respected Local Artist] that would have been auctioned at around $7500. Now, you will have to pay for it, since your son defaced it.”

Lady: *obviously recognising the name, turning deathly pale and sputtering in horror* “You should have told me to keep an eye on my child! This is NOT my fault! You hear me?! NOT MY FAULT!!”

(She gave us an answer soon enough. She grabbed her son’s arm and dashed away to the exit. Luckily, the guards outside caught her. She ended up paying $7500 for the painting, and was banned from the gallery. The kicker? She filed a complaint on our website for “not warning her of the danger of children in a gallery.”)

Tree Lives Matter

| MD, USA | Bizarre, Criminal & Illegal

Caller: “Um? I’m calling? Because, there’s like, a tree? In the road? And I can’t get by. And there’s like, no emergency vehicles there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we have an officer on the way to shoot the tree. Hold tight! Everything is going to be fine.”

Illegally Starting An Umbrella Corporation

| UT, USA | Criminal & Illegal

I work in the lobby of an office building. The maintenance company we use provides tenants with large umbrellas, which I keep by the doors so employees can take one as they leave. One day it was raining really hard, and a grungy-looking man, obviously NOT one of the employees in my building (I know them all personally) goes right for the umbrella stand and grabs three.)

Me: “Excuse me. I’m sorry, those are for tenants only.”

Man: “They said they’re free here.”

Me: “They are free, but only for tenants, and they’re supposed to bring them back.”

Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I just need it for a minute. I’ll bring it back.”

Me: “Why do you need to take three?”

Man: “Oh… uh… because you can’t see them from your desk but I have two little kids outside in the rain.”

Me: “…You can’t just share one? They’re really big.”

Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I’ll bring them right back.”

(I knew he was lying but my phone was ringing and I needed to get back to work, so I said “Please just take one” and answered the call. I kept an eye on him as I talked to the caller. Meeting my eyes the entire time, the man not only kept the three in his hand, he grabbed TWO MORE and dashed out the door with them before I could finish my call and tell him to stop. Later in the day, employees coming back from lunch told me that the guy was selling the umbrellas on the street corner, and no, he didn’t have any little kids with him. And that is why I keep the umbrella stand behind my desk now.)