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Category: Criminal & Illegal

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New Heights Of Unreasonableness

| Northern Ireland, UK | Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Popular

(It is a busy Saturday night in a 70-seater a-la-carte restaurant. My father is restaurant manager and I am wine waiter. Two quite drunk fellas wander into the restaurant and sit at a table which has been reserved. My father notices this and makes his way to the table.)

Customer: “Bring us a menu.”

Father: “Sorry, gents, but this table’s reserved. You’ll have to go onto the waiting list but I should point out there’s a 45 minute wait.”

Customer: “We’re not moving. Bring us a menu.”

Father: “I’m sorry, but I’ve explained that you will have to wait.”

(The other drunk customer gets agitated and pipes up.)

Other Customer: “Look, just bring us menus or I’ll kick your head in.”

Father: *who is 6 foot 2 inches* “Sir, if you can lift your leg that high, you deserve to kick my head in. Now piss off out of my restaurant.”

(They did…)

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Rage Against The Teenage Machine

| Ireland | Bizarre, Criminal & Illegal, Money, Popular

(I’m the customer in this story. I’m at a self-checkout and am bagging up my items and about to scoop up my change from the machine slot. I’m the only teenager here and there are free machines around me.)

Next Customer: *drops items onto my machine*

Me: “Sorry, I’m just finishing up; I’ll be gone in a minute.”

Next Customer: “That’s not good enough! You shouldn’t be taking so long.”

Employee: “Excuse me, [Next Customer], there’s a free machine just over…”

Next Customer: “But I want this machine! I’m in a hurry!”

Employee: “Well, the machine next to that one is free?”

Next Customer: *to employee* “I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!”

Me: *reaching to collect notes from below the machine*

Next Customer: *grabs my change*

Me: “Sorry, that’s my change; can I have it back please?”

Next Customer: “You’re at MY machine, so it’s mine now! You’re holding me up. Move!”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m not leaving without my change. Please hand it back.”

Employee: “I’ve called for the manager.” *to next customer* “Please hand the girl her change.”

Next Customer: “But she’s at MY machine, and what the f*** do teenagers know about money? I need it more than she does!”

Manager: *to us* “Hello, ladies, is everything all right over here?”

(The employee explains the situation.)

Manager: *to next customer* “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to give this girl her change back or you’ll have to leave the shop.”

Next Customer: “But, she’s at MY machine!”

Manager: “That may be so, but stealing someone else’s change is not acceptable; I’m going to have to ask you to hand it back or I’ll be forced to call security.”

Next Customer: *throws notes on the floor and walks out of the shop*

Me: “Thanks for the help! That lady was something else!”

Manager: “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” *helps me pick my notes up*

(The manager offered me a voucher for the shop, but I declined because it wasn’t their fault.)

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Microsoft Word To The Wise

| UK | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work for an IT company that provides support for a large restaurant chain and their franchises. I receive a call from one franchise that recently had their office PC replaced. These franchises have to provide their own software and licences for installation that we help with as part of the service.)

Me: “Welcome to the [Company] support desk. You are speaking to [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “This is [Customer] from [Franchise]. I just went to [Computer Retailer] and bought Microsoft Office but it won’t install.”

Me: “No worries. I will remote in and see what is happening with the install.”

(I remote in and find the software installed fine but the license code will not activate the software.)

Me: “Can you confirm the license key is the same as it is on the software package?”

Customer: “Yes. I bought it from [Computer Retailer] but it’s not working. I tried each of the license codes but it’s still not working.”

Me: “Wait, you said there are several license codes? Can you send me a scanned image of the package so I can find what might be the problem?”

(I provided the user with an e-mail address to send the scanned image to and after half an hour the pictures came in. The customer had bought a CD sleeve with a blank disc with “Office” written on it and a piece of paper showing the front and back cover. The paper showed he bought “Micrasift Oofice 2012 Profecinal eddition”, which included a list of authentic-looking license keys.)

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One Big (Alco)Hole In Their Plan

| ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal

(I live near the Canada-US border, Canada side. It’s about nine o’clock at night and I’m working the front end of grocery store. A small group of people who look to be in their late teens or early twenties walk up to me.)

Customer #1: “Can you tell us where to find the alcohol in here?”

Me: *taken aback* “We don’t sell any.”

Customer #1: “Really?”

(At this moment it dawns on me that they’re probably from over the border, coming to buy alcohol here because we have a lower drinking age.)

Me: “Yeah. We… don’t sell alcohol in grocery stores in Canada. In general.”

Customer #2: “You’re kidding, right?”

Me: “Err… we don’t have a liquor license. It’s against the law for us to sell any.”

Customer #1: “Don’t you have something?”

Me: *shrugs sheepishly* “We have mouthwash.”

(I ended up directing them towards places that are allowed to sell liquor, though I have no idea if they were even open at such a time of night. They just couldn’t get over the fact that the grocery store didn’t sell any!)

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ISPy

| Petach Tikva, Israel | Crazy Requests, Criminal & Illegal, Technology

(I’m working the night shift on a Friday, around 3 am.)

Me: “[ISP]. This is [My Name] at your service.”

Customer: “My Internet isn’t working, and I know why! It’s because of [unintelligible].”

(I thought I’d heard something about spies, but I wasn’t sure, so I just kept going.)

Me: “I see. Let’s figure out what the problem is, so we can find a solution.”

Customer: “But I know what the problem is! I’m being spied on! It’s the spies! They’re ruining my Internet.”

Me: *sticking to the protocol that exists exactly for that purpose* “Well, if you’re sure someone is spying on you, you have to contact the police.”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t need to call the police. I’m not that paranoid. Anyway, they’re spying on me, too, so they probably know all about it.”

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